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Feature Departments

Ventura, voiced by Kevin from The Office, here wraps up the evening's gaggle of exploited mentally ill people.President Barack Obama is a mind-controlled, time-traveling and shape-shifting reptilian under control of the C.I.A. in association with D.A.R.P.A.  He's engaged in a conspiracy to depopulate Louisiana, along with the rest of the world until the total population of the earth is 500,000,000, give or take.  Obama was told he was going to President of the United States when he was 7 to 11 years old -- by other time-traveling kids -- and was then groomed to take the reins of power, along with George H.W. Bush, his son George W., and Bill Clinton.  (I guess the time-travelers didn't get to 2016 and 2020 A.D. yet.)

This was all witnessed by a fellow time-traveling kid turned whistle blower, who has proof in the form of a single blurry picture from Gettysburg, taken when President Lincoln was giving his famous speech, featuring himself standing front-and-center, although the face is completely obscured and there are no supporting details.

Case closed, as far as he's concerned.

Pitching history.. out the window one show at a time"Thanks for taking this meeting, I really appreciate it, Mr. Jones. You don't mind the extra-wide lapels and bell-bottoms, do you?"

"How could I, it's 1977 and I'm a high-powered television executive, after all.  Cigarette?"

"Sure, I just ate, could use some help digesting."

"So Mr. Lipstein, your agent said something about a pitch you had for our new network 'The History Channel.'"

"Not one, Mr. Jones, but several great ideas.  When we read in Variety you were launching a new network, I gotta say, the boys and I were so excited we drank scotch the rest of the afternoon and smoked at least a carton of cigarettes until we involuntarily pissed our pants."

"You flatter me.  So what'd you got?"

"Picture this: Las Vegas.  The city that never sleeps.  High stakes gambling, hookers, the rich and powerful sitting right next to the farmer from Topeka, each able to strike it rich or go bust with the drop of a few cards."

Ben Bigfoot (left) is the world's smallest bigfoot, shown here in forced perspective at his repeated insistence.Reader’s note: I wrote this script for a professional comic ventriloquist. Imagine John is the ventriloquist and Ben is the puppet in his lap—in front of a live audience.

John – Hello everybody. I think you’ll agree with me this is a unique experience. An interview with, direct from the lost vastness of the wilderness, Ben, the world’s smallest Bigfoot.

Ben – Thank you.

John – Is it true?

Ben – What?

John – You’re the world’s smallest Bigfoot?

Ben – Do I look like I’m going to play NFL football next year?

John – How did you become the world’s smallest Bigfoot?

Ben – Too much smoking and no sex.

John – Really?

Ben – Isn’t that how you got that bald spot?