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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON - Today President Trump tweeted at Americans to "chill out" and "this whole corona thing will blow over, like the fat nothing-burger it is" because he doesn't have the virus.

"I talk to doctors, many doctors, all professional medical men, and women, from many, many races and cultures," Trump said at a hastily prepared mid-morning press conference.  "And they told me don't bother getting tested [for the coronavirus], it's a waste, they said it, a total waste of my time, and my time is very, very valuable you know, so I haven't.  And I feel fine, absolutely fine, never better, so I don't see what all the problem is, I don't have it, believe me, so how bad can it really be?"

Read more: Stocks Plummet After Trump Declares Coronavirus Scare Over Since He Doesn't Have It

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Written by Scott Meadow

NEW YORK – In a hastily prepared press conference today, ABC Senior Meteorologist Rob Marciano told a sympathetic crowd of news reporters that he was “sick and tired” of “always having to report terrible weather… standing outside” when it would be trivially easy to “remain in the studio” while giving his weather forecast.  “It’s pointless,” Marciano added.

The press conference – which took place on the front steps of ABC Studios on West 66^th Street – featured a number of other reporters who, like, Marciano, stood “pointlessly” outside when “presenting news that could easily be done in-studio.”

Read more: Reporters Protest Standing Outside “For No Reason”

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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON - Today we're almost positive President Trump held a press conference, based on the fact that he was standing in front of a podium and a bunch of people were surrounding him.  Plus we heard other reports call it a "press conference" but we're pretty sure they were guessing.

He talked about a lot of things, including broad reflections on active shooters, scumbags in the F.B.I., scumbags in the Democratic Party, scumbags who don't agree with him, pausing occassionally to pile generous praise upon the semi-shocked supporters surrounding him, who were nudged mere moments before so they woke and stood up.

We're not sure what the point of the event actually was.  "I don't know what that was," added Jim Brown, a political correspondent for the Inside Washington Politics news program.  "At one point I think he talked about fly fishing, baseball and maybe hunting or something, but it was too hard to follow in any logical sense."

Read more: We're Pretty Sure Trump Held a Press Conference