LONDON – An international group of scientists today at the Biannual Consolidated Research Conference announced, during the keynote speech, that a whopping “78.63% of all scientific research published… is totally depressing.”

Unfortunately the budget for cute science is negligible.“It is a sad fact, literally, that so much of our hard work winds up telling a horrifically depressing, yet highly accurate tale,” said Dr. Neils Brannigan, the conference’s head organizer. “Yet there are many other, non-depressing things too that we, as scientists, also study.”

Dr. Brannigan then detailed the remaining results. “For instance, 18.3% of our research isn’t depressing in any way. These include, well all the spurious research we front on behalf of special interest industry groups and this is very, very rarely depressing at all. In fact, most of this stuff is quite upbeat, by necessity, since we’re in fact just a way to stimulate sales for a product or category, like butter, automobiles, or Donald Trump.”

“Then, of course, the remaining 3.07% of science research is, well, just, ok stupid. But stupid does not imply depressing!”

The rest of the conference offered intensive workshops to help scientists cope with such an overwhelming amount of depressing findings. Two popular offerings were the two day “Coping with AIDS Research” workshop, featuring a Nobel-prize winning psychologist, and “Dealing With Your Climate Change Research Head-On!” which took a more lighthearted approach to help climate scientists come to terms with constantly spreading messages of global catastrophe and mass death to people in denial.

Photos: Flickr/Jason O'Halloran, _Gavroche_

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