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PUNXSUTAWNEY – Today world famous marmot Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his chilly winter slumber as he was yanked out of his hole by handler John Griffiths.  Phil saw his shadow, and told Griffiths that there “will be another six weeks of winter.. and a 50/50 shot at a war with Mexico or possibly Australia.”  The rodent then added, “Hopefully Australia, ‘cause it’s warm and too long since we’ve been at war with a nation that had nude beaches.”

Today Punxsutawney Phil longed for war with a "warm" nation that had "nude beaches."Phil was apparently commenting on President Trump’s recent heated exchanges with leaders of both nations.

Before he could be asked for a tweet, President Trump tweeted: “Why are you listening to an overgrown squirrel on foreign policy?  Don’t worry about it!”  The President then continued a tweet-rade on "Vanity Fair" magazine and "terrible" limousine drivers who "manage to hit every pothole in Manhattan."

Army General Tony Sitwell, IRREVERENT’s most affordable military advisor, was equally nonchalant about the prospect of a U.S.-Australia war.  “The entire Australian army is about 30,000 troops, and we have about 500,000 give or take on active duty.  We could conquer the whole country in a couple days, even allowing for the nude sunbathing and whatnot.”  The General thought about this a minute and then concluded, “But it’s a stupid idea.”

Wall Street woke up from a severe hangover this morning and decided that both possibilities were equally meaningless before continuing to beat the hell out of tech stocks.  Stopping only to check on its Amazon shipment of a new iPad, having broken his previous one after a particularly grueling afternoon trading session last week, the Street continued profit-taking into lunch and then knocked off early.