WASHINGTON - President Trump today was treated by doctors at the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center for "severe cramping and signing blisters.. in [his red] right hand."
"His hand was inflamed and the President complained that it was both 'achy' and 'tingly,'" said Chief Surgeon Admiral Bill Billington. "We ordered a number of tests, but nothing serious was found beyond inflammation and some blisters. We attributed the trauma simply to 'signing strain,' particularly given how active his signing hand has been the past few weeks."
Before the hastily prepared press conference could continue, however, the President had signed an executive order in the examination room forbidding Billington from revealing any other details of the President's medical condition. Adm. Billington was then detained by the secret service for questioning.
Appearing apparently from nowhere, Kellyanne Conway was quick to characterize the President's condition, without being asked, as "excellent" and a "textbook model.. of human health." Pulled by the ear by Conway, White House spokesman Sean Spicer appeared from the crowd and added, "He is the very model of a modern major President." At this point the press conference degraded into song.
Busy speed-approving President Trump's nominees for his cabinet, Senate Republicans offered no comment on the President's condition, although at least one prominent Democrat did note that "clearly the President is deathly ill with some horrible, communicable disease."
Wall Street sluffed off the President's medical visit entirely, instead focusing on the cute new intern on the trading floor named "Kim" or "Kendra" or something. Wearing a navy blue business suit, the intern looked "23 or 24," and it didn't take long before traders had an impressive bet going on who would ask her to lunch first, that guy from Morgan with the mole on his cheek or Pete from Goldman with the new Ferrari.
CHICAGO - To nobody's surprise, today the scientists behind the symbolic 'doomsday clock' - a representation of how close humanity is to annihilation - moved up 30 seconds to a mere two and a half minutes until "midnight" (extinction).
"We are troubled by many factors," said Dr. Laura Swift, one of the scientists behind the decision. "Both Russia and the United States control 90% of the nuclear weapons in the world and are engaged in several contested areas on the globe, including Syria. In addition, climate change continues to threaten humanity, and little has been done to slow or even stop what are soon to become irreversible global forces that could wipe out billions of human beings in the process. Third, well you guys elected a reality T.V. host who doesn't believe in science and loves nukes to be president." Pausing, and shaking her head, Dr. Swift continued, adding, "Boneheads."
Cracking a whip at a defiant press corps while holding a wooden chair to avoid any sudden attacks, White House spokesman Sean Spicer said, "Scientists? Who cares."
The clock, which was established in 1947 by University of Chicago scientists, some of whom had participated in the Manhattan Project, was adjusted to 3 minutes before midnight in 2015, but began at 7 minutes (11:53) back in 1947.
Wall Street ignored the scientist's move, instead preferring to bask in the very real prospect of huuuuge tax breaks in the 2017 fiscal year. Taking a light trading day, the Street knocked off for the day just after a four martini lunch at that new place in The Beekman Hotel, Colicchio's joint Fowler & Wells.
WASHINGTON – Things were quiet today in the U.S. Senate as no legislative business was scheduled, leaving C-SPAN to play quiet, classical music and staffers to wander around gossiping and drinking coffee. Most fell into one or more hours of Candy Crush.
“Nope nothing to report,” said Senior Legislative Analyst Sean Young, who I bumped into wandering around the chamber. “Nothing on the docket, nothing discussed, no debate, no actual senators showed up or did anything.” Idly tossing his yo-yo toward the floor and pulling it back up, Young continued, “Nope, can’t even find anything mildly interesting on the [congressional] twitter feeds.”
Wall Street reacted in no way to the senate’s lack of activity, instead occupying itself with three hours of Pokémon Go around Manhattan, before stopping for lunch at Yves on Greenwich Street.