MANILA - Today President Trump reported that his day long quest to find "a Koala bear" was met with mixed success, but he was "hopeful" he'd spot one "before the day is done." Few in the press corp were surprised as the Koala is indigenous to Australia and not the Philippines.
"I spent many, many hours looking today, believe me, and took many, many pictures, near misses I call them," President Trump explained. "Thousands of them really, to be honest. An amazing amount of pictures. Those cute little bears are great, really great, and I really like them a lot. So it was an honor to spend the day looking for them, one of them would be great, or an entire family, either way. But I don't have a really clear picture, but I really tried, believe me I did, nobody tried harder than me, I was a total winner."
The world press, Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte and other dignitaries applauded the president's remarks politely. Off-record, one senior official told IRREVERENT this was "even more of a bizarre rant than usual." Another added "Koala bears? WTF?"
Trump ordered the secret service to do a "hard target search" for the elusive bear, armed with cell phone cameras and binoculars, despite being informed by numerous staffers -- including chief of staff John Kelly -- that there were no Koala bears in the Philippines "outside a zoo." A "special investigative squad" of the secret service flew in from Washington late last night to aid in the effort, accompanied by their spouses and children, and in several cases brothers, sisters, and parents.
"We need all the eyes, ears and cameras we can get," Trump explained. As to the cost of the search, now estimated near $1.35 million, Trump was dismissive. "Fake news, just fake news."
When asked for comment, secret service spokesman Earl Davis smiled and said "no comment."
WASHINGTON - A new poll today by a group who has enough money to finance a poll announced that over 92% of "most Americans" who have "no healthcare coverage or minimal coverage" have "actively" lobbied their congressmen and senators demanding "greater... tax cuts."
Linda Jung of Morristown, Virginia, for example, makes less than $19,800 a year with a "high-deductible" healthcare plan from her employer that provides only minimal coverage once a $9,000 annual deductible is satisfied. When contacted by IRREVERENT, Mrs. Jung for some reason failed to mention tax cuts, but did express "daily terror" of being able to purchase food if just one of her three children would get sick. Clearly a statistical aberration, IRREVERENT contacted 92 more local residents within the same situation, none of whom, confusingly, mentioned "tax cuts, breaks or tax reform."
"That's highly unusual," said Bill "Whitey" Wittington, chief economist at the conservative "Me Too" Washington think-tank. "I've seen that poll by those guys, or group or something, whoever did that poll thing, and the data was highly convincing to me. I'm convinced therefore that you are merely 'fake news'ing this highly reputable poll by whoever those guys are, that clearly shows everyone and their uncle are demanding tax cuts as their number one concern."
"Almost nobody in this tax bracket pays taxes," noted Jim Jacobs, a senior fellow at the John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt Tax Policy Institute. "Certainly not wage earners here."
Ignoring all reporters looking for a comment, over lunch President Trump tweeted: "Finally, some truth! Voters want tax breaks period. Let's get it done!!"
FLORIDA - Today President Trump announced that he did, indeed have "a bunch" of "additional, extremely timely and needed pardons" queued up and ready to go "whenever the next major disaster hits."
"We have many, many more pardons to come," Trump told the press from his solid gold podium at Mar a Lago. "Many, many more, so many people that Obama just refused to pardon, because he was a jerk, pardon my French, a real jerk if I'm being honest. So I'm going to do it, because it's the right thing to do. They're all ready to go, we just need to have the right forum, you know, for maxium impact. These need big, huge ratings, so keep an eye out during the next hurricane or tornado or something, maybe a missile launch, who knows. We'll do it then because that's when everyone's watching television, believe me I know T.V. and that's the best way to do these things, trust me."
A stunned press corp had little to say afterward.
Trump meanwhile has announced he would "fly around" the devestated areas in Texas and "take a couple of pictures," adding he wanted "to show people how grateful" he was "for voting for me in the election," adding that he "won Texas by two or three landslides." In fact the President won Texas with 52.2% of the vote.
Again stunned, the assembled press couldn't think of a followup.
Trump concluded with some harsh words for North Korean leader Kim Jong-un, saying, "if that guy [Kim Jong-un] wants to try to bomb anything else, say any sort of U.S. terrority or something like that, just let me say this: you don't have the balls. You don't. And I mean that. I've got a whole fistful of pardons here too, just waiting, I dare you!"