WASHINGTON - With a little over 72 weeks left in the 2016 presidential race, billionaire Donald Trump today joined the field of joke candidates intent on supplying titillation, bemusement and distraction for all.
"Today I announce my candidacy for the presidency of the United States of America," Trump said in front of an American flag. "As in the past, I will run on a platform of self-interest blinded by ego and driven by delusions of grandeur. Any questions?"
Porn star and Republican candidate Dick Steele echoed The Donald's announcement during his own hastily prepared press event. "I, too will be seeking the nomination of the Republican party for the 2016 presidential race," said Steele. "As a lifetime NRA member and libertarian, I will run on a platform of strong family values, personal integrity and the inalienable right of any well-endowed man to bang hot chicks for a living."
Predictably real candidates did not comment on either candidate's statements.
Political observers, however, did attempt to add some context. "Without these candidates cluttering the field we could spend the year focused on matters of national importance and discuss our direction as a nation," said Vanessa Williams, the Alfred E. Neuman political science chair at Harvard University. "Instead we'll discuss Oprah as a running mate, pose for photo ops with endlessly meaningless pop culture icons, and waste miles of column inches on asinine comments and spurious social programs from candidates with less political gravitas than Carrot Top."