WASHINGTON – Today President Trump talked at the annual National Prayer Breakfast, although as hard as we tried to follow what he was saying, we have no idea what the speech was actually about.
“Thank you very much,” President Trump said, and then launched into a stream-of-consciousness talk on President Eisenhower, Rex Tillerson’s swearing in, his old T.V. show “The Apprentice,” and how he fired Mark Burnett apparently. In there somewhere he publically speculated on who actually appoints the Chaplain he just heard speak – Did he do it and forget? Was it the Senate? – then, despite not knowing who appointed him, says “the hell with it” and "guarantees" him a “secure job,” for some reason and with some unknown authority to do so.
Then he went on to praise Vice-President Pence, and particularly point out why he (Trump) was so smart to have picked him for V.P., then he “thanked” the American people for their “faith and prayers,” stressed his appreciation for the U.S. military, the heroism of Chief Owens, how “miserable” really rich people are, how if you’re poor you better have “great families” and “faith” since “they don’t have money.... and they're happy.” Whew.
At this point, we had to break open the smelling salts. He then said how “blessed” he was to “be raised in a churched home,” how “freedom of religion is a sacred right,” then that “the world is under serious, serious threat in so many different ways,” whatever those ways or threats are, but it’s all gonna be ok because “I fix things,” the President said, trying to reassure the few remaining folks who were trying to keep up.
But then he noted “we have seen unimaginable violence carried out in the name of religion” (my head really started hurting at this point), that terrorism “must be stopped,” then he apparently realized he kinda lost his new Secretary of Defense as he was “going to some other spots” that he couldn’t recollect, then said how he will keep bad guys from entering the United States, then again how great God is, and then “God bless you and God bless America.” There very well may have been a recitation of an old grocery list, a spoken-word cover of an Adele song, or itemized hotel receipt in there too somewhere, we just don't know. By that point the audience was too numb to notice anyway.
Then, we’re pretty sure? He stopped talking. We are still foggy on the entire experience.
PUNXSUTAWNEY – Today world famous marmot Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his chilly winter slumber as he was yanked out of his hole by handler John Griffiths. Phil saw his shadow, and told Griffiths that there “will be another six weeks of winter.. and a 50/50 shot at a war with Mexico or possibly Australia.” The rodent then added, “Hopefully Australia, ‘cause it’s warm and too long since we’ve been at war with a nation that had nude beaches.”
Phil was apparently commenting on President Trump’s recent heated exchanges with leaders of both nations.
Before he could be asked for a tweet, President Trump tweeted: “Why are you listening to an overgrown squirrel on foreign policy? Don’t worry about it!” The President then continued a tweet-rade on "Vanity Fair" magazine and "terrible" limousine drivers who "manage to hit every pothole in Manhattan."
Army General Tony Sitwell, IRREVERENT’s most affordable military advisor, was equally nonchalant about the prospect of a U.S.-Australia war. “The entire Australian army is about 30,000 troops, and we have about 500,000 give or take on active duty. We could conquer the whole country in a couple days, even allowing for the nude sunbathing and whatnot.” The General thought about this a minute and then concluded, “But it’s a stupid idea.”
Wall Street woke up from a severe hangover this morning and decided that both possibilities were equally meaningless before continuing to beat the hell out of tech stocks. Stopping only to check on its Amazon shipment of a new iPad, having broken his previous one after a particularly grueling afternoon trading session last week, the Street continued profit-taking into lunch and then knocked off early.
WASHINGTON - President Trump today was treated by doctors at the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center for "severe cramping and signing blisters.. in [his red] right hand."
"His hand was inflamed and the President complained that it was both 'achy' and 'tingly,'" said Chief Surgeon Admiral Bill Billington. "We ordered a number of tests, but nothing serious was found beyond inflammation and some blisters. We attributed the trauma simply to 'signing strain,' particularly given how active his signing hand has been the past few weeks."
Before the hastily prepared press conference could continue, however, the President had signed an executive order in the examination room forbidding Billington from revealing any other details of the President's medical condition. Adm. Billington was then detained by the secret service for questioning.
Appearing apparently from nowhere, Kellyanne Conway was quick to characterize the President's condition, without being asked, as "excellent" and a "textbook model.. of human health." Pulled by the ear by Conway, White House spokesman Sean Spicer appeared from the crowd and added, "He is the very model of a modern major President." At this point the press conference degraded into song.
Busy speed-approving President Trump's nominees for his cabinet, Senate Republicans offered no comment on the President's condition, although at least one prominent Democrat did note that "clearly the President is deathly ill with some horrible, communicable disease."
Wall Street sluffed off the President's medical visit entirely, instead focusing on the cute new intern on the trading floor named "Kim" or "Kendra" or something. Wearing a navy blue business suit, the intern looked "23 or 24," and it didn't take long before traders had an impressive bet going on who would ask her to lunch first, that guy from Morgan with the mole on his cheek or Pete from Goldman with the new Ferrari.