IRREVERENT News

NEW YORK – Today stocks soared as Washington decided to dump $850 billion into stabilizing the economy, and perhaps even distribute checks for a few hundred dollars to taxpayers, who funded the bailout.

Brad Worthington III, Chief Investment Officer at Phineas-Finch-Marlowe Investments called the move “awesome.”  “Finally the politicians are waking up to how to avert another 1929 here,” said Worthington.  “Without immediate stimulus, I don’t think we could make it another week.”

Worthington, who made $29.5 million in salary and bonuses last year, further called the move, “really, really awesome.”

Patricia “The Terminator” Turner, Global President of Securities Management at Jarvis-Fitzburger Capital Management, who made $109 million in 2019, echoed Worthington’s praise.  “For a few days there we were pretty worried there wasn’t going to be a bailout this time.  Traders were going bonkers here, watching their bonuses flush down the proverbial shitter because of some stupid virus [COVID-19],” said Turner, sniffing and wiping a white powder from her nose.  “This is really awesome!” she added, lighting her cigarette with a crisp $100 bill.

“This is a really, really good thing for the economy,” said President Trump, at the hastily prepared press conference announcing the bailout.  “I feel fine, all of us here feel fine, just great really, but we know that some of you out there aren’t doing so good, so hopefully this will help.”

Wall Street, predictably, was overjoyed with joy.  “I shorted the market and made a ton,” the Street said, wiping a white powder from its nose.  “I go long today and make a ton more.  Then this guy [President Trump] says he’s going to give us another dumptruck full of taxpayer dollars to play with?”  At this point the Street burst into laughter, tears streaming down its face.  “I don’t think I’ve ever had this good of a week!”

Illustrations: Screenshots from "The Wolf of Wall Street," Razvan Chisu via Unsplash