CHICAGO - To nobody's surprise, today the scientists behind the symbolic 'doomsday clock' - a representation of how close humanity is to annihilation - moved up 30 seconds to a mere two and a half minutes until "midnight" (extinction).
"We are troubled by many factors," said Dr. Laura Swift, one of the scientists behind the decision. "Both Russia and the United States control 90% of the nuclear weapons in the world and are engaged in several contested areas on the globe, including Syria. In addition, climate change continues to threaten humanity, and little has been done to slow or even stop what are soon to become irreversible global forces that could wipe out billions of human beings in the process. Third, well you guys elected a reality T.V. host who doesn't believe in science and loves nukes to be president." Pausing, and shaking her head, Dr. Swift continued, adding, "Boneheads."
Cracking a whip at a defiant press corps while holding a wooden chair to avoid any sudden attacks, White House spokesman Sean Spicer said, "Scientists? Who cares."
The clock, which was established in 1947 by University of Chicago scientists, some of whom had participated in the Manhattan Project, was adjusted to 3 minutes before midnight in 2015, but began at 7 minutes (11:53) back in 1947.
Wall Street ignored the scientist's move, instead preferring to bask in the very real prospect of huuuuge tax breaks in the 2017 fiscal year. Taking a light trading day, the Street knocked off for the day just after a four martini lunch at that new place in The Beekman Hotel, Colicchio's joint Fowler & Wells.