EUROPE - Today we each examined our respective news feeds and tried, really really tried, to understand what in the hell the FIFA soccer scandal was all about. We just don't get soccer.
About all we get here is that a guy named "Sepp Blatter" -- which appears to be his actual, real name and not one made up by Douglas Adams despite our collective incredulity -- is in all kinds of pictures holding his head like this, but we can't for the life of us figure out exactly why, other than it looks like it's some sort of sports corruption thing.
Seriously? Corruption in sports? How on earth is that even news, let alone somehow causing enough angst to have this guy permanently face-palming? Grow up, Europe.
In case you live elsewhere, let me explain: in the states, everyone naturally assumes that sports are corrupt. It doesn't matter what sport. Lawn darts, badminton, swimming (yes even Marco-Polo!!), football (real football people), baseball, hell even Forrest Gump's ping ball tourney was rigged, let's face facts. Anything that anyone can conceivably bet on will eventually be corrupt, don't act like you didn't know that, Europe. Monte Carlo has been around a helluva lot longer than Las Vegas, and you have way more complicated games like Baccarat which I only know how to play thanks to a youth misspent watching James Bond movies. You educated the world in corruption. Corruption and Martinis. And horribly sexist and racist one-liners.
So don't act so bloody innocent.
SOFTTOUCH, N.H.- Today former New York Governor George Pataki announced that he too would run for president in 2016, citing his qualifications as his ability to dress himself (with his wife's help), his fondness for staring out hotel windows as well as looking at water, and his strong like of dogs and dog-related things.
"We in America need an American president who believes in America and the American way," Pataki said in his campaign announcement video. "America," he continued, "I really just like saying that. America for Americans and the American way, that pretty much sums me up as an American. And I too like dogs."
Pataki went on to demonstrate his ability to longingly stare out of skyscrapers, with a wistful, faraway and visionary look, as well as stand in the middle of a stream and stare at the water, as if searching for some ideal of natural perfection that ends up electing him president.
ARKANSAS - Former Arkansas governor and Fox News talk show host Mike Huckabee declared that he would be running for president in 2016, that he still had his first gun "in mint condition," that he could name every school, river, street and most people in or near Hope, Arkansas, and that the 1950s were totally awesome.
"The 1950s were awesome! And God and guns and The Bible!" Huckabee screamed and the crowd cheered.