FLORIDA - Today President Trump announced that he did, indeed have "a bunch" of "additional, extremely timely and needed pardons" queued up and ready to go "whenever the next major disaster hits."
"We have many, many more pardons to come," Trump told the press from his solid gold podium at Mar a Lago. "Many, many more, so many people that Obama just refused to pardon, because he was a jerk, pardon my French, a real jerk if I'm being honest. So I'm going to do it, because it's the right thing to do. They're all ready to go, we just need to have the right forum, you know, for maxium impact. These need big, huge ratings, so keep an eye out during the next hurricane or tornado or something, maybe a missile launch, who knows. We'll do it then because that's when everyone's watching television, believe me I know T.V. and that's the best way to do these things, trust me."
A stunned press corp had little to say afterward.
Trump meanwhile has announced he would "fly around" the devestated areas in Texas and "take a couple of pictures," adding he wanted "to show people how grateful" he was "for voting for me in the election," adding that he "won Texas by two or three landslides." In fact the President won Texas with 52.2% of the vote.
Again stunned, the assembled press couldn't think of a followup.
Trump concluded with some harsh words for North Korean leader Kim Jong-un, saying, "if that guy [Kim Jong-un] wants to try to bomb anything else, say any sort of U.S. terrority or something like that, just let me say this: you don't have the balls. You don't. And I mean that. I've got a whole fistful of pardons here too, just waiting, I dare you!"
WASHINGTON – Today the House of Representatives began debate on the Simple Market Insurance LifeCare Act (SMILE), the landmark legislation designed to succeed the Affordable Care Act, nicknamed “Obamacare.”
“We are happy to announce we have a successor to ‘Obamacare,’” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin) said on the House floor this morning. “It's called SMILE, although we’ve just been calling it ‘Trumpcare’ for short, even though that's slightly longer. It’s the most realistic and comprehensive plan so far in the healthcare industry, one that takes every situation into account in a market driven way, with almost no overhead, no administrative costs, and no ability to defraud the system. It finally stops the government takeover of healthcare in America.”
Following Ryan, a number of Republican leaders came forward to explain the bill to the members, including Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy. “What SMILE proposes is simple: those currently on Obamacare will move to Trumpcare. Here you can go to whatever doctor you want, there are no limits, no complicated lists or restrictions to follow, and receive the absolutely best quality of care you can afford, regardless of age, race, or anything else. At the end, you receive a bill for services, which you then pay to the hospital, doctor, or other specialist. The bill goes directly to you, no middlemen, no one else involved in your business. No complicated deduction systems, no negotiated pricing structure, nothing to manipulate or defraud. It’s straight-forward and much, much less complicated than Obamacare is today, with virtually no government administrative overhead, compared to the 22% overhead with Obamacare. And everyone can get care, all the care they can afford, and much, much more.”
HOUSTON – Today NASA spokesman Jim Jameson told reporters, during a hastily prepared press conference, that “the math… was much, much harder than we theorized” as he discussed the latest of seven satellite explosions, costing nearly $3.1 billion.
“Over the past 18 months, we’ve completely reengineered our processes, including adding an entire service virtualization layer for systems testing,” Jameson continued. “We’ve worked very hard on creating a cultural paradigm shift in the way that engineers interact with QA folks, management, and technicians of every level. Our consultants have been working with award-winning, best of breed tools, and are top people in process engineering and change management. As it turns out, perhaps, we weren’t as focused on the math as may have been warranted.”
“In retrospect,” added NASA PR flack Dale Dennis, “the agency’s  PR campaign, ‘It’s Not Rocket Science!’ may have been ill advised.” After a moment of contemplation, he added, “Although I thought it was a great idea.”
In retrospect the agency’s PR campaign, ‘It’s Not Rocket Science!’ may have been ill advised.Some outside NASA agree. “NASA’s been hobbled ever since the consultants starting ‘improving’ things over there,” noted Jill Gillington, senior researcher at Framus-Whickhouse-Bradbury, a think-tank specializing in technology policy. “There’s a group of fast talking, highly articulate, Ivy-league bullshitters in leadership now. They’ve got everyone so busy doing thought-experiments with the latest management theory, that nobody’s crunching the numbers.”
“You can’t make an omelet without blowing up a few eggs, hopefully over a sparsely populated area,” said Congressman Bill Williamson (R-Oklahoma), junior member of the House Appropriations Committee, and architect of HR-9712 the so-called “NASA Reinvention Act.” “Look, the goal of [HR-9712] was to bring [NASA] into the 21st Century of management innovation, rather than some stuffy old sewer filled with eggheads, slide rulers, and pocket protectors. How can you attract top talent with a horrible public image? We changed that, and not a moment too soon.”
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