Conspiracy Corner

I'm a big fan of conspiracy theories. I collect them like some people collect hats or baseball cards or heroin. In an increasingly complex, technological, and integrated (in a holistic sense) world we live in, it's easy to get confused, rattled, and damn right scared shitless. Paranoia, after all, is only pathological if there really is nobody out to get you. Unless you live in a Saddam Hole someplace or never, EVER piss anyone off, chances are someone's out gunning for you somewhere, somehow, RIGHT NOW. I personally get so many death threats that I've started an Access database. Always be organized, that's my motto.

So, I give conspiracy theorists the benefit of a doubt. They are, it seems to me, at least TRYING to make sense out of a bunch of shit that doesn't make much sense to anyone. Then I staggered across this shiny little bit of warm and creamy goodness about what our good Vodka-drinking buddies in Tunguska "discovered." Apparently, alien creatures saved the entire human raced in 1908 by blasting apart the meteor that nobody else saw was about to slam into us. That was mighty nice of them.

The "scientists" know this because after 100 years of looking, they finally "found" a piece of the alien material used to blast the meteor:

The object appeared to be a large metallic block, according to the reports. The researchers chipped off a piece of the object and will now test its composition. ...

"I am fully confident and I can make an official statement that we were saved by some forces of a superior civilization," Yuri Lavbin said. "They exploded this enormous meteorite that headed towards us with enormous speed," he said. "Now this great object that caused the meteorite to explode is found at last. We will continue our research," he added.

Someone better call the guys at the materials science lab right away, because any substance capable of blowing apart a billion ton meteor and still be easily busted apart by a fuckin' rock hammer has got to be some cool shit to see.

Say how long will it take before Chernobyl finally stops spiking the Vodka?

Now normally that would've been enough for me to call it quits. "Ho ho ho, those wacky Russians," I'd say, finish my scotch and head off to a little inebriated beddy time. But then something made me look a bit longer. Well, not "something": in fact, it was a well placed banner ad for Sean Insanity and Ann Coulter books.

See, come to find out that the "WorldNetDaily" is some sort of funky conservative drool, thinly veiled as "news for a free people," whatever that means. It's full of all sorts of the usual taglines and bare knuckled Kerry bashing, so it was extremely interesting to learn that they snagged this little piece (and, oddly, didn't attribute it) straight from the little red pages of Pravda! Classic isn't it? Don't tell me I'm the only one who finds this snickerable.