PHILADELPHIA - The city today was abuzz with preparations for tomorrow's Democratic National Convention, an event that many expect to have much better drinks than the recently ended Republican National Convention.
Interrupted in her office hurriedly deleting emails, Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz immediately defended herself without being attacked, saying, "No, I won't resign over what those hackers stole from us and then posted online." Furiously deleting more emails, she continued saying, "We will not let these spurious allegations, taken totally out of context, using our own words, to derail what should be a slam-dunk following that madman's [GOP candidate Donald Trump's] ridiculous tirades. It's like we're actually trying to shoot ourselves in the foot," she added with a faraway look in her eyes, before deleting her entire email account, pouring water over her laptop and firing the DNC's remaining IT guy 'Chuck.' Nobody remembers his last name.
Meanwhile, preparations throughout the Wells Fargo Center and Vegan Martini Bar are moving to accommodate the tens of thousands of thirsty caucasers, mixologists, and sommeliers. "I have a selection of fantastic drinks this year, including what we're just calling The Bern - basically vodka, V8, six dashes of Sriracha, lime juice and Worcestershire. Helluva Bern!" said senior DNC mixologist Danny Colins. "Of course for The Hillary we have a great little southern twist, served in a mason jar - bourbon, ginger liqueur, lemon juice, syrup and bitters garnished with a mint spring and orange slice. Fantastic way to beat the heat and the GOP!"
Monday's prime time speakers include Senator Bernie Sanders and FLOTUS Michelle Obama, who are expecting to draw in heavy viewers and inspire even heavier cocktail consumption among the fired-up Democratic crowd.