"TRUMP MEGA-AWESOME PRESIDENTIAL MEGA-TOWER," NEW YORK - President-elect Trump today announced additional appointments to his cabinet, following a brief $1,000/ticket raffle held among the nation's GOP elite and supporters. "First, and this is the truth, I'm incredibly grateful for all of you showing me your support now that I've already won, you spineless losers," President-elect Trump said to the crowd. "Not that I'm going to be vindictive or anything like that, no I won't. But thank you too for spending a thousand dollars a ticket to be part of my adminstration, yes, get that right MY ADMINISTRATION, that horrible thing that you couldn't even stand to say in public a few short weeks ago. SAD!"
Here's what we know so far:
Vice President of the United States - Mike "Tuppence" Pence
Department of State - Machiavelli
Department of the Treasury - One of Trump's children ("whoever")
Department of Defense - Negan
Department of Justice - Omarosa (COME BACK!)
Department of the Interior - "Get rid of it!"
Department of Agriculture - TBD
Department of Commerce - Another one of Trump's children ("whoever's left")
Department of Labor - Kim Kardashian
Department of Health and Human Services - Carrot Top
Department of Housing and Urban Development - TBD
Department of Transportation - Kelsey Grammer
Department of Energy - TBD
Department of Education - TBD
Department of Veterans Affairs - TBD
Department of Homeland Security - TBD
The entire debate in 60 seconds:
DONALD TRUMP: I made a lot, a lot of money last year and that's the kind of thinking this country needs, people making more wealth than they could possibly spend in 100 lifetimes and keeping as much as possible, if you told me I'd make so much money twenty or thirty years ago I'd be really surprised, and Ford is exporting jobs and we're in a nasty, a NASTY bubble, and as soon as Obama goes off to play golf somewhere - I hope it's a good course, one of mine maybe -- you watch interest rates climb and the economy tank and then ISIS and NAFTA.... (Continues his stream-of-consciousness tirade for two more minutes.)
HILLARY CLINTON: Kiefer Sutherland you can trust with the nuclear football. Don't vote for crazy.