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Written by John Sammon

Category: Special Features

John Sammon, longtime IRREVERENT pal, shares with us installments from his (as of yet) unproduced sitcom. Think "Fawlty Towers" meets "Caddyshack." -S.M.

Lance is a golf pro who runs a golf course and has a short temper. Manelito is a Spaniard who works as a golf attendant
at minimum wage and knows more English than he lets on to keep Lance off balance and to fool him.

Today a group of visiting golfers from India are going to play. Golf carts are lined up.

FADE IN:

INT. ELITE MANOR ACRES GOLF COURSE PRO SHOP – DAY

LANCE
Where is Manelito?

STAFFER
I don’t know.

LANCE
Go find him.

Staffer hurries off.

LANCE
The lazy good for nothing bastard,
I’d fire him if I could. But no,
bags-under-the eyes Johnson the big
executive in the big office hired
him and likes the bastard for some
reason. The dunce doesn’t even speak
English. If I’m lucky maybe Manelito
will get deported.

Manelito appears.

LANCE
Did you park the golf carts outside
that way?

MANELITO
Si.

LANCE
I told you to park them from left to
right with the cart that starts on
hole one on the left.

MANELITO
Si.

LANCE
Why aren’t they parked that way?

MANELITO
(points to himself in
mock puzzlement)
No, right?

LANCE
Don’t act stupid with me. You parked
the carts in the wrong order. The
two golfers who start on hole one,
their cart should be over there. The
two golfers who start on hole two,
their cart should be parked next to
that one, and so on. You got it ass-
backwards. Don’t you know your left
from your right?

MANELITO
Si I know.

LANCE
(sneering)
You don’t know?

MANELITO
(English subtitles,
means yes blowhard)
Si duro.

LANCE
What? Speak English.

MANELITO
Senor?

LANCE
What are you going to do about it?

MANELITO
Me park da carts better.

LANCE
You bet you will or I’ll run your
ass right out of here understand?

MANELITO
(English subtitle,
means nitwit)
Simplon!

LANCE
What?

MANELITO
Pardon.

LANCE
Pardon what?

MANELITO
Pardon.

LANCE
(yelling)
Pardon I heard that do you have to
repeat it?

MANELITO
Si.

LANCE
I think you’re an idiot that’s what
I think.

MANELITO
(English subtitles
means, not me, you)
No yo, tu.

LANCE
What did you say?

MANELITO
What is?

LANCE
What?

MANELITO
(means, maybe)
Quizas!

LANCE
Are you calling me a kiss-ass?

MANELITO
No senor. Por favor!

LANCE
One word from me and you’re toast.
Get over there and check those carts.

MANELITO
(English subtitles,
means crap eater)
Comedor de basura!

LANCE
Do the job I told you to.

MANELITO
Si.

EXT. GOLF CART STAGING AREA – DAY

An Indian golfer notices his name is not on a small paper
placard on a cart, removes it, and with a pen crosses out
the name of a golfer who had to cancel and couldn’t attend
the tournament. With a pen he writes his own name on the
placard and leaves. Lance comes and notices the pen-written
name.

LANCE
(shouting)
Manelito!

Manelito comes running.

LANCE
What is this?

MANELITO
What?

LANCE
(shows him the paper)
That!

MANELITO
A piece of paper senior.

LANCE
(cruelly mimics)
A…piece…of….paper.

MANELITO
Si senor!

LANCE
Did you do this?

MANELITO
What senor?

LANCE
Write on the goddamn paper!

MANELITO
No senor.

LANCE
Then who did?

MANELITO
Me no know senor.

LANCE
You no know?

MANELITO
No senor.

LANCE
Why don’t you know?

MANELITO
Si no know.

LANCE
You mean you don’t know who wrote
this?

MANELITO
No senor.

LANCE
(holds up paper)
Does this look professional?

MANELITO
(puzzled)
Pro-fesh-ill?

LANCE
(yells)
Professional!

