HOUSTON – Today NASA spokesman Jim Jameson told reporters, during a hastily prepared press conference, that “the math… was much, much harder than we theorized” as he discussed the latest of seven satellite explosions, costing nearly $3.1 billion.
“Over the past 18 months, we’ve completely reengineered our processes, including adding an entire service virtualization layer for systems testing,” Jameson continued. “We’ve worked very hard on creating a cultural paradigm shift in the way that engineers interact with QA folks, management, and technicians of every level. Our consultants have been working with award-winning, best of breed tools, and are top people in process engineering and change management. As it turns out, perhaps, we weren’t as focused on the math as may have been warranted.”
“In retrospect,” added NASA PR flack Dale Dennis, “the agency’s  PR campaign, ‘It’s Not Rocket Science!’ may have been ill advised.” After a moment of contemplation, he added, “Although I thought it was a great idea.”
In retrospect the agency’s PR campaign, ‘It’s Not Rocket Science!’ may have been ill advised.Some outside NASA agree. “NASA’s been hobbled ever since the consultants starting ‘improving’ things over there,” noted Jill Gillington, senior researcher at Framus-Whickhouse-Bradbury, a think-tank specializing in technology policy. “There’s a group of fast talking, highly articulate, Ivy-league bullshitters in leadership now. They’ve got everyone so busy doing thought-experiments with the latest management theory, that nobody’s crunching the numbers.”
“You can’t make an omelet without blowing up a few eggs, hopefully over a sparsely populated area,” said Congressman Bill Williamson (R-Oklahoma), junior member of the House Appropriations Committee, and architect of HR-9712 the so-called “NASA Reinvention Act.” “Look, the goal of [HR-9712] was to bring [NASA] into the 21st Century of management innovation, rather than some stuffy old sewer filled with eggheads, slide rulers, and pocket protectors. How can you attract top talent with a horrible public image? We changed that, and not a moment too soon.”
VATICAN CITY - Addressing a large crowd of refugees, today Pope Francis told the assembled poor and displaced that god "holds you in his great hands" and would "try His very best to do good things for you, despite putting you through endless misery, including poverty, famine, and death. He loves you."
Applause was scattered as the pontiff’s message was translated into over a dozen languages.
WASHINGTON - President Donald Trump praised himself on Friday for doing an "excellent, truly excellent" job during his first month in office. "America, you are god**mn lucky to have me," the President noted with a smile.
Without pausing the President then launched into his daily soliloquy, today's a celebration of himself. "I have shown everyone what a decisive leader I am, really great, so great I've even surprised myself how great I am," Trump continued, smiling to himself. "I've kept every single one of my campaign promises, just like I promised, and flawlessly executed every single plan I put in place, remarkable! You are so, so lucky, America. Truly, truly lucky. You made a GREAT choice, really great. Everyone who voted for me and supported me, all over the world, should congratulate themselves, truly. You elected a winner. Nobody is a bigger winner than me, and I'll always tell you the truth, always, anyone who says anything else is a liar and FAKE NEWS."
If my brother or whatever went to Koala Lemur [sic] where those little bears are, very cute, very cute those bears, and got killed or something, there's no WAY I'd let that stand.Again, without pausing for a breath, "Even my kids are winners, thanks to me, really, if you think about it. My wife, the first lady, WINNER. Duh she's my wife, a total winner, I wouldn't marry anything less, trust me. They all got great deals thanks to me, great deals, the best deals in the world really. We're nothing like North Korea for example either, nothing, nothing. If my brother or whatever went to Koala Lemur [sic] [Kuala Lumpur] where those little bears are, very cute, very cute those bears, and got killed or something, there's no WAY I'd let that stand. I don't believe this guy [North Korean leader Kim Jong Un] is letting this go. He's got missiles! But you guys in the press you'll never report it, never. Very dishonest people, you guys."
The President then continued to praise his recent cabinet picks, emphasize how "semitic" he was because he "loved Jewish people" like his "good pal Bibi" [Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu], point out how badly Arnold Schwarzenegger tanked the ratings on his old T.V. show "The Apprentice," how "lucky" his children and grandchildren are to "have just known [him]," and finally reiterating how "amazingly lucky" citizens of the United States were to have a "great man like [him] running the nation," except for "illegals" who will be "rounded up and deported shortly" with the "help of the military." Smiling he then added, "Just kidding" with a wink.
After a lazy Friday morning trading session, Wall Street ignored its news feeds and instead focused on screaming at "Stan," the Street's hard-working CPA, throughout a disappointing lunch at Augustine in the Beekman. If the Street was going to pay $25 for a whiskey burger, it damn well better get him tipsy, was the general complaint throughout the meal, shared with long-time on-again-off-again companion the FTSE.