DELAWARE - The Secret Service today told reporters that it had concluded its investigation into a series of prank calls made to the President-elect, and that "all calls had originated... from the White House residence."
Spokesman Alex Goodwin characterized the calls as "incoherent" and "bizarre," alternating between "frenzied conspiracy theories" and "bouts of child-like sobbing."
When asked for comment, President-elect Biden, who did not answer the calls but did hear "numerous" voicemails left by the caller, shook his head slowly and said, "What a jerk."
Trump spent the day golfing, as he had been for most of the previous week. Holding an impromptu press conference at the 13th hole, he told reporters that "I have been working tirelessly for weeks now, at my desk in the Oval Office, working on a vaccine for the China virus" and that he "will not stop, or leave the White House, until it's done." Seemingly anticipating reporters pointing out that he had not, in fact, been in the White House for over a week, he added, "Fake news, fake news."
Wall Street reacted predictably, sending telecom shares tumbling in brisk morning trading, before scooping them off the floor in early afternoon profit taking. "I'm gonna miss this," said The Street. "Nobody could pistol-whip the markets with his insane delusions like this wack-job," presumably referencing the current President.