WASHINGTON - Today we're almost positive President Trump held a press conference, based on the fact that he was standing in front of a podium and a bunch of people were surrounding him. Plus we heard other reports call it a "press conference" but we're pretty sure they were guessing.
He talked about a lot of things, including broad reflections on active shooters, scumbags in the F.B.I., scumbags in the Democratic Party, scumbags who don't agree with him, pausing occassionally to pile generous praise upon the semi-shocked supporters surrounding him, who were nudged mere moments before so they woke and stood up.
We're not sure what the point of the event actually was. "I don't know what that was," added Jim Brown, a political correspondent for the Inside Washington Politics news program. "At one point I think he talked about fly fishing, baseball and maybe hunting or something, but it was too hard to follow in any logical sense."
"You just have to lay back and let the machine gun bullets of his non-sequiturs wash over you like a warm bath," added a mellow Dr. Catherine von Ames, professor of political science at Harvard University. "It's actually hypnotic, and I mean we actually tested this. Play any 10 minutes from a Trump speech to someone and at the same time suggest that they're a chicken, and within seconds they're clucking."
Wall Street ignored this whole thing, instead focusing on profit taking at, during, and after the televised remarks. "Just showing this guy on T.V. is good for a 50 point swing in either direction," said The Street. "I watch for about 30 seconds and it's pretty clear whether to short or not. His unique ability to inspire fear or exhilaration, depending on the situation is... I've never seen anything like it."