IRREVERENT News

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Written by Scott Meadow

DELAWARE - The Secret Service today told reporters that it had concluded its investigation into a series of prank calls made to the President-elect, and that "all calls had originated... from the White House residence."

Spokesman Alex Goodwin characterized the calls as "incoherent" and "bizarre," alternating between "frenzied conspiracy theories" and "bouts of child-like sobbing."

When asked for comment, President-elect Biden, who did not answer the calls but did hear "numerous" voicemails left by the caller, shook his head slowly and said, "What a jerk."

Trump spent the day golfing, as he had been for most of the previous week.  Holding an impromptu press conference at the 13th hole, he told reporters that "I have been working tirelessly for weeks now, at my desk in the Oval Office, working on a vaccine for the China virus" and that he "will not stop, or leave the White House, until it's done."  Seemingly anticipating reporters pointing out that he had not, in fact, been in the White House for over a week, he added, "Fake news, fake news."

Wall Street reacted predictably, sending telecom shares tumbling in brisk morning trading, before scooping them off the floor in early afternoon profit taking.  "I'm gonna miss this," said The Street.  "Nobody could pistol-whip the markets with his insane delusions like this wack-job," presumably referencing the current President.

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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON – Last night Vice-President Pence gave the keynote speech at the Republican National Convention, saying President Trump “had extraordinary powers of telekinesis,” “actual angel wings, I’ve seen him fly,” and “a level of intelligence greater than any being in the galaxy.”

The Republican National Convention, titled “A World of Make Believe,” as “homage to the amazing work of the late Fred Rogers who united all people,” continued the theme last night having the Vice-President speak from the perch of King Friday XIII’s castle.  “Like Fred [Rogers], President Trump sees an America oozing with possibilities and opportunities, and his tireless service to all people of the nation should definitely continue for four more years,” Pence said.  “Or else.”

Earlier, dressed as “Queen Sara Saturday,” Kellyanne Conway seemingly previewed the remarks.  “I have seen this president soar like an eagle over the nation’s capital on those giant white wings he keeps tucked inside that suit he wears every day,” Conway said.  “He is tirelessly searching for all those who look to hurt our great nation, by insulting him or criticizing him in some way, and I’ve seen him majestically swoop down and take them out with his powerful talons on twitter.”  Overcome with emotion, she paused before adding: “It’s a beautiful thing to witness.”

IRREVERENT’s budget-friendly Republican strategist Mike “The Pog” Pogorselski characterized the Day 3 speeches as “what had to happen.”  “Look there’s not much else they can do,” the Pog said over a moderate iced coffee we bought with a coupon.  “With almost 200,000 dead due to a virus, tens of millions out of work, and an economy teetering on the brink of extinction, you have to slap on the smiley face and say ‘all is well’ before folks run you out of town on a rail.”

Wall Street forgot to watch last night’s RNC coverage, instead working on reorganizing its offshore dummy corps to better take advantage of its British Virgin Islands tax havens.  “I feel like a third-world dictator,” the Street confessed, looking at its balance sheets.  “The country’s on fire and I’m banking billions.   Fuck yeah!”

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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON - Today President Trump criticized Michelle Obama's criticism of his presidency presented during the Democratic National Convention, saying, "She taped her responses, very unprofessional," and noted that her COVID-19 statistics were "totally inaccurate... the death count is much higher" than what she said in the pre-recorded segment.

"Four years later, the state of this nation is very different," the former First Lady said. "More than 150,000 people have died, and our economy is in shambles because of a virus that this president downplayed for too long. It has left millions of people jobless."

The President responded harshly, calling her video "poorly produced."  "She didn't even do the segment live, very disappointing," the President said.  "She said something like 150,000 dead [from the pandemic], but it's much more, closer to 170,000, you know, about 35,000 more than the U.S.lost in World War One, Korea, and Vietnam combined."  The President shook his head.  "Very, very sloppy and unprofessional segment research."

Stunned media pundits noted that the president's remarks "stunned" them.

Republican leaders supported the president's remarks at a hastily prepared press conference.  "I don't think it's even debatable that she prerecorded her statement," said John Johnson, the senior Republican senator from Wyoming.

Wall Street reacted by throwing tech stocks against a brick wall, and seeing which ones oozed to the floor, before scooping them all back up in early afternoon profit taking.

Photos: screenshots