Assembled graduates, friends, regents, wealthy donors, far poorer parents, hangers-on, dilettantes, dim-wits, and of course Chancellor Faraday, it is my highly compensated pleasure to welcome you to today's graduation ceremony for the Class of 2015. It has been three years since I've had the pleasure of addressing the student body here at Yalvard.
Many things rush to your mind when asked to give a commencement address. "How large is my fee?" for example. Will I sound like Steve Jobs or Bob Dylan? How do I adequately express my resentment of over-privileged youth while still jamming some hard won life lessons down the gullet of a grotesquely debauched and hung-over crowd?
The answer is you can't. Like Bob De Niro recently reminded another groups of graduates, "You're fucked."
As to the other answers, well let's just say my fee has already financed a debauched week of my own in the south of France and had enough left over to settle the mortgage on my villa in St. Lucia. But I digress. Let's return to you.
You were born in or about 1993, a year that brought us "Sleepless in Seattle," caused Haddaway to ponder "What is love?" and saw the debut of one of history's greatest television shows "The X-Files." You were just babies, but I had recently graduated from college myself, which is merely one of the deeply depressing realizations I had while penning this masterpiece.
This week I read that RadioShack's stock price fell to less than $1 a share on the New York Stock Exchange. Really? I mean, I was amazed. RadioShack still has trading stock? They must be doing better than I thought.
I remember going into RadioShack as a kid, and it was pretty awesome. I was always a bit of a geek, and back then they were the only place you get a handful of transistors without a clerk looking at you like you were holding Cracker Jacks from Mars. It was a safe place for geeks.
And they had a great selection of rocket engines, crystal radio kits, breadboards, and soldering equipment. If you wanted any sort of unapologetic geeky electronics thing -- stuff like those guys in "Halt and Catch Fire" are always playing around with -- RadioShack was home. You could build a working computer just using the stuff the janitor swept up at the end of the day. It was THAT awesome!
It's the 70th anniversary of D-Day today, when America invaded France and began the liberation of Tom Hanks' career.
A lot of people died that day: some were German, some American, a lot were extras being paid scale in the wide shots. D-Day was the beginning of the end for World War II, but to fully appreciate that, you need to know how it all began.
World War 2 was largely started by Germany, specifically a guy called Adolph Hitler. If you don't know who this is, chances are you've only watched the History Channel to see Pawn Stars. Anyway he decided to start the war because he really liked war, particularly the first world war, which he thought was pretty awesome. Turns out he also had substantial mental issues but he was pretty good at hiding those from anyone who didn't read the book he wrote, listened to any of his speeches or paid attention to what he did after he rose to power. He was kinda a crafty bastard.