WASHINGTON — The State Department on Thursday released a 14-page Frequently Asked Questions document addressing what it described as "unprecedented inbound interest" from foreign capitals following the recently executed Memorandum of Understanding with the Islamic Republic of Iran.
The agreement, finalized earlier this month, transferred $300 billion in U.S. taxpayer funds to Iran, restored the nation to its full pre-war territorial position and granted Tehran operational dominance over the Strait of Hormuz. In exchange, the United States received formal confirmation that the war it started unprovoked would, in fact, stop.
Within 72 hours of execution, the State Department confirmed diplomatic cables from no fewer than 23 nations inquiring about eligibility, timelines, and expected compensation structures.
The FAQ, titled "Frequently Asked Questions: U.S.-Initiated Conflict Resolution Program," was compiled by the Bureau of Conflict Prevention and Resolution in consultation with the Office of the Legal Adviser.
A spokesperson for the State Department said the document was released "in the interest of transparency and administrative efficiency" as the U.S. scales its unprovoked war program.
The full text of the FAQ is reproduced below.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS: U.S.-INITIATED CONFLICT RESOLUTION PROGRAM
U.S. Department of State — Bureau of Conflict Prevention and Resolution
Revision 1.0 | Effective Immediately
Q1: What is the U.S.-Initiated Conflict Resolution Program?
A: The Program provides a framework through which the United States initiates an unprovoked military conflict with a sovereign nation, transfers financial and territorial concessions to the affected party, and receives confirmation that the conflict has ended. The Bureau of Conflict Prevention and Resolution administers the Program under authorities derived from the Foreign Assistance Act, as amended, and the Bureau's own internal finding that starting a war and paying to stop it is not, legally speaking, two separate programs.
Q2: Is my country eligible to participate?
A: Eligibility is broad. The Program is open to all UN member states in good standing and select non-state actors with sufficient territorial control and a colorable claim to sovereignty. Priority is given to nations possessing strategically significant waterways, proven energy reserves, or documented histories of adversarial relations with the United States. Applicants should submit a Letter of Interest (Form DS-4249) via their respective embassies. Non-state actors may submit through accredited intermediaries, though the Bureau cannot process requests delivered by armed drone.
Q3: How do I apply?
A: There is no formal application. The United States selects participants unilaterally based on strategic priorities, internal polling data, and carrier group availability. Nations may signal interest through back-channel communications, public statements of moderate antagonism, or by positioning military assets in a manner visible to U.S. satellite reconnaissance. Passive-aggressive tank movements are also accepted.
Q4: What financial compensation should my nation expect?
A: Payouts vary by conflict duration, civilian displacement figures, and infrastructure loss. The Iran MOU established a baseline of $300 billion, inclusive of reconstruction grants, central bank liquidity support, and direct sovereign transfers. Nations with smaller GDPs or shorter war durations may receive proportionally reduced settlements, though all participants should expect compensation in the low-to-mid nine-figure range at minimum. The Bureau notes that undercompensation for a war the United States started has never occurred, and that grievances should be directed to the Bureau's ombudsman, a position currently vacant.
Q5: Will my country's pre-war territorial position be fully restored?
A: Yes. Standard terms include complete restoration of all pre-conflict borders, military installations, and diplomatic relationships. Additional territorial or maritime concessions may be negotiated during the cessation phase, depending on U.S. flexibility and the affected nation's posture. The Bureau notes that while borders are restored to their pre-war coordinates, the demeanor of U.S. personnel during withdrawal is outside Program scope.
Q6: What does the United States receive?
A: The United States receives confirmation that the conflict it initiated has ended. This is documented via a signed cessation agreement and a public statement from the affected nation acknowledging that hostilities have concluded. No further concessions, access agreements, or security guarantees are required. The Bureau has verified that this constitutes a complete transaction under generally accepted accounting principles.
Q7: How long does the process take?
A: Timeline varies. The unprovoked aggression phase typically requires 4–18 months of escalating rhetoric, followed by 6–24 months of active hostilities. The resolution phase, including fund transfers and territorial restoration, generally concludes within 90 days of the final memorandum's execution. Nations seeking expedited processing should consider possessing a nuclear program, a critical maritime chokepoint, or both. The Bureau processes rush requests in the order received, subject to the availability of negotiators not currently assigned to other unprovoked conflicts.
Q8: Can my nation receive control over a major international waterway?
A: The Strait of Hormuz arrangement was specific to the Iran MOU and should not be construed as precedent. That said, the Bureau is reviewing similar requests for the Bab-el-Mandeb, the Malacca Strait, and the Suez Canal. Interested parties should append a Waterway Request Addendum (Form DS-4250-A) to their Letter of Interest. The Bureau reminds applicants that control of a waterway is not guaranteed, but that the United States has a documented history of transferring control of things it does not fully possess.
Q9: Is there a waiting list?
A: At present, 23 nations have submitted formal inquiries. An additional 11 have made informal expressions of interest through third-party diplomatic channels, social media subtweets, and conspicuous military parades. The Bureau processes inquiries in the order received, subject to executive availability, Defense Department scheduling constraints, and the munitions procurement cycle. Nations are advised that the current backlog extends approximately 18 months, though the Bureau is actively recruiting additional aggressors to meet demand.
Q10: Are funds disbursed in a lump sum or installments?
A: Disbursement structures are negotiated case by case. The Iran MOU utilized a blended model: 40% upfront upon signature, 30% following verified cessation of hostilities, and 30% in quarterly installments over 24 months. All funds are drawn from the U.S. Treasury's general fund and disbursed through the Federal Reserve Bank of New York. The Bureau notes that payments are denominated in U.S. dollars and that the Federal Reserve does not make change.
Q11: Who should I contact with additional questions?
A: Direct inquiries to the Program Coordinator, Bureau of Conflict Prevention and Resolution, U.S. Department of State, Washington, D.C. 20520. Email:
The State Department confirmed that a companion document, "Best Practices for Maximizing Your U.S.-Initiated Conflict Resolution Settlement," is currently under interagency review and is expected for release in the third quarter of this fiscal year.
Multiple foreign ministries contacted by the Newz Desk declined to comment on the record, though a senior diplomat from one Latin American nation, speaking on condition of anonymity, described the Program as "the most reliable infrastructure financing mechanism available to middle-income countries, and significantly faster than the World Bank."
The White House did not respond to a request for comment.
Editor's Note: Hard to tell, but this is actually satire.