The internet is littered with successful corporate psychopaths with great teeth and substantial jawlines oozing to tell you how to succeed in business for only a modest non-refundable fee. You've seen their infomercials, you've probably bought their books, CDs and DVDs, and, if you're like me, you've got a neat stack of all this crap up in the attic someplace creating great nesting for various mice. Needless to say, it's mostly worthless garbage.
But wait, there's more! Keep reading and we shall reveal to you (without the nonrefundable fee) the TOP 5 SUREFIRE WAYS TO MOVE AHEAD AT WORK, guaranteed!1
Assembled graduates, friends, regents, wealthy donors, far poorer parents, hangers-on, dilettantes, dim-wits, and of course Chancellor Faraday, it is my highly compensated pleasure to welcome you to today's graduation ceremony for the Class of 2015. It has been three years since I've had the pleasure of addressing the student body here at Yalvard.
Many things rush to your mind when asked to give a commencement address. "How large is my fee?" for example. Will I sound like Steve Jobs or Bob Dylan? How do I adequately express my resentment of over-privileged youth while still jamming some hard won life lessons down the gullet of a grotesquely debauched and hung-over crowd?
The answer is you can't. Like Bob De Niro recently reminded another groups of graduates, "You're fucked."
As to the other answers, well let's just say my fee has already financed a debauched week of my own in the south of France and had enough left over to settle the mortgage on my villa in St. Lucia. But I digress. Let's return to you.
You were born in or about 1993, a year that brought us "Sleepless in Seattle," caused Haddaway to ponder "What is love?" and saw the debut of one of history's greatest television shows "The X-Files." You were just babies, but I had recently graduated from college myself, which is merely one of the deeply depressing realizations I had while penning this masterpiece.
This week I read that RadioShack's stock price fell to less than $1 a share on the New York Stock Exchange. Really? I mean, I was amazed. RadioShack still has trading stock? They must be doing better than I thought.
I remember going into RadioShack as a kid, and it was pretty awesome. I was always a bit of a geek, and back then they were the only place you get a handful of transistors without a clerk looking at you like you were holding Cracker Jacks from Mars. It was a safe place for geeks.
And they had a great selection of rocket engines, crystal radio kits, breadboards, and soldering equipment. If you wanted any sort of unapologetic geeky electronics thing -- stuff like those guys in "Halt and Catch Fire" are always playing around with -- RadioShack was home. You could build a working computer just using the stuff the janitor swept up at the end of the day. It was THAT awesome!
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