MANELITO
Oh boy!

Manelito shakes his head.

Lance angrily pulls the paper taught with his hands bringing
it right next to Manelito’s face.

LANCE
This writing says Achmed Muhhamed
Chubasi. Did you write this to play
a trick on me?

MANELITO
Who me senor?

LANCE
You’re Manelito.

MANELITO
Yes who me?

LANCE
Yes you!

MANELITO
No senor.

LANCE
Get out of here.

Manelito turns to leave. Lance grabs his arm.

LANCE
No get out of here. I meant you’re
lying.

INT. PRO SHOP – DAY

Mr. Goldbrick one of the members of the golf club equates
money with personal worth and if you don’t have a lot of
money you’re not worth anything, according to Goldbrick.

LANCE
(yelling)
Manelito get in here!

MANELITO
(smiling)
Senor?

LANCE
You know Goldbrick?

MANELITO
Si.

LANCE
I want you to take him some coffee.
Get coffee in a thermos and take it
to him. He’s on hole number three.

MANELITO
Café?

LANCE
Yes in the café, where they make the
coffee. Is this going to tax your
brain Manelito?

MANELITO
Senor?

LANCE
Manelito, you think if I gave you a
month you could find a way to carry
this out? Bring some coffee to a
member. You think you’re up to this?

MANELITO
Si.

LANCE
(as though to a child)
You go to the restaurant and ask for
some coffee. They give you the coffee
in a container. You then get in your
golf cart with the coffee in the
container and drive to hole number
three. You get out of your cart with
the coffee and give it to Goldbrick.
He thanks you. You thank him. Then
you get back in your cart and drive
away. Understand?

MANELITO
Si hole number tres.

LANCE
I’m trusting you to do this job. Of
course if you can’t, if you screw
this up, maybe we could assign you a
job that would better fit your
aptitude, like pushing a broom for
instance, or cleaning out toilets.

MANELITO
Si.

Manelito turns to go and Lance grumbles to himself at the
cash register.

LANCE
The old coot Goldbrick thinks he’s
better than everyone else because he
has a lot of money. The old bastard!
If there was a pile of rocks with a
hole in it, he would unzip his fly
and stick his thing inside it just
to tease the snake.

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY

Manelito goes into the club restaurant, gets the coffee.

EXT. GOLF COURSE FAIRWAY – DAY

Manelito gets in a golf cart and drives up to hole number
three. There he finds Goldbrick, an old, cranky-looking man.

GOLDBRICK
(to his golfing partner)
There he is finally. These Latins
move so slow.

Manelito holds the coffee.

MANELITO
Here is the café senor.

Manelito waits.

GOLDBRICK
(laughs)
Just put it over there. You haven’t
stolen my car yet have you Manelito?

Manelito waits.

GOLDBRICK
Okay you can go. Oh, I suppose you
want a tip. Here.

Goldbrick hands Manelito a quarter. Manelito turns to go and
pauses.

MANELITO
Senor?

GOLDBRICK
Yes?

MANELITO
Why you tease a snake?

GOLDBRICK
What?

MANELITO
With your penis?

GOLDBRICK
What are you talking about?

MANELITO
(points to his crotch)
Senor Lance he say you look for a
rock with a hole to stick your penis
inside.

GOLDBRICK
Oh he said that did he?

INT. PRO SHOP - DAY

Manelito walks by the pro shop open door. There Goldbrick is
chewing Lance’s ass up one side and down the other. Lance,
who offers not a word of resistance, is standing stiff,
trembling; white as a sheet. Manelito laughs to himself.

Details

Written by Scott Meadow

Category: The Editor's Mess

It’s been a few weeks now and just about everything in America has shut down.  There’s no toilet paper, you can’t go out to eat or see a movie anymore, heck you can’t even hit the gym.  One by one states are being shuttered, the National Guard’s being activated, and any vaccine is at least 12 months away, according to people with actual medical degrees who know what they’re talking about.

