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Written by Scott Meadow

UNITED STATES - Today local television traffic reporters unanimously noted "clear" or "green" traffic conditions in every metropolitan area around the nation.

Eating a Doordash-ed burrito from Taco Bell, local T.V. personality Jake Jacobs (from award-winning KFAKE news) told IRREVERENT what reporters across the nation have been saying for weeks: "Traffic is terrific, there's no congestion.  Nothing to see here."

Grounded from the KFAKE news chopper for 18 days so far, Jacobs waxed philosophic.  "It's weird being stuck inside like this after spending every morning gliding above it all, watching the traffic, hearing all those honking horns," Jacobs said.  "The silence....  It's strange, terrifying, yet wonderful.  And deafening."

Jacobs, who may have been high, then drifted into a mid-morning nap.

Relaxing in her bathtub, Pam Olive from WBOG agreed. "Yeah, I miss the chopper too," Olive admitted.  "It was fun cruising over all those losers stuck down there, honking in futility.  Plus the pilot was cute.  Wonder if he's on Zoom?"

Olive, who hit her 17th day today in home isolation, also offered her own reflections on her job's changing role.  "Pretty sure they're going to fire me soon," she said.  "There's no traffic to report, and there's only so many internet stories and stupid pet fluff pieces you can file from home before everyone's like 'who cares?'"

Others remain optimistic.  "This will be over one day, and then, oh boy are people gonna hit the highways!" said Frank Franklin from Detroit's KBULL-TV.  "Our jobs as local T.V. traffic guys is gonna be more important than ever.  Just wait until it takes you three hours to drive across town to finally go out to eat, you know, at whatever restaurant is still open.  Then everyone will be tuning in like crazy!  Ratings through the roof!"

Illustrations: screenshot from WISN.com, photo by Artem Labunsky on Unsplash.

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Written by IRNewz

WASHINGTON - Today President Trump ordered bidet manufacturers to "vastly increase production" to combat the nation's increasing "toilet paper apocalypse."

Activated as part of the Defense Production Act, Trump ordered toilet manufacturers American Standard and Kohler to "immediately increase their bidet output... to at least 10,000% more, or something like that."  "I think it's really a very good way to go, I have a great sense about these things, I'm good at this," Trump said at the hastily prepared press conference.  "People are saying toilet paper is really old fashioned.  If you think about it, you'll agree too.  Why bother with it at all?  Personally I haven't, not my whole life, never used it [toilet paper], not once."

At this point Trump Senior Economics Advisor Gerry Felder, standing behind the President, took a large swig from a hip flask and laughed silently.

Health officials were supportive of the move, calling bidets "America's secret weapon... against toilet paper shortages."  "It's a good idea, I'm not sure how appropriate given the financial situation of most Americans, but not the worst idea I've heard today, so far anyway," said Dr. Anthony Fauci of the coronavirus taskforce.

"Once again the President's 100% on this, I have one, it's made all the difference," said Bill Blaisworth, a FOX political analyst.  "I don't know why people just don't buy a bidet instead of complaining endlessly about the t.p. shortages.  Let everyone get a bidet."

Bidet manufacturers were ecstatic with the move.  "Our sales have been pretty much flatlined for years now," admitted Carly Strand, a PR flak for American Standard.  "We certainly aren't prepared for something like this, but we're happy to ramp up production. Until now, a bidet-bailout was about as realistic as virgin-syphilis, we're ****ing elated!"

Wall Street reacted by pushing stock of toilet manufacturers to multi-year highs, only to spray them back to reality on early afternoon profit taking.  "This is the most fun I've ever had during a pandemic," the Street confessed to IRREVERENT.  "I mean this is the most fun and profit I've ever had trading off one guy's crippling mental illness pistol-whipping a national economy."

Illustrations: Derek Rose @ Flickr, screenshot, Erik McClean@Unsplash.

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Written by IRNewz

WASHINGTON - Today President Trump signed the $2 trillion coronavirus relief bill, which promised Americans "10% off their stay" at "select Trump hotels worldwide," among other provisions.

"This is a really, really great deal," Trump said at the signing ceremony.  "I mean 10% off is nothing, nothing to sneeze at, considering that many, many folks don't have that much money these days" Trump added.  "And I'm happy to do it.  Rather the Trump Foundation is happy, extremely happy to do it.  I don't get any part of that either, just doing my part."

The bill also contains other provisions, including direct payments to struggling families, and "other very, very important stuff" according to the President.

Read more: Trump Signs Coronavirus Relief Bill Providing 10% Off Select Trump Hotels