WASHINGTON - Today President Trump signed more executive orders, including a withdrawal from the Pacific trade deal supported by President Obama, with his EEG pattern. "We don't know why," said Senior White House Reporter Steve Stanley.
"This is completely consistent with President Trump's open door policy of complete transparency," said White House spokesman Sean Spicer after hosing the down the rabid White House press corp with a high powered water cannon. "He's literally telling you what's on his mind via his EEG [electroencephalography or brain pattern]."
Speaking on the condition that we mention her name "prominently," White House counselor Kellyanne Conway called all media coverage of the president's EEG signature "wildly inaccurate" and without the "correct facts, the facts that we alone possess." (This was prior to the publication of this article, the only one mentioning it.)
Dr. Ben Carson, an accomplished neurosurgeon, nominee and obvious pick for Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, confirmed that the presidential EEG signature "closely correlated" to a typical "Theta wave pattern of the President." Dr. Carson couldn't speculate as to why the president signed the executive orders with his Theta pattern wave, but he was "sure" the president "didn't know either." After a quick nap, Dr. Carson went on to thank us for asking him a question "in his field for once," and then asked us "which way is the Congress." We pointed to the Capitol rotunda in the distance and he seemed happy with that.
Wall Street shrugged off the president's odd behavior, sending pharma stocks soaring on "a potential surge in sleep disorder drugs" before plummeting when everyone remembered it was Monday and they were too tired for a rally.
WASHINGTON - Shortly after tweeting his oath of office, President Trump signed his first executive order to "vastly increase" the nation's message couriers, from approximately 9 currently to "many millions" by 2018.
Funding for the additional couriers, estimated at "not too much" will be paid for by an "excessive email tariff" that "will probably be paid for .... by the Chinese, I don't know, we'll see," the Executive Order read.
When not asked at all for a comment, the President tweeted: "This is a great day for America. Never trust email.ONLY send things by hand! Ask DNC!"
Speaking later, House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin) called the initiative "interesting" noting that it was also "consistent."
Wall Street used the news to savagely beat tech stocks, already wary and afraid, into a bloody pulp in swift morning trading. Halting only to sop up the blood from its barbed wire-wrapped bat, The Street smiled and looked over the rest of the stocks, playing a game of "eeny, meeny, miny, moe" before choosing Yahoo to be next.
"TRUMP MEGA-AWESOME PRESIDENTIAL MEGA-TOWER," NEW YORK - President-elect Trump today announced additional appointments to his cabinet, following a brief $1,000/ticket raffle held among the nation's GOP elite and supporters. "First, and this is the truth, I'm incredibly grateful for all of you showing me your support now that I've already won, you spineless losers," President-elect Trump said to the crowd. "Not that I'm going to be vindictive or anything like that, no I won't. But thank you too for spending a thousand dollars a ticket to be part of my adminstration, yes, get that right MY ADMINISTRATION, that horrible thing that you couldn't even stand to say in public a few short weeks ago. SAD!"
Here's what we know so far:
Vice President of the United States - Mike "Tuppence" Pence
Department of State - Machiavelli
Department of the Treasury - One of Trump's children ("whoever")
Department of Defense - Negan
Department of Justice - Omarosa (COME BACK!)
Department of the Interior - "Get rid of it!"
Department of Agriculture - TBD
Department of Commerce - Another one of Trump's children ("whoever's left")
Department of Labor - Kim Kardashian
Department of Health and Human Services - Carrot Top
Department of Housing and Urban Development - TBD
Department of Transportation - Kelsey Grammer
Department of Energy - TBD
Department of Education - TBD
Department of Veterans Affairs - TBD
Department of Homeland Security - TBD