But cheer up, grimly!  It’s always black before the dawn, provided the sun breaks quarantine, and sooner or later SOMEONE will realize that they can make a nice profit if they pump up the nation’s supply for toilet paper and cleaning products, and FINALLY make door-delivery of booze commonplace!

Until then, we’re all sheltered in place, realizing how truly unbearable most crap is on all those streaming services we somehow ended up subscribing to over the years but never watch.  Thanks to Jeff Bezos, we can also see the same unbearable crap that was in theaters (before they closed) from the comfort of our own couch, although that thing’s starting to smell a little ripe these days….  You may be isolated and unable to wipe yourself, but don’t forget to shower, folks.

Here are some helpful, random thoughts we’ve gathered to help you as you loaf around your quarantined domicile, isolated, bored, staring into the middle-distance while some Pink Floyd song echoes in your cranium.

1. Liquor Store Online (liquorstore-online.com)
   
   They’ll deliver booze to your door at an enormous mark up and high shipping prices, but let’s face it, if this thing lasts months we’re gonna need it.

2. If you can, download Drizly (Google Play, Apple Store)
   
   If you’re in their service area, this is a great way to get raise your spirits with some spirits.  Tried it in New York, and the service and selection was awesome.

3. Don’t click on all those toilet paper or “cash now” social media ads.
   
   The Bad Guys know this is a pandemic too, and they’re still out to jam malware down your throat in any underhanded, sneaky way they can, including luring you with sexy pictures of huge, juicy, voluptuous rolls of sweet, squeezable toilet tissue.  Scams are rampant in light of the current scare, and all sorts of scumbags will crawl out of the woodwork to take advantage.  Don’t be one of them!

4. Thanks to the Newport, Oregon police, try soaking all those old anchor lines you’ve got lying around in salt water and using that instead of Charmin.
   
   Or using corn cobs, magazine pages, or a fistful of leaves works too.
   
   
5. Your neighbors may still be assholes, but some need your help.
   
   Don’t let their paranoia, or bad tempered selfishness keep you from looking out for those in need.

6. No, the COVID-19 virus is NOT a bioweapon, it probably started as a delicacy.
   
   I love a good conspiracy theory, but don’t like being pushed around by Russian or Iranian disinformation: I’ll come to my craziness all by myself, thank you very much.  Anyway genetic sequencing shows COVID-19’s natural evolutionary origin, probably starting in bats and ending up in pangolins, which are one of the weirdest creatures you’ve ever seen. 
   
   Pangolins are heavily trafficked, and were likely illegally sold in the Wuhan wet market, making it a prime suspect for how we got into this mess.   Despite tasting horrible, often leading to chronic diarrhea, fever and stomach cramps, pangolin meat goes for upwards of $300/pound. 
   
   So about all we can conclude is that whoever bought this, he or she wasn’t strapped for cash.  Apparently eating this crap is a “status symbol” in Asian countries.

7. Corona  beer has nothing to do with the coronavirus.
   
   This should be a no-brainer, but just because the name is similar doesn’t mean the beer contains anything else besides beery goodness.  Drink up.

8. DON’T PANIC.
   
   Let’s all heed Douglas Adam’s immortal mellow slogan of chill.

9. Stop hoarding!
   
   We’re all in this together, so going out of your way to deprive others of being able to wipe their bottom isn’t cool, it’s just mean.

10. The U.S. Federal Government is really pretty useless after all.
    
    Not that this is any revelation, all this really has shown us that when the chips are down, the one thing we can really count on is our national leaders looking to make themselves look good enough to get re-elected, while the rest of us wipe ourselves with our left hands.  Meanwhile, locally, people are behaving decently, and pitching in to help each other more than you’d think, without anybody telling them to.

Photos: Screenshot from Stanley Kubrick’s “The Shining,” screenshot of Trump’s March 22^nd 2020 press conference, Matt Seymour/Erik McClean@Unsplash, Statue of Liberty by Scott Meadow.