THE NEIGHBORHOOD - Dr. Walter Palmer's Facebook gallery today confirmed what many had already feared: the world's most hated dentist has harvested yet another iconic feline, Daniel Tiger.
Missing from his neighborhood for nearly a week, friends had been fearing the worst, especially in light of Daniel's outspoken condemnation of the so-called "Dentist of Death"'s killing of Cecil the Lion in Zimbabwe in early July. Daniel's outrage had grown over time, moving from social media condemnation to organized physical protest, culminating in the "Million Tiger March" last week in Washington D.C. Attended by prominent felines from across the globe, keynote speaker Mufasa, surrounded by fellow actors Simba and Scar, lent his legendary support to Daniel. During his speech Mufasa publicly called for the "Dentist of Death's immediate extradition to Zimbabwe" and subsequent "brutal prosecution for... crimes against our species."
Daniel's followers had grown increasingly radicalized themselves, sometimes taking direct action against Dr. Palmer, prompting the dentist to remain in hiding but post his fears to Facebook: "I fear for my life... at the paws of Daniel's murderous gang of hooligans!"
Although officially investigating any and all threats to Dr. Palmer, Minnesotan police spokesman Marvin Hamil has publicly stated they "would not be upset" by "some acts against this dopey doc... provided they were not extreme... especially after what that son of a bitch did to that Milwaukee lion!"
The two-year old Daniel Tiger would've celebrated his third birthday September 3rd. He is survived by unknown parents and possibly some siblings.
NEW YORK - Billionaire philanthropist James Rockefeller V, a descendent of oil magnate John D. Rockefeller, stepped forward today as the sole winner of the 44 state Powerball lottery valued at just over $290 million. Although a winner was identified as having won the July 8th lottery, until this morning nobody had stepped forward to claim the prize.
"Mr. Rockefeller was surprised to learn he won," a spokesman said today at the Ritz-Carlton press conference. "Mr. Rockefeller purchased the ticket at the insistence of a local shopkeeper where he had stopped in for a quick cup of coffee on the way to his private hangar at JFK. The shopkeeper, a Mr. Tanzarian, will receive a check from Mr. Rockefeller for $1 million as a gesture of appreciation."
The winnings will be added to Rockefeller's estimated $9.8 billion fortune, allowing the philanthropist to break the renowned $10 billion mark. He said he would "simply... toss it on the pile."
Rockefeller, a well established patron of the New York arts and culture scene, said in a prepared statement that he did "not imagine... [winning the Powerball] will substantially change [his] life in any way" but thought it was "nice."
NORTH CAROLINA - Local flag merchant Irving Pez of Raleigh today announced that he, like many other retailers has "completely dropped" Confederate flags from his online and in-store stock due to its association "with racism and slavery," but was pleasantly surprised to discover that his "sales were made up... and then some by Nazi memorabilia."
"Sure didn't expect that," said Pez. "But it's been great for business."
Pez was quick to clarify that he "ain't no racist" but was simply responding to the market. "When I was selling [confederate] flags," Pez expalined, "I wasn't making no statement about slavery or whatnot, I was just selling what people wanted to buy. If they hated [African-Americans] that ain't my fault."