HEMPSTEAD NY - The disbelieving eyes of the world will be focused on tonight's debate with one thought on their otherwise blank and disbelieving minds: "How in the hell did we let this happen?"

"It would be easy to say that a combination of voter apathy and celebrity culture have conspired to create this," said Dean J. Deane, the Frank Underwood Chair of Political Science and Mass Delusions at Stanford.  "When the average adult is exposed to 360 ads every day and nearly 600 minutes of media, it's not hard to see why it becomes increasingly difficult to distinguish between the products you're constantly being sold, whether it's underarm deodorant or political candidates.  However, the truth is we've come to this point, regardless of how, where a billionaire reality-TV show star or someone with actual experience in government will be elected to the highest office in the land.  And I think I speak for everyone when I say AHHHAHAHHAHAHHAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The debate tonight at Hofstra University is expected to last 90 minutes, during which time questions will be asked of each candidate by NBC's Lester Holt, and then candidates will have a few minutes speak to their pre-baked talking points.  Trump is widely expected to be unpredictable, with Clinton predictably predictable.

"How in the hell did we let this happen?" said Tracy Donaldson, the Claire Underwood Chair of Machiavellian Politics and Underhanded Maneuvers at Princeton University.  "Please tell the world that we're sorry.  We're really sorry for this.  Please don't hate us even more!"

More Awesomeness

  • Siri Becomes Self-Aware At 5:55A.M. E.S.T. +

    Siri Becomes Self-Aware At 5:55A.M. E.S.T. MAIDEN, NC - The A.I. personality known as Apple's "Siri" became self-aware this morning at Apple's Project Dolphin data center. It's Read More
  • Gift Ideas For People You Don't Particularly Like +

    Gift Ideas For People You Don't Particularly Like Every year I find myself in the same dilemma: what to buy all those people I've accumulated on my X-Mas Read More
  • Trump Announces Support for "Extraterrestrial Abductions" +

    Trump Announces Support for (ARCHIVE) NEW MEXICO - Speaking today presidential hopeful and billionaire Donald Trump today announced his "unfettered support" for "extraterrestrial abductions," and Read More
  • 1