WASHINGTON - Today the White House announced that Robert Builder, the billionaire founder of MegaFoods International, would lead government reconstruction efforts in Puerto Rico "effective immediately."
Mr. Builder, an accomplished chief executive of one of the world's foremost frozen foods conglomerates and one of Forbes magazines top 50 richest people in the world, has no formal engineering or construction experience. However he is one of President Trump's closest friends and lifetime Mar-a-Lago golf club member.
Speaking to the press from Manila, the President praised Builder's ingenuity and drive. "Bob is one of the nicest, most down to earth guys you'll ever meet, believe me. He's amazing, really amazing. Next to me, he's the only guy who could get this done, rebuilding Puerto Rico, seriously I mean that, and I know building believe me. I've built an amazing amount of buildings, many, many golf courses, homes, and you name it, I've built it. And I'm going to build a wall too, you just wait and see, I'm going to have an announcement very, very soon about that too, so keep watching, you'll be amazed when you see the plans, trust me. Besides: Bob the Builder? How perfect is that?"
Off the record, one senior White House official was less enthusiastic about Mr. Builder's resumé. "The 'Bob the Builder' thing? Yeah that's why [the president] picked him. I'm not kidding."
MANILA - Today President Trump reported that his day long quest to find "a Koala bear" was met with mixed success, but he was "hopeful" he'd spot one "before the day is done." Few in the press corp were surprised as the Koala is indigenous to Australia and not the Philippines.
"I spent many, many hours looking today, believe me, and took many, many pictures, near misses I call them," President Trump explained. "Thousands of them really, to be honest. An amazing amount of pictures. Those cute little bears are great, really great, and I really like them a lot. So it was an honor to spend the day looking for them, one of them would be great, or an entire family, either way. But I don't have a really clear picture, but I really tried, believe me I did, nobody tried harder than me, I was a total winner."
The world press, Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte and other dignitaries applauded the president's remarks politely. Off-record, one senior official told IRREVERENT this was "even more of a bizarre rant than usual." Another added "Koala bears? WTF?"
Trump ordered the secret service to do a "hard target search" for the elusive bear, armed with cell phone cameras and binoculars, despite being informed by numerous staffers -- including chief of staff John Kelly -- that there were no Koala bears in the Philippines "outside a zoo." A "special investigative squad" of the secret service flew in from Washington late last night to aid in the effort, accompanied by their spouses and children, and in several cases brothers, sisters, and parents.
"We need all the eyes, ears and cameras we can get," Trump explained. As to the cost of the search, now estimated near $1.35 million, Trump was dismissive. "Fake news, just fake news."
When asked for comment, secret service spokesman Earl Davis smiled and said "no comment."
WASHINGTON - A new poll today by a group who has enough money to finance a poll announced that over 92% of "most Americans" who have "no healthcare coverage or minimal coverage" have "actively" lobbied their congressmen and senators demanding "greater... tax cuts."
Linda Jung of Morristown, Virginia, for example, makes less than $19,800 a year with a "high-deductible" healthcare plan from her employer that provides only minimal coverage once a $9,000 annual deductible is satisfied. When contacted by IRREVERENT, Mrs. Jung for some reason failed to mention tax cuts, but did express "daily terror" of being able to purchase food if just one of her three children would get sick. Clearly a statistical aberration, IRREVERENT contacted 92 more local residents within the same situation, none of whom, confusingly, mentioned "tax cuts, breaks or tax reform."
"That's highly unusual," said Bill "Whitey" Wittington, chief economist at the conservative "Me Too" Washington think-tank. "I've seen that poll by those guys, or group or something, whoever did that poll thing, and the data was highly convincing to me. I'm convinced therefore that you are merely 'fake news'ing this highly reputable poll by whoever those guys are, that clearly shows everyone and their uncle are demanding tax cuts as their number one concern."
"Almost nobody in this tax bracket pays taxes," noted Jim Jacobs, a senior fellow at the John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt Tax Policy Institute. "Certainly not wage earners here."
Ignoring all reporters looking for a comment, over lunch President Trump tweeted: "Finally, some truth! Voters want tax breaks period. Let's get it done!!"
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