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LONDON – An international group of scientists today at the Biannual Consolidated Research Conference announced, during the keynote speech, that a whopping “78.63% of all scientific research published… is totally depressing.”

Unfortunately the budget for cute science is negligible.“It is a sad fact, literally, that so much of our hard work winds up telling a horrifically depressing, yet highly accurate tale,” said Dr. Neils Brannigan, the conference’s head organizer. “Yet there are many other, non-depressing things too that we, as scientists, also study.”

WASHINGTON - Despite poor weather conditions in many states, today's Super Tuesday primaries have once again proven that absolutely nobody knows what in the hell the average American voter is thinking.

With Trump currently projected to win in at least 7 states and many GOP insiders seriously contemplating suicide, Hilary Clinton is likewise expected to beat Bernie Sanders in a showing that nobody without easy access to legalized marijuana seriously questioned.

As if to quell the GOP establishment, Trump was typically diplomatic.  "I don't give a damn what any of those idiots think of me," Trump screamed at supporters.  "When you've got 'em by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow!"

Clinton, meanwhile, spent much of the evening secretly drinking heavily as she contemplated the prospect of facing the billionaire casino owner and reality T.V. star in an actual general election.

Bernie Sanders, in true form, celebrated something.

"Not only is this one of the most interesting election cycles in recent history, it has to be, and I'll check this, one of the stupidest exhibitions of American political frustration and apathy in a generation," noted Harvard professor of politics Jude Landlawson. "This is a tsunami of indifference mashing violently against an increasingly disenfranchised and powerless voting bloc; one that is finally able to express every latent bias and horrible prejudice that would otherwise get them chastised by a modern society that has left them behind.  In short, [Trump] has become a pressure valve for the bigoted, a sort of relief valve for the undereducated and unsophisticated.  And they're exercising the one thing they've got left: their vote."

HOLLYWOOD – Today, Academy Award winner Leonardo DiCaprio announced that he would like to dedicate his win “to the plight of lions, tigers and bears… worldwide.”

Actor Leonardo DiCaprio“I have always had a great affinity to animals,” DiCaprio explained during the hastily prepared press conference today.  “This goes beyond that.  I want to raise awareness, particularly among our fellow animal performers, without who the likes of ‘We Bought a Zoo,’ and ‘Kung Fu Panda’ would be meaningless.”

When a reporter corrected DiCaprio, noting “Kung Fu Panda” was an animated film, the actor abruptly ended the interview.

DiCaprio, who became the public face of the “anti-prairie oyster” movement in 2014, has long shown an interest in the well-being of animal performers working in the Hollywood system.   Starting with his friendship with the animal wrangler on 2002’s “Gangs of New York,” DiCaprio began speaking publically shortly afterward about the “horrible, long hours” spent by animals involved in a major film production.

“The lights are hot and the hours long and tedious,” DiCaprio said in a 2003 interview with “Amazing Animalist” magazine.  “They literally get paid peanuts and it’s a terrible lens through which to see our industry, one that has since its inception been dedicated to speaking out against injustice and advocating for fairness.  Well at least sort of recently anyway.”

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