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Category: The Editor's Mess

I mean seriously, this weather is out of control!  It's so bad here that police are taking 10 minutes or more to respond to a school shooting what with the pouring rain and tornados.  Talk about crazy huh?

Seriously what's with the weather!Even when it's sunny out, it's like 900 degrees with 4,000% humidity!  Yeah I'm pretty sure that's physically impossible, but definitely what it feels like, especially when you're naked and surrounded by hot lights and teamsters. But that's another story.

And I hate this time of year too!  It used to be that when school's out, it meant it was time to get a summer job, drink too much beer and hit on co-workers.  These days my stupid boss says I can't work at Staples anymore, since I'm technically the "Regional Sales Manager for OfficeMax" (whatever!) and my wife just gets mad if I hit on Julie in copy paper anyway.  So now all I have is a house-full of unemployed children and plenty of beer.  No way I'm doing this sober.

Seriously, what's with this weather? I wish there were more summer sports too.  I like baseball, but I think all sports should be summer sports or, better yet, year round!  I'd love to see the Brewers play in eight inches of snow and watch the Packers pass out from heat exhaustion in 103 degree heat.  Now we're putting the fun back in sports!  How can you know you're REALLY alive until you've played the Master's golf tournament in -38 wind chills being pelted with blowing snow?  Makes my nipples stiff just thinking about it.

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Category: Special Features
I’m 63 and I’ve discovered I have a zit. Imagine, at my age. This is a throwback to my high school days. Perhaps I’m was trying to relive my youth through the raising up of enough grease inside my skin to achieve one last zit.
 
So Says SammonIt’s a whopper of fair size too. You’d think I wasn’t capable of it. You see, when you’re young, you’re pretty greasy, sort of like a new car all lubricated and ready to go out and race through life in a body that just like that in a car has never been left out in the outside air to start drying out. If you’re a pimply kid, your skin is almost dripping with ooze in addition to tons of sperm from your reproductive organ.
 
Talk about sperm.
 
You could look at somebody practically if you’re a 14-year-old boy and make them pregnant. I ran out of sperm a long time ago but that doesn’t stop me from trying to raise it. Oh, we’re talking about sperm here and I’m getting off the subject of having a zit.
 
Come to think of it, generating sperm and expending it and popping a luscious zit are almost the same kind of experience. They both feel so good. Pressure is applied in both cases and there is a sudden release of power, followed by a rush of disgusting bodily fluid. In fact, sperm and puss from a zit look pretty much the same although pus is a bit more yellowish in color.

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Category: The Editor's Mess

'Twas the day before Xmas Vacation, and all through the office, not a worker was stirring not even Paul The Snitch (right).'Twas the day before Xmas Vacation, and all through the office,
not a worker was stirring not even Paul The Snitch. 
The desks were all cleaned, per the new corporate memo,
in the hopes that Auditors would not make you a demo.

The workers were nestled all snug in their cubes,
While visions of Walking Dead played on their smartphones.
And Donna, the office manager, and I in my hoody,
Had just finished discussing the spirit of casual Friday.

When out in the mail room there arose such a clatter;
I sprang from my cube to see what was the matter:
Away to the noise I flew like a flash,
Tore open my mail and threw away the envelope.

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  1. Catching Up With Jesse Ventura's "Conspiracy Theory" Season 3
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