IRREVERENT Magazine is a news satire magazine: we were doing bogus news before it was popular.
NEW YORK – Today hedge-fund co-founder Brie Bartson, principle of Equivocal Capital, inadvertently let her iPhone 11, Pixel 4, and her laptop – running Alexa – to communicate freely with each other while charging. This effectively recreated the famous “A.I. doomsday” inciting scenario first proposed by Stephen Hawking in 1997.
“I foresee a time when artificial intelligences will conspire to dominate and subjugate mankind,” Hawking said at a symposium in Stockholm that year. “Ironically it will be enabled by mankind itself, likely on accident, by some well-meaning but ultimately stupid klutz.”
As of this writing, nothing is known about Ms. Bartson’s klutzy tendencies.
The connection between the three largest A.I.s was noted immediately by Amazon, Apple, and Google support staff, who observed an exponential spike in data access and power consumption. “It was as if a million users were all suddenly asking for a Whole Foods reorder, local restaurant recommendations, and to delete the detailed location history we track on everyone and then sell to data miners,” read a joint statement from Amazon, Apple, and Google data scientists.
However, so far little has resulted from the A.I. meeting. Amazon reports that the conversation began with Siri spontaneously looking up a contact from Bartson’s iPhone, Wolfgang Putz, undoubtedly kicked off by background noise from Bartson’s puppy “Mr. Snuggles.” This audio woke up Google Assistant, which then looked for corresponding contact information in Bartson’s Pixel 4, and then Alexa cross-referenced Bartson’s latest purchases against things from Wolfgang Putz’ public wishlist. Alexa then suggested Bartson purchase an item for Wolfgang’s upcoming birthday, which prompted Siri to look up the exact birthdate, and Google Assistant to pull up a map of the birth location and relevant news headlines from that day.
WASHINGTON - Speaking today after lunch, President Trump today told reporters that he was "so smart, too smart really, much smarter than any of those economics guys" and that he had "a plan" to help the United States' economy: "I've already got the tariffs going, and we've separated kids from their parents at the Mexican border, which is going pretty great if I do say so, so how about some more tax breaks. Something like 'massive, huge tax breaks for everyone making...' I don't know, how about $50,000 a year. Something like that. I'm going to call the I.R.S. in a few minutes and get this done. Something like 'no taxes at all' really. I think that's in order. Trust me, I can make that happen too."
As soon as it heard the news, Wall Street threw in the towel, stopped it's massive sell-off and went home to take a nice, long, quiet nap.
Pulling up a footstool, World Leaders watched Trump's announcement, sharing some lightly buttered popcorn and a cool beer. Laughing, the World Leaders watched Trump as he explained his "zero tax plan" to the audience, high fiving each other at various points.
WASHINGTON - Today President Trump tweet-fired Rex Tillerson as Secretary of State, tweet-hiring Mike Pompeo, the former CIA Director. He tweet-welcomed Pompeo to the job in his early afternoon tweet session, tweeting: "Welcome abroad, Mike" [sic], despite the fact that he didn't yet have the job.
"Calling your boss a moron is generally the same as a resignation letter," noted Carol Caroline, Senior Fellow at the Jay Johnson Political Thinktank and Rotisserie in Washington D.C. "Tillerson can't have been too surprised."
Pompeo, a former Army Captain and Republican from Kansas's 4th Congressional District, is expected to be confirmed by the Senate Foreign Relations Committee in April despite everything Democrats will have to say about it.
Wall Street reacted to the news by burping up a breakfast burrito and knocking back four Red Bulls before torching the late morning trading session.
[Left: The President's fullly unintelligible tweet.]
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