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Latest News

WASHINGTON - Despite poor weather conditions in many states, today's Super Tuesday primaries have once again proven that absolutely nobody knows what in the hell the average American voter is thinking.

With Trump currently projected to win in at least 7 states and many GOP insiders seriously contemplating suicide, Hilary Clinton is likewise expected to beat Bernie Sanders in a showing that nobody without easy access to legalized marijuana seriously questioned.

As if to quell the GOP establishment, Trump was typically diplomatic.  "I don't give a damn what any of those idiots think of me," Trump screamed at supporters.  "When you've got 'em by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow!"

Clinton, meanwhile, spent much of the evening secretly drinking heavily as she contemplated the prospect of facing the billionaire casino owner and reality T.V. star in an actual general election.

Bernie Sanders, in true form, celebrated something.

"Not only is this one of the most interesting election cycles in recent history, it has to be, and I'll check this, one of the stupidest exhibitions of American political frustration and apathy in a generation," noted Harvard professor of politics Jude Landlawson. "This is a tsunami of indifference mashing violently against an increasingly disenfranchised and powerless voting bloc; one that is finally able to express every latent bias and horrible prejudice that would otherwise get them chastised by a modern society that has left them behind.  In short, [Trump] has become a pressure valve for the bigoted, a sort of relief valve for the undereducated and unsophisticated.  And they're exercising the one thing they've got left: their vote."

HOLLYWOOD – Today, Academy Award winner Leonardo DiCaprio announced that he would like to dedicate his win “to the plight of lions, tigers and bears… worldwide.”

Actor Leonardo DiCaprio“I have always had a great affinity to animals,” DiCaprio explained during the hastily prepared press conference today.  “This goes beyond that.  I want to raise awareness, particularly among our fellow animal performers, without who the likes of ‘We Bought a Zoo,’ and ‘Kung Fu Panda’ would be meaningless.”

When a reporter corrected DiCaprio, noting “Kung Fu Panda” was an animated film, the actor abruptly ended the interview.

DiCaprio, who became the public face of the “anti-prairie oyster” movement in 2014, has long shown an interest in the well-being of animal performers working in the Hollywood system.   Starting with his friendship with the animal wrangler on 2002’s “Gangs of New York,” DiCaprio began speaking publically shortly afterward about the “horrible, long hours” spent by animals involved in a major film production.

“The lights are hot and the hours long and tedious,” DiCaprio said in a 2003 interview with “Amazing Animalist” magazine.  “They literally get paid peanuts and it’s a terrible lens through which to see our industry, one that has since its inception been dedicated to speaking out against injustice and advocating for fairness.  Well at least sort of recently anyway.”

WASHINGTON - Astronaut Scott Kelly, who landed back on earth yesterday after an amazing year in space, reportedly went missing last night after watching news coverage of Super Tuesday primary returns.  Early this morning, NASA officials confirmed -- after checking Kelly's twitter feed -- that the astronaut "apparently bailed the planet... citing that 'humanity looks much better from 250 miles overhead.'"

Astronaut Kelly's twitter feed."You're all f****** nuts," tweeted Kelly shortly after launch, followed by: "I don't know if #AnotherYearInSpace will be enough, but I hope you come to your senses."

When asked about the apparent connection between his Super Tuesday victories and the astronaut's decision to leave the planet, GOP contender Donald Trump responded, "F*** him."

NASA, meanwhile, has been left to speculate how the sole astronaut was able to organize and execute a space launch virtually "on the fly" less than a day after returning to earth.  "Clearly we have some, uhh, major security gaps here," said NASA spokesman Arnie Bot.  "Rest assured we will look into these issues and produce a hefty report at some distant future date.  In the meantime we're making sure that front gate is locked and we've also made some personnel changes in the security guard department."

Wall Street opened sharply higher after hitting a couple nostrils full of pure Peruvian flake this morning, before medics were called near the end of the morning trading session on a possible overdose scare.  Recouping early in the afternoon, the Street is said to have checked its blood pressure before jumping into an inscrutable energy selling frenzy just after lunch.