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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON - Today Speaker of the House Mike Johnson (maybe John Mikeson?) announced that his new legislative strategy would "wildly differ" from his predecessor in that he intended to "deny President Biden's agenda" and "ignore Democratic bills."

"Unlike my predecessor, who consistently thwarted Democratic initiatives while frustrating President Biden," explained Johnson, "I, instead, intend to ignore those bills, while actively working to deny anything the President wishes to accomplish."

Fellow Republicans have embraced the radically new agenda.  "This is so completely different than before, it's almost enough to make us all forget how irrelevant and meaningless we are since Trump hijacked the party and aligned us with Russia," said one senior Republican member, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being insulted by right-wing media.  "Man have we done an about-face since McCarthyism."

Democrats, meanwhile, having been exhausted by pointing out such glaring inconsistencies, simply ignored the change in leadership.  "Whatever," said one senior Democrat, who we didn't recognize nor did she tell us who she was.

Wall Street reacted predictably, rewarding defense stocks and punishing all others, before knocking off early for the weekend.  "Whatever," snorted the Street, doing a few quick lines of coke before speeding off in its McLaren 720S for the Hamptons.