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Written by Scott Meadow

INVERNESS, SCOTLAND - Today six researchers, who refer to themselves as "crypto-zoologists," declared their "eighteen month investigation to uncover the Loch Ness monster over" and their results "astonishing."  "Although we did not discover any sort of creature, we did fully utilize all our funding, AND produce a great rendering of what the monster might look like," read a statement released by the team.

The researchers, led by self-proclaimed "rogue scholar" Ian Campbell, raised nearly one million British pounds to explore the lake and "render the definitive verdict" on the so-called monster.  "We figured this time we had a good chance of success," said Campbell.  "We wanted to use artificial intelligence to help pin-point the monster's likely locations, but we couldn't figure out how to do that." 

Instead, the team -- in their chartered boat "Tubaist II" -- patrolled the loch "semi-randomly" using sonar equipment on a "near directionless" search for any sort of "large aquatic organism."

"It turned out quite a bit more difficult to cover the area than we'd anticipated," said Campbell.  "We did, however, have a lovely time out on the water: it is quite beautiful."

Read more: Largest Loch Ness Investigation Ends, Produces Cool Artist Interpretation of Monster