WASHINGTON – Last night Vice-President Pence gave the keynote speech at the Republican National Convention, saying President Trump “had extraordinary powers of telekinesis,” “actual angel wings, I’ve seen him fly,” and “a level of intelligence greater than any being in the galaxy.”
The Republican National Convention, titled “A World of Make Believe,” as “homage to the amazing work of the late Fred Rogers who united all people,” continued the theme last night having the Vice-President speak from the perch of King Friday XIII’s castle. “Like Fred [Rogers], President Trump sees an America oozing with possibilities and opportunities, and his tireless service to all people of the nation should definitely continue for four more years,” Pence said. “Or else.”
Earlier, dressed as “Queen Sara Saturday,” Kellyanne Conway seemingly previewed the remarks. “I have seen this president soar like an eagle over the nation’s capital on those giant white wings he keeps tucked inside that suit he wears every day,” Conway said. “He is tirelessly searching for all those who look to hurt our great nation, by insulting him or criticizing him in some way, and I’ve seen him majestically swoop down and take them out with his powerful talons on twitter.” Overcome with emotion, she paused before adding: “It’s a beautiful thing to witness.”
IRREVERENT’s budget-friendly Republican strategist Mike “The Pog” Pogorselski characterized the Day 3 speeches as “what had to happen.” “Look there’s not much else they can do,” the Pog said over a moderate iced coffee we bought with a coupon. “With almost 200,000 dead due to a virus, tens of millions out of work, and an economy teetering on the brink of extinction, you have to slap on the smiley face and say ‘all is well’ before folks run you out of town on a rail.”
Wall Street forgot to watch last night’s RNC coverage, instead working on reorganizing its offshore dummy corps to better take advantage of its British Virgin Islands tax havens. “I feel like a third-world dictator,” the Street confessed, looking at its balance sheets. “The country’s on fire and I’m banking billions. Fuck yeah!”
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