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So Says SammonIt depends on who you ask. Like the Bible, it can be interpreted in different ways. Whether something constitutes a date while holding a phone receiver depends on what you consider to be sex, a date, and most importantly, what you’re doing with your other hand while you’re holding the phone.

If you actually physically lick the phone receiver with your tongue as the party on the other line makes groaning noises or uses disgusting language, I would say that qualifies as an official date. Like the outcome of any successful date performed in person, you’re both engaging in the kind of behavior that is deliciously fun and of which your mother would definitely not approve.

That’s why it’s so fun.

It’s officially a date if just before having phone sex you say to your partner, “here are some flowers at the door. Now we’re going out in my car. Now we’re at the restaurant. Dinner was great. I’m telling charming, witty, funny jokes. Now we’re at a movie. We just went to a bar for a drink. Now we’re going up to your room. The clothes are off.”

June 7, 2011. Meadow's Alma Mater, Ravenswood, Connecticut

Yalvard commencement address.  Womans picture, Flickr/jameskm03.Thank you, Chancellor Banks, and may I say you have an even lovelier posterior in the daylight. Dean McDonald, regents, faculty, dear students, and friends, including new friends from last night. I have the check right here for the damages Delta Phi Gamma, stop by my hotel room later as agreed.

Commencement. WikiPedia calls commencement "the ceremony at which students receive academic degrees." It's also the name of an album by the rock band "Deadsy," it turns out, which proves, once again why I love the Internet. Never before have so many been able to be sidetracked so easily. Still, Groupon made me a fortune so who's complaining.

[inset pos=left]Now you can Tweet your junk everywhere and it's perfectly legal.[/inset]Commencement. It's a time of transition, to be sure. Transition is also an operation of a finite-state machine, in case you were wondering. But in this case, we're talking about a transition from one reality to another. A reality in which you are surrounded by your peers, many of whom are holding and are chronic insomniacs; a reality in which powerfully fun drugs are a campus call away, as I confirmed myself only last night. Jesse, you have a future in logistics, and I'm a man of my word. I'm calling Fred Smith over at FedEx as soon as I leave here, I hope you can start Monday.

The rest of you, however, won't be nearly as lucky as Jesse. I remember graduating from Yalvard myself, too many years ago now, smack into one of the worst job markets in a decade. It was a tough, tough ride. But that was nothing compared to what you're about to face, thank god for that. You guys are pretty screwed.

Yet, there is hope. When I graduated, the prospect of tweeting your junk to coeds across the country was an unthinkable reality. The Internet and Twitter had yet to evolve. If you wanted to send lewd pix of yourself to anonymous coeds, you had very few options. Sure you could mail them, but that made it a federal crime. Now you can Tweet your junk everywhere and it's perfectly legal. Yes, you'll lose your job, but nothing associated with your junk is free, trust me on that.

IRREVERENT goes to Washington D.C. to cover the state dinner for visiting Chinese President Hu Jintao, hosted by President Obama.

[Celebrity voices are impersonated.  People, products or services mentioned in the podcast are not inteded to imply an endorsement of IRREVERENT nor any other product or service unless otherwise stated.]

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