Special Features

John Sammon, longtime IRREVERENT pal, shares with us installments from his (as of yet) unproduced sitcom. Think "Fawlty Towers" meets "Caddyshack." -S.M.

Lance is a golf pro who runs a golf course and has a short temper. Manelito is a Spaniard who works as a golf attendant
at minimum wage and knows more English than he lets on to keep Lance off balance and to fool him.

Today a group of visiting golfers from India are going to play. Golf carts are lined up.

FADE IN:

INT. ELITE MANOR ACRES GOLF COURSE PRO SHOP – DAY

LANCE
Where is Manelito?

STAFFER
I don’t know.

LANCE
Go find him.

Staffer hurries off.

LANCE
The lazy good for nothing bastard,
I’d fire him if I could. But no,
bags-under-the eyes Johnson the big
executive in the big office hired
him and likes the bastard for some
reason. The dunce doesn’t even speak
English. If I’m lucky maybe Manelito
will get deported.

Manelito appears.

LANCE
Did you park the golf carts outside
that way?

MANELITO
Si.

LANCE
I told you to park them from left to
right with the cart that starts on
hole one on the left.

MANELITO
Si.

LANCE
Why aren’t they parked that way?

MANELITO
(points to himself in
mock puzzlement)
No, right?

LANCE
Don’t act stupid with me. You parked
the carts in the wrong order. The
two golfers who start on hole one,
their cart should be over there. The
two golfers who start on hole two,
their cart should be parked next to
that one, and so on. You got it ass-
backwards. Don’t you know your left
from your right?

MANELITO
Si I know.

LANCE
(sneering)
You don’t know?

MANELITO
(English subtitles,
means yes blowhard)
Si duro.

LANCE
What? Speak English.

MANELITO
Senor?

LANCE
What are you going to do about it?

MANELITO
Me park da carts better.

LANCE
You bet you will or I’ll run your
ass right out of here understand?

MANELITO
(English subtitle,
means nitwit)
Simplon!

LANCE
What?

MANELITO
Pardon.

LANCE
Pardon what?

MANELITO
Pardon.

LANCE
(yelling)
Pardon I heard that do you have to
repeat it?

MANELITO
Si.

LANCE
I think you’re an idiot that’s what
I think.

MANELITO
(English subtitles
means, not me, you)
No yo, tu.

LANCE
What did you say?

MANELITO
What is?

LANCE
What?

MANELITO
(means, maybe)
Quizas!

LANCE
Are you calling me a kiss-ass?

MANELITO
No senor. Por favor!

LANCE
One word from me and you’re toast.
Get over there and check those carts.

MANELITO
(English subtitles,
means crap eater)
Comedor de basura!

LANCE
Do the job I told you to.

MANELITO
Si.

EXT. GOLF CART STAGING AREA – DAY

An Indian golfer notices his name is not on a small paper
placard on a cart, removes it, and with a pen crosses out
the name of a golfer who had to cancel and couldn’t attend
the tournament. With a pen he writes his own name on the
placard and leaves. Lance comes and notices the pen-written
name.

LANCE
(shouting)
Manelito!

Manelito comes running.

LANCE
What is this?

MANELITO
What?

LANCE
(shows him the paper)
That!

MANELITO
A piece of paper senior.

LANCE
(cruelly mimics)
A…piece…of….paper.

MANELITO
Si senor!

LANCE
Did you do this?

MANELITO
What senor?

LANCE
Write on the goddamn paper!

MANELITO
No senor.

LANCE
Then who did?

MANELITO
Me no know senor.

LANCE
You no know?

MANELITO
No senor.

LANCE
Why don’t you know?

MANELITO
Si no know.

LANCE
You mean you don’t know who wrote
this?

MANELITO
No senor.

LANCE
(holds up paper)
Does this look professional?

MANELITO
(puzzled)
Pro-fesh-ill?

LANCE
(yells)
Professional!

MANELITO
Oh boy!

Manelito shakes his head.

Lance angrily pulls the paper taught with his hands bringing
it right next to Manelito’s face.

LANCE
This writing says Achmed Muhhamed
Chubasi. Did you write this to play
a trick on me?

MANELITO
Who me senor?

LANCE
You’re Manelito.

MANELITO
Yes who me?

LANCE
Yes you!

MANELITO
No senor.

LANCE
Get out of here.

Manelito turns to leave. Lance grabs his arm.

LANCE
No get out of here. I meant you’re
lying.

INT. PRO SHOP – DAY

Mr. Goldbrick one of the members of the golf club equates
money with personal worth and if you don’t have a lot of
money you’re not worth anything, according to Goldbrick.

LANCE
(yelling)
Manelito get in here!

MANELITO
(smiling)
Senor?

LANCE
You know Goldbrick?

MANELITO
Si.

LANCE
I want you to take him some coffee.
Get coffee in a thermos and take it
to him. He’s on hole number three.

MANELITO
Café?

LANCE
Yes in the café, where they make the
coffee. Is this going to tax your
brain Manelito?

MANELITO
Senor?

LANCE
Manelito, you think if I gave you a
month you could find a way to carry
this out? Bring some coffee to a
member. You think you’re up to this?

MANELITO
Si.

LANCE
(as though to a child)
You go to the restaurant and ask for
some coffee. They give you the coffee
in a container. You then get in your
golf cart with the coffee in the
container and drive to hole number
three. You get out of your cart with
the coffee and give it to Goldbrick.
He thanks you. You thank him. Then
you get back in your cart and drive
away. Understand?

MANELITO
Si hole number tres.

LANCE
I’m trusting you to do this job. Of
course if you can’t, if you screw
this up, maybe we could assign you a
job that would better fit your
aptitude, like pushing a broom for
instance, or cleaning out toilets.

MANELITO
Si.

Manelito turns to go and Lance grumbles to himself at the
cash register.

LANCE
The old coot Goldbrick thinks he’s
better than everyone else because he
has a lot of money. The old bastard!
If there was a pile of rocks with a
hole in it, he would unzip his fly
and stick his thing inside it just
to tease the snake.

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY

Manelito goes into the club restaurant, gets the coffee.

EXT. GOLF COURSE FAIRWAY – DAY

Manelito gets in a golf cart and drives up to hole number
three. There he finds Goldbrick, an old, cranky-looking man.

GOLDBRICK
(to his golfing partner)
There he is finally. These Latins
move so slow.

Manelito holds the coffee.

MANELITO
Here is the café senor.

Manelito waits.

GOLDBRICK
(laughs)
Just put it over there. You haven’t
stolen my car yet have you Manelito?

Manelito waits.

GOLDBRICK
Okay you can go. Oh, I suppose you
want a tip. Here.

Goldbrick hands Manelito a quarter. Manelito turns to go and
pauses.

MANELITO
Senor?

GOLDBRICK
Yes?

MANELITO
Why you tease a snake?

GOLDBRICK
What?

MANELITO
With your penis?

GOLDBRICK
What are you talking about?

MANELITO
(points to his crotch)
Senor Lance he say you look for a
rock with a hole to stick your penis
inside.

GOLDBRICK
Oh he said that did he?

INT. PRO SHOP - DAY

Manelito walks by the pro shop open door. There Goldbrick is
chewing Lance’s ass up one side and down the other. Lance,
who offers not a word of resistance, is standing stiff,
trembling; white as a sheet. Manelito laughs to himself.