IRREVERENT News

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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON – Things were quiet today in the U.S. Senate as no legislative business was scheduled, leaving C-SPAN to play quiet, classical music and staffers to wander around gossiping and drinking coffee. Most fell into one or more hours of Candy Crush.

“Nope nothing to report,” said Senior Legislative Analyst Sean Young, who I bumped into wandering around the chamber. “Nothing on the docket, nothing discussed, no debate, no actual senators showed up or did anything.” Idly tossing his yo-yo toward the floor and pulling it back up, Young continued, “Nope, can’t even find anything mildly interesting on the [congressional] twitter feeds.”

Wall Street reacted in no way to the senate’s lack of activity, instead occupying itself with three hours of Pokémon Go around Manhattan, before stopping for lunch at Yves on Greenwich Street.

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Written by Scott Meadow

TOKYO - A draft of a government report today suggested that it would be possible for the aging Emperor Akihito to "abdicate" his throne and retire, something which has not happened in 200 years in Japan.

The aging Akihito, son of Hirohito, has been emperor since 1989 following his father.  Now in his eighties, the aging ruler desperately asked to "please be allowed to rest" in a recent televised address.  "I am very old now, and just want to retire," Akihito said, pleading.  "This is really a ceremonial position anyway, but the scrutiny is incredible.  I do not want to be filmed falling down or drooling or some such.  Please, please let me rest, I'm tired and desire soup."

Debate in the National Diet was, as usual, low-key.  Liberal Democratic leader Hidehisa Otsuji was overheard whispering to other leaders that "this would be a terrible precedent," while others bowed and whispered back, "he is old, and just wants soup, let the man be."

The Japanese public, meanwhile, has been generally sympathetic.  "The Emperor is a great man and beloved by everyone," said typical Japanese businesswoman Mura Hikito, whom we stopped on the street in Tokyo.  "He is also an older man who wants to enjoy retirement and simply enjoy his soup.  I say he is entitled."

"Yes, why not," agreed businessman Hiro Mikomoti, bowing profusely and handing me his business card.  "He desires soup and is substantially aged.  I would want the same at his age."

The Tokyo Stock Exchanged opened mixed this morning, following the Emperor's address last night, with soup and food retailers rising but high-tech issues taking a severe beating.  By the late morning, the tide had reversed as profit-taking smacked around soup issues, leaving high-tech conglomerates to take a victory lap after a strong rebound.

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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON - Today President Trump signed more executive orders, including a withdrawal from the Pacific trade deal supported by President Obama, with his EEG pattern.  "We don't know why," said Senior White House Reporter Steve Stanley.

"This is completely consistent with President Trump's open door policy of complete transparency," said White House spokesman Sean Spicer after hosing the down the rabid White House press corp with a high powered water cannon.  "He's literally telling you what's on his mind via his EEG [electroencephalography or brain pattern]."

Speaking on the condition that we mention her name "prominently," White House counselor Kellyanne Conway called all media coverage of the president's EEG signature "wildly inaccurate" and without the "correct facts, the facts that we alone possess."  (This was prior to the publication of this article, the only one mentioning it.)

Dr. Ben Carson, an accomplished neurosurgeon, nominee and obvious pick for Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, confirmed that the presidential EEG signature "closely correlated" to a typical "Theta wave pattern of the President."  Dr. Carson couldn't speculate as to why the president signed the executive orders with his Theta pattern wave, but he was "sure" the president "didn't know either."  After a quick nap, Dr. Carson went on to thank us for asking him a question "in his field for once," and then asked us "which way is the Congress."  We pointed to the Capitol rotunda in the distance and he seemed happy with that.

Wall Street shrugged off the president's odd behavior, sending pharma stocks soaring on "a potential surge in sleep disorder drugs" before plummeting when everyone remembered it was Monday and they were too tired for a rally.