IRREVERENT News

LOS ANGELES - Apocalypse preacher Harold Camping now reports the apocalypse is "not quite ready" according to God.

Using a "new and revised" doomsday prediction formula, Camping now reports that the apocalypse "is on hold... until God sorts some things out."  Among the items still under divine dispute, the actual "logistics of universal destruction."

"Universal destruction is no small task," Camping told believers during a recent radio show.  "You have a hundred billion galaxies to destroy, each of them have hundreds of billions of suns and planets and what not, and all that stuff is only about 4% of everything.  Things like dark energy and dark matter make up 96% of the universe, and that's tougher.  I believe the Almighty simply wants to ensure He's ready for the task of blowing all that stuff up."

When asked by a caller if God "underestimated" the task of Armageddon, Camping scoffed.  "Of course not," he told listeners.  "He just wants to be sure the job is done properly, that's all.  If you look carefully at the texts, you'll realize that originally Creation had been slated for 2 days, instead of 7.  Just like my sun porch!  That guy said it'd be done in 2 weeks, and here it is 7 weeks later and he's still not done, and he's charged me $10,000 more than the original quote!!  Slippage in any schedule is commonplace, let alone with the destruction of all things."

Wall Street reacted positively on the news that universal destruction would be postponed, turning a sluggish morning session bullish by 10:30.  Moods turned bearish after lunch, however, when traders realized the sashimi special at "Satishio" downtown wasn't all it was cracked up to be, and clogged restrooms for the rest of trading.