IRREVERENT News

HOUSTON - Today scientists were crushed to learn that the world's population didn't care at all about water on the moon.

First discovered by the Indian Chandrayaan-1 probe, scientists, enthusiasts and assorted geeks across the globe were quick to speculate on the implications of finding potentially vast amounts of water on the moon's surface. Everyone else, on the other hand, just couldn't care less.

"I get that it's probably important and stuff," said one person that I stopped on the street and asked what he thought. "But so what? The economy's in the tank, my job totally sucks, I've got credit card bills up the ass, and potholes the size of Toyotas are like everywhere I drive. I can't even afford to get married or have a kid anymore. So why do I give a **** that some dust-ball a million miles away is damp?"

Scientists at NASA, although severely deflated, were quick to combat complete public apathy with cool-headed logic. "This means, among important new insights into how the moon's environment evolved, is that there is a potential new resource available on this body that was previous thought to be all but dead. And that implies that we could, perhaps more easily establish a permanent base on the moon's surface."

However, no amount of rational explanation would perk the world's interest. "We just don't care," said a woman I stopped, who agreed to speak on behalf of the global population. "It's completely irrelevant to my life."

Wall Street also gave no reaction whatsoever to the news, staring at me blankly for a few seconds before asking to borrow my lighter and returning to the trading pits.