WASHINGTON - Today President Trump tweeted at Americans to "chill out" and "this whole corona thing will blow over, like the fat nothing-burger it is" because he doesn't have the virus.
"I talk to doctors, many doctors, all professional medical men, and women, from many, many races and cultures," Trump said at a hastily prepared mid-morning press conference. "And they told me don't bother getting tested [for the coronavirus], it's a waste, they said it, a total waste of my time, and my time is very, very valuable you know, so I haven't. And I feel fine, absolutely fine, never better, so I don't see what all the problem is, I don't have it, believe me, so how bad can it really be?"
Shortly afterward, trading was halted in all major global securities exchanges as investors briskly liquidated positions, tripping circuit breakers. "I've never seen anything like it," said Jim Jamison, Senior Market Analyst with Bucksom-Fuller Securities. "The guy no sooner got 'total waste of my time' out of his mouth and traders all over the world dumped stock like it was infected."
When asked for comment, the Vice-President's Office slammed its door over the sound of grown men opening sobbing.