PALO ALTO, CA — When the board of directors at NexiCorp accidentally fired the entire C-suite during a botched automated HR update, the markets braced for a bloodbath. Instead, they got a miracle. For the last six months, NexiCorp has been led by ceo_v1.py, a 12-line Python script hosted on a discarded Raspberry Pi in the basement server room. Since the "Great Purge," productivity has skyrocketed 400%, employee turnover has hit zero, and the company’s stock price is currently outperforming gold.
"At first, we were terrified," says Linda Wu, Head of Logistics. "We waited for the visionary emails, the mandatory town halls, and the 3 AM Slack messages about 'disrupting the paradigm.' But they never came. All we got was a quiet, efficient silence."
The script, written in five minutes by a sleep-deprived intern who has since moved to a goat farm in Oregon, operates on a simple, three-function loop. It automatically approves all PTO requests, replies "Let’s circle back on this next week" to any email containing the word "synergy," and periodically sends a company-wide blast that simply reads: KEEP GOING.
"It’s the most effective leadership I’ve ever experienced," says Dave Henderson, a senior developer. "The old CEO used to spend $40,000 a month on 'culture consultants' who told us to sit on beanbags and share our feelings. The script doesn't have feelings. It doesn't have a vision. It just lets us do our jobs so we can go home at 5 PM." Industry analysts are calling it "The Apathy Dividend." Without a C-suite to demand "pivots" every Tuesday or authorize $200 million rebrands that involve slightly changing the shade of blue in the logo, NexiCorp has found itself burdened with an embarrassing amount of cash.
"Human executives are high-maintenance," explains market strategist Dr. Julian Vane. "They require private jets, ego-stroking, and 'strategic retreats' in Aspen. A Python script requires 5 volts of power and doesn't try to buy a social media platform because it's having a mid-life crisis. The ROI is infinite." The success has been so profound that other firms are taking notice. Goldman Sachs is reportedly testing a 5-line script to replace its entire middle-management layer, though initial tests were halted when the script accidentