POLAND - At the annual gathering of cognitive scientists in Warsaw this Friday, acclaimed neurologist and author Karl Schanzer announced that his landmark comparitive study showed that "no matter the background of the speaker or content of the speech.. Germans who speak publically all still sound a little like Hitler."
"We're not sure exactly why this is," Schanzer said during his keynote speech. "However, when controlled for audience bias and preconceptions, by and large German public speakers are all rated as 'slightly' or 'moderately' like Hitler over the 22,000 cases we've studied. If the speakers gets excited over anything, anthing at all, that increases to 'seriously like' or 'identical' to Hitler."
Although the so-called "Hitler-effect" has been noted by social scientists since the 1950s, this is the first empirical neurological study to validate the effect.
LOS ANGELES - The women's shelter that Bill Cosby endorsed in early 2014, amid a flurry of positive social media exposure and press coverage, officially closed its doors today.
"There is no way we could survive any longer," said Janice Jackson, Director of the House of Hope. "We're completely out of funding, four of our workers have stepped forward with their own abuse allegations, and, quite frankly, this place has become the most depressing place I've worked in my life."
"The name alone gives me the creeps," added Mary Imani, the only one of the shelter's counselors not reportedly assaulted by Mr. Cosby.
"He stopped by in November for a photo-op and roofied my ice tea," admitted Jackson.
Los Angeles police are currently seeking any information that leads to the arrest of Mr. Cosby. He is considered elderly, rich and incredibly dangerous to any "female mammal."
THE NEIGHBORHOOD - Dr. Walter Palmer's Facebook gallery today confirmed what many had already feared: the world's most hated dentist has harvested yet another iconic feline, Daniel Tiger.
Missing from his neighborhood for nearly a week, friends had been fearing the worst, especially in light of Daniel's outspoken condemnation of the so-called "Dentist of Death"'s killing of Cecil the Lion in Zimbabwe in early July. Daniel's outrage had grown over time, moving from social media condemnation to organized physical protest, culminating in the "Million Tiger March" last week in Washington D.C. Attended by prominent felines from across the globe, keynote speaker Mufasa, surrounded by fellow actors Simba and Scar, lent his legendary support to Daniel. During his speech Mufasa publicly called for the "Dentist of Death's immediate extradition to Zimbabwe" and subsequent "brutal prosecution for... crimes against our species."
Daniel's followers had grown increasingly radicalized themselves, sometimes taking direct action against Dr. Palmer, prompting the dentist to remain in hiding but post his fears to Facebook: "I fear for my life... at the paws of Daniel's murderous gang of hooligans!"
Although officially investigating any and all threats to Dr. Palmer, Minnesotan police spokesman Marvin Hamil has publicly stated they "would not be upset" by "some acts against this dopey doc... provided they were not extreme... especially after what that son of a bitch did to that Milwaukee lion!"
The two-year old Daniel Tiger would've celebrated his third birthday September 3rd. He is survived by unknown parents and possibly some siblings.
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