WASHINGTON - President Trump today warmly welcomed Swedish Prime Minister Stefan Löfven at the White House, proclaiming his new trade deals will be "covered with love," and that "Swedish porno stars.. are the best, absolute best."
"We need steel and aluminium, because it's all great stuff, and China is taking advantage of us, seriously, victimizing us really, just because they're in a superior position. They used their position of power to take advantage of us, and that's just wrong. Wrong, wrong wrong. Whenever anyone in a position of authority uses their position to exploit others is disgraceful."
The President then went on to declare how the Oscars are "rigged," characterized football players taking a knee as "throwaway protests," and declared free speech "fine... in certain contexts."
Prime Minister Löfven meanwhile contained his shock well, sipping water and looking upward at the ceiling.
"He didn't address anything about the two main planks in our party platform," noted Ronna McDaniel, Chair of the Republican National Committee. "This one here, which is oak I believe, that people have too much healthcare, really an unhealthy amount of healthcare and it's killing American families. We're working hard to remedy that. Second, this one is pine I think, or maybe spruce, is that taxes are absurdly high for well off Americans, who need that money desperately, and know how to spend it much, much better than the average American. More effectively really, on those items that really power-boost the economy. So we need that more."
Wall Street jumped up and down in place on the prospect of seriously repressive tariffs on steel and aluminium before burning everything in sight, dropping the Dow, NASDAQ and SP500 into free-fall before opportunists woke up and went long, mopping up a healthy intra day profit.
UNITED STATES - Today President Trump fully endorsed the controversial Vial of Pure Evil in its senate run, despite being an admitted vial of pure evil. "We need this vial in the senate, and the sooner the better," said President Trump. "We all know the vial is pure evil, we get it, everything has its faults, nothing is perfect, not in this world, particularly concentrated essences of distilled evil like this. But we need all kinds of different points of view, on all sides of the issue. It's important. How else can this be a democracy or whatever?"
Although The Vial of Pure Evil is running as a Republican, no other Republican leaders have endorsed it. "No, I don't think the vial should continue its senate campaign," said Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. "It's a vial of pure evil, for goodness sakes. Yes, we need Republican votes but ... but ... this is pure evil! There has to be a limit, and we can't just go letting this ooze into the United States Senate! It freely admits it's evil! Evil is in it's name!!"
Temporarily thawed out of suspended animation, House Speaker Paul Ryan agreed. "I agree with Mitch," said Ryan.
The Vial of Pure Evil, meanwhile, remains defiant of all opposition. "I will never suspend my campaign," said the Vial. "I will crush all opposition and ruthlessly eliminate all those who oppose my dark designs. Those who survive will do so only with my express permission, and solely for the purpose of exacting my revenge upon them and their families. Tremble before my awesome might. Prepare for my glorious kingdom of darkness and despair."
Pausing between explaining the President's anti-Muslim tweets and his taunting of North Korea, White House press secretary and woman who deserves a 500% pay raise Sarah Huckabee Sanders explained. "Look, we all know that the Vial of Pure Evil is evil, ok. We get it. Evil is evil. The vial admits it, and the president knows that too, he does. Does that mean it can't run for the senate? That's the issue here, see. Just because we don't like what someone says, or what someone stands for, doesn't mean that's not what the country needs. The President gets that, and just wants to see an even playing field for everyone, including unspeakable evil."
WASHINGTON - Attorney General Jeff Sessions testified yesterday before the House Judiciary Committee and his wife, Mary Sessions just ain't buying it.
"The Russian Ambassador?" Sessions said at one point. "No, I... I thought he spoke kinda funny, you know. I didn't wanna be rude, see. No, but no, I didn't know he was Russian let alone the ambassador over there." At this point, Mary Sessions clearly wasn't buying it.
"Her expression is a combination of disbelief and disappointment in her husband," said Melinda Merryfellows, noted psychiatrist and current president of the North American Psychiatric Association. "It's not clear if she believes him to be lying exactly, but definitely saying or doing something she's not proud of. Of course it could be that she believes he's just not selling it very well too."
"Husbands and wives, particularly when married to political or high-profile spouses, are often very invested in their spouse's career and public image," said Gerald McCann, a public image consultant and partner in Finklestein-Erinblighter-McCann. "When they perceive the spouse of screwing up, lying or blowing some major thing, they're often much more disappointed than the spouse themselves."
"Just about 70% of all human communication is nonverbal," noted Merryfellows. "It pays to keep that in mind."
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