IRREVERENT News

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Written by Scott Meadow

PUNXSUTAWNEY – Today world famous marmot Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his chilly winter slumber as he was yanked out of his hole by handler John Griffiths.  Phil saw his shadow, and told Griffiths that there “will be another six weeks of winter.. and a 50/50 shot at a war with Mexico or possibly Australia.”  The rodent then added, “Hopefully Australia, ‘cause it’s warm and too long since we’ve been at war with a nation that had nude beaches.”

Phil was apparently commenting on President Trump’s recent heated exchanges with leaders of both nations.

Before he could be asked for a tweet, President Trump tweeted: “Why are you listening to an overgrown squirrel on foreign policy?  Don’t worry about it!”  The President then continued a tweet-rade on "Vanity Fair" magazine and "terrible" limousine drivers who "manage to hit every pothole in Manhattan."

Army General Tony Sitwell, IRREVERENT’s most affordable military advisor, was equally nonchalant about the prospect of a U.S.-Australia war.  “The entire Australian army is about 30,000 troops, and we have about 500,000 give or take on active duty.  We could conquer the whole country in a couple days, even allowing for the nude sunbathing and whatnot.”  The General thought about this a minute and then concluded, “But it’s a stupid idea.”

Wall Street woke up from a severe hangover this morning and decided that both possibilities were equally meaningless before continuing to beat the hell out of tech stocks.  Stopping only to check on its Amazon shipment of a new iPad, having broken his previous one after a particularly grueling afternoon trading session last week, the Street continued profit-taking into lunch and then knocked off early.

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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON - President Trump today was treated by doctors at the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center for "severe cramping and signing blisters.. in [his red] right hand."

"His hand was inflamed and the President complained that it was both 'achy' and 'tingly,'" said Chief Surgeon Admiral Bill Billington.  "We ordered a number of tests, but nothing serious was found beyond inflammation and some blisters.  We attributed the trauma simply to 'signing strain,' particularly given how active his signing hand has been the past few weeks."

Before the hastily prepared press conference could continue, however, the President had signed an executive order in the examination room forbidding Billington from revealing any other details of the President's medical condition.  Adm. Billington was then detained by the secret service for questioning.

Appearing apparently from nowhere, Kellyanne Conway was quick to characterize the President's condition, without being asked, as "excellent" and a "textbook model.. of human health."  Pulled by the ear by Conway, White House spokesman Sean Spicer appeared from the crowd and added, "He is the very model of a modern major President." At this point the press conference degraded into song.

Busy speed-approving President Trump's nominees for his cabinet, Senate Republicans offered no comment on the President's condition, although at least one prominent Democrat did note that "clearly the President is deathly ill with some horrible, communicable disease."

Wall Street sluffed off the President's medical visit entirely, instead focusing on the cute new intern on the trading floor named "Kim" or "Kendra" or something.  Wearing a navy blue business suit, the intern looked "23 or 24," and it didn't take long before traders had an impressive bet going on who would ask her to lunch first, that guy from Morgan with the mole on his cheek or Pete from Goldman with the new Ferrari.

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Written by Scott Meadow

CHICAGO - To nobody's surprise, today the scientists behind the symbolic 'doomsday clock' - a representation of how close humanity is to annihilation - moved up 30 seconds to a mere two and a half minutes until "midnight" (extinction).

"We are troubled by many factors," said Dr. Laura Swift, one of the scientists behind the decision.  "Both Russia and the United States control 90% of the nuclear weapons in the world and are engaged in several contested areas on the globe, including Syria.  In addition, climate change continues to threaten humanity, and little has been done to slow or even stop what are soon to become irreversible global forces that could wipe out billions of human beings in the process.  Third, well you guys elected a reality T.V. host who doesn't believe in science and loves nukes to be president." Pausing, and shaking her head, Dr. Swift continued, adding, "Boneheads."

Cracking a whip at a defiant press corps while holding a wooden chair to avoid any sudden attacks, White House spokesman Sean Spicer said, "Scientists? Who cares."

The clock, which was established in 1947 by University of Chicago scientists, some of whom had participated in the Manhattan Project, was adjusted to 3 minutes before midnight in 2015, but began at 7 minutes (11:53) back in 1947.

Wall Street ignored the scientist's move, instead preferring to bask in the very real prospect of huuuuge tax breaks in the 2017 fiscal year.  Taking a light trading day, the Street knocked off for the day just after a four martini lunch at that new place in The Beekman Hotel, Colicchio's joint Fowler & Wells.