WASHINGTON - Today President Trump ordered bidet manufacturers to "vastly increase production" to combat the nation's increasing "toilet paper apocalypse."
Activated as part of the Defense Production Act, Trump ordered toilet manufacturers American Standard and Kohler to "immediately increase their bidet output... to at least 10,000% more, or something like that." "I think it's really a very good way to go, I have a great sense about these things, I'm good at this," Trump said at the hastily prepared press conference. "People are saying toilet paper is really old fashioned. If you think about it, you'll agree too. Why bother with it at all? Personally I haven't, not my whole life, never used it [toilet paper], not once."
At this point Trump Senior Economics Advisor Gerry Felder, standing behind the President, took a large swig from a hip flask and laughed silently.
Health officials were supportive of the move, calling bidets "America's secret weapon... against toilet paper shortages." "It's a good idea, I'm not sure how appropriate given the financial situation of most Americans, but not the worst idea I've heard today, so far anyway," said Dr. Anthony Fauci of the coronavirus taskforce.
"Once again the President's 100% on this, I have one, it's made all the difference," said Bill Blaisworth, a FOX political analyst. "I don't know why people just don't buy a bidet instead of complaining endlessly about the t.p. shortages. Let everyone get a bidet."
Bidet manufacturers were ecstatic with the move. "Our sales have been pretty much flatlined for years now," admitted Carly Strand, a PR flak for American Standard. "We certainly aren't prepared for something like this, but we're happy to ramp up production. Until now, a bidet-bailout was about as realistic as virgin-syphilis, we're ****ing elated!"
Wall Street reacted by pushing stock of toilet manufacturers to multi-year highs, only to spray them back to reality on early afternoon profit taking. "This is the most fun I've ever had during a pandemic," the Street confessed to IRREVERENT. "I mean this is the most fun and profit I've ever had trading off one guy's crippling mental illness pistol-whipping a national economy."