WASHINGTON - President Donald Trump praised himself on Friday for doing an "excellent, truly excellent" job during his first month in office. "America, you are god**mn lucky to have me," the President noted with a smile.
Without pausing the President then launched into his daily soliloquy, today's a celebration of himself. "I have shown everyone what a decisive leader I am, really great, so great I've even surprised myself how great I am," Trump continued, smiling to himself. "I've kept every single one of my campaign promises, just like I promised, and flawlessly executed every single plan I put in place, remarkable! You are so, so lucky, America. Truly, truly lucky. You made a GREAT choice, really great. Everyone who voted for me and supported me, all over the world, should congratulate themselves, truly. You elected a winner. Nobody is a bigger winner than me, and I'll always tell you the truth, always, anyone who says anything else is a liar and FAKE NEWS."
If my brother or whatever went to Koala Lemur [sic] where those little bears are, very cute, very cute those bears, and got killed or something, there's no WAY I'd let that stand.Again, without pausing for a breath, "Even my kids are winners, thanks to me, really, if you think about it. My wife, the first lady, WINNER. Duh she's my wife, a total winner, I wouldn't marry anything less, trust me. They all got great deals thanks to me, great deals, the best deals in the world really. We're nothing like North Korea for example either, nothing, nothing. If my brother or whatever went to Koala Lemur [sic] [Kuala Lumpur] where those little bears are, very cute, very cute those bears, and got killed or something, there's no WAY I'd let that stand. I don't believe this guy [North Korean leader Kim Jong Un] is letting this go. He's got missiles! But you guys in the press you'll never report it, never. Very dishonest people, you guys."
The President then continued to praise his recent cabinet picks, emphasize how "semitic" he was because he "loved Jewish people" like his "good pal Bibi" [Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu], point out how badly Arnold Schwarzenegger tanked the ratings on his old T.V. show "The Apprentice," how "lucky" his children and grandchildren are to "have just known [him]," and finally reiterating how "amazingly lucky" citizens of the United States were to have a "great man like [him] running the nation," except for "illegals" who will be "rounded up and deported shortly" with the "help of the military." Smiling he then added, "Just kidding" with a wink.
After a lazy Friday morning trading session, Wall Street ignored its news feeds and instead focused on screaming at "Stan," the Street's hard-working CPA, throughout a disappointing lunch at Augustine in the Beekman. If the Street was going to pay $25 for a whiskey burger, it damn well better get him tipsy, was the general complaint throughout the meal, shared with long-time on-again-off-again companion the FTSE.
WASHINGTON - Early this morning President Trump tweeted what he claimed was the "evidence" that the C.I.A. presented him showing his administration's ties to Russian intelligence operatives, in the form of two hastily doctored photographs with the President's name clearly visible in the image properties.
"Did you see my tweet," the President said later, cutting off the Prime Minister of Israel in mid-sentence during his unscheduled afternoon soliloquy. "Did you see it? That's the evidence they have, the CIA, that's what they have, and it's pathetic, pathetic. Like Arnold Schwarzenegger, just sad, sad. Nobody can fill my shoes. They've clearly made it up." The President then discussed his old T.V. show again, and how "dishonest" new coverage of him is, before segueing into a diatribe against "Vanity Fair," "terrible Russian vodka.. in Moscow of all places," a meditation on Ivanka's shoes for some reason, a meeting he had at "NASA someplace" that was "great," how "peace could be achieved" in the middle-east thanks to him "if only they'll listen to the best deal they'll ever get," and finally, we think, something to do with what either his wife or Kellyanne Conway wore yesterday, we're not sure. Then the President just sort of wandered off the stage.
Taking a second to repressurize the press corps water cannon, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer was quick to defend the President's tweet and his later comments. "It's obvious to anyone who looks at those pictures that the evidence here was very, very slim," Spicer said, holding up very small pictures of the photos from twitter. "I think it's obvious that the intelligence agencies have it out for President Trump."
He clearly just taped his face over someone else's and then said it was from the CIA to make their evidence seem shaky, said New York Times reporter Judy Judith."His name is in the image properties as the author," noted Washington Post reporter Stu Studly.
"He clearly just taped his face over someone else's and then said it was from the CIA to make their evidence seem shaky," added New York Times' Judy Judith.
"At least use a different picture," added Fox News reporter Cliff Cliffords, dejectedly.
At this point, Spicer reengaged the water cannon, sweeping the assembled press and cameramen off their feet and into a large, wet, swirling mess headed at high-speed to the back conference room wall.
Interrupted at the execution of thirteen political dissidents, Russian President Vladimir Putin wiped away tears of laughter before cursing at reporters looking for a reaction. As of filing, none of the reporters could be located.
HOLLYWOOD - Twentieth-Century Fox announced today that it was greenlighting a film about the infamously nonexistent Bowling Green Massacre, where two Iranian nationals failed to blow up dozens of people using improvised exploding devices in Bowling Green, Kentucky.
“We fell in love with the script,” said Jim Jameson, Head of Worldwide Productions. “It’s a detective story, basically, where this brave heroine tracks down the killers and tells the world of their crimes. But was it all just a dream? Is she actually totally insane? Just a liar? It’s ‘The Wizard of Oz’ meets ‘Total Recall’; we think audiences are going to love it! At least 49% of them but that’s a lot.”
Although little of the plot has been released, the film, written by actor Gary Busey, follows the build-up and aftermath of one of the nation’s most famous terrorist attacks that didn’t take place. “I wanted to play with the ideas of dreams and reality, truth and fiction, how truth is as subjective as fiction,” said Busey. “This is really some of my best work yet. I was able to dribble some of my ineffable, alien life essence into this work, from the innermost chasm of my own orgasmic consciousness. My power cannot be denied: whatever I do or say cannot be denied on the intergalactic highway of existence.”
Industry insiders have reported similar films in the pipeline at other major studios. “It’s rumored that MGM has a ‘Bowling Green’ thing with Stephen Baldwin attached,” said Janice Janetson, chief entertainment correspondent at “Whatever” magazine. “And Paramount has a sci-fi take on the same thing with Arnold Schwarzenegger playing the President, and Kaitlyn Olson as the lone, brave heroine telling the world of the massacre that didn’t happen. Or did it, right. This could be another ‘Deep Impact,’ ‘Armageddon’ situation, only with a fake premise.”
Wall Street reacted by snorting a line of H and lighting its own farts.