WASHINGTON - This week the U.S. Treasury began sending coronavirus stimulus payments to millions of Americans, until everything completely went to hell.
Some lucky Americans got their check early this week, prompting some to ponder how they were going to spend it. New Yorker Cassie Ramirez was practical. "I'll pay my rent, for a week," Ramirez said, eating a piece of plain toast. "Only need three more weeks to cover and I'm good."
Unemployed fine-dining waiter and part-time male-stripper Jack Strong laughed. "I used to make this in a night. Well I'm homeless."
Meanwhile, Treasury Officials scrambled to understand the millions of "glitches" that prevented an estimated 80 million Americans from receiving anything at all. "Our data is a mess and we had no time to prepare," admitted Bill Billerson, Senior I.T. manager at the IRS. "That with all the changes this guy [the President] kept making, we were lucky to get anything done at all."
"It's a miracle," Jane Janet, Bill's boss added, taking a belt from a hip flask.
At this point Trump Senior Economics Advisor Gerry Felder, who was sitting behind Janet by the fire-escape door, poured another shot of Don Julio tequila (his fifth) and broke out in uproarious laughter. "That's great, just great," Felder added staggering through the fire-escape exit, setting off a building wide alarm.
As estimated 22 million Americans are unemployed as of this week, as a consequence of the COVID-19 infection and widespread business shutdowns.
President Trump today heralded the stimulus as a "total victory for all Americans," as his stimulus program was "executed flawlessly at each and every level" of the federal government. "There has never been a more perfect response to a crises in American history," Trump said during a highly rated press conference, while Vice-President Pence stood behind him sobbing quietly. "I've heard from many, many people how amazing it was to get these checks, life-changing really, and you're welcome. Because this was entirely my idea, I'm really, really good at this. And it was an amazing victory. I see no reason why the country can't open up again stronger than ever."
At this point, Dr. Anthony Fauci threw his prepared remarks over his shoulder and walked out of the press room.
Wall Street burned everything in sight on a coke-fueled morning rampage that only subsided for lunch. Eating some Door-Dashed tacos on the exchange floor, The Street washed it down with some vodka from the bottle. "Here's to you [President Trump]," The Street said, raising his bottle. "The last president of the United States."