IRREVERENT News

WASHINGTON - NASA today confirmed that an asteroid IS ABOUT TO SMASH INTO THE EARTH ENDING ALL LIFE ON THE PLANET!

"We were wrong!" confessed NASA astronomer Lennart Koeman, Ph. D. "We thought asteroid 2005 YU55 was going to miss the earth, and just do a flyby, but I FORGOT TO CARRY THE 10 AND MY CALCULATIONS WERE ALL WRONG!!"

Koeman was doing the calculations by hand, coworker Hieremias Kuang told us, because Koeman's regular solar calculator was "a piece of crap."

Asteroid 2005 YU55 is approximately 1,300 feet across, travelling at nearly 30,000 mph and is expected to collide with the earth sometime "after dinner tonight" in the Pacific Ocean off the coast of North America. The resulting 4,000-megaton explosion is expected to vaporize the state of Hawaii instantly, and the subsequent magnitude 7+ earthquakes with 70+ foot tsunamis are expected to kill 99% of human beings in a matter of hours.

The remaining 1% of humanity are likely to survive for a while, wandering around the post-apocalyptic landscape, until the darkened sun kills off the remaining plant life. At this point, a combination of "zombies" and "wild, ravenous animals" searching for brains and food respectively, will pick off the few who remain, most likely Bill Gates and Warren Buffet.

"We're all going to die!!" confessed President Obama in a surprise lunchtime press event. "It's the nightmare scenario mankind has been dreading for all time: the extinction of all life on this planet. The time is now."

Wall Street took the news surprisingly well, with a widespread rally following the President's remarks that pushed stocks higher across the board. Soon, however, a trader checked his Facebook feed and began a selling frenzy that lasted nearly an hour, until bottom feeders swooped in to prop up the carcass, leaving the Dow down a scant 50 points.