WASHINGTON - The FBI today unveiled the results of its five year, $22 million study into early twentieth century criminals, concluding that "by and large, criminals of yesteryear were far more dapper than today."
"Criminals just don't try as hard anymore," said FBI spokesman and lead researcher Ivan Burlinski. "Back in the day, even hardened psychopaths and degenerates bothered to put on a smart fedora or ascot. They really made an effort and it showed in their mugshots."
Criminologists like Harvard's Charles Milles Manson Chair of Criminal Psychology Jennifer Ruebel were quick to agree. "I couldn't agree more," Ruebel agreed. "By and large, the criminal element of our great-grandfathers were not only more dapper and sporting than today, but substantially more dignified by twenty-first century standards. For instance, it's hard to imagine Lucky Luciano laughing uproariously at a woman violently defecating into a bathroom sink, as in say 'Bridesmaids.' I'd venture even the well seasoned killer of hundreds would choke back some vomit at that sight."
The FBI study - which examined over 2,500 criminal FBI files from the early twentieth century up to 1952 - was one of a dozen programs instituted by the bureau to build an "in depth" profile of modern criminal behavior by a "thoughtful examination of past fashion choices and trends" despite how "irrelevant" such a comparison would likely prove.
"We strongly believe that the work we've done here will help criminologists today and far in to the future," Burlinski said at today's press conference. "We're not sure entirely how, but we're convinced the science of criminal fashion profiling to be a field ready to take off."
(ARCHIVE) NEW MEXICO - Speaking today presidential hopeful and billionaire Donald Trump today announced his "unfettered support" for "extraterrestrial abductions," and invited alien beings "not of this earth" to do "whatever they wished" with earthlings, particularly "Mexicans."
"I think, like many of you, that aliens exist, they're here and I want nothing more than to fully welcome them with open arms," Trump said at the hastily prepared press conference. "They can abduct all the Mexicans they want to."
Taking a brief pause, Trump clarified his statement. "I don't want anyone to be confused either, I do not dislike Mexican-Americans or the Mexican people themselves, far from it. I hope latino voters are listening here too: I am not the 'racist' I've been called in the popular press. All I said was that the Mexican government is smart, very smart, by exporting their drug dealers, rapists and criminals into our country. That's all I said. Didn't anybody see 'Scarface'?"
"He was Cuban," an unidentified reporter shouted. "And Al Pacino is Italian," another reporter added.
"Look whatever," Trump shouted.
"Look he's rig...," a nearby Ann Coulter started.
"Don't fucking help me, Ann," Trump interjected.
Closed on Saturday, Wall Street barely reacted at all to Trump's statement of extraterrestrial support, his unhelpful "backtracking" to the weeks' comic blunders, nor Ann Coulter. Instead, the Street's personal valet mixed up a huge carafe of extra dry Martinis and continued with the Street's mani-pedi, pausing only briefly to switch channels between 'American Greed' and Wimbledon coverage.
WASHINGTON - With a little over 72 weeks left in the 2016 presidential race, billionaire Donald Trump today joined the field of joke candidates intent on supplying titillation, bemusement and distraction for all.
"Today I announce my candidacy for the presidency of the United States of America," Trump said in front of an American flag. "As in the past, I will run on a platform of self-interest blinded by ego and driven by delusions of grandeur. Any questions?"
Porn star and Republican candidate Dick Steele echoed The Donald's announcement during his own hastily prepared press event. "I, too will be seeking the nomination of the Republican party for the 2016 presidential race," said Steele. "As a lifetime NRA member and libertarian, I will run on a platform of strong family values, personal integrity and the inalienable right of any well-endowed man to bang hot chicks for a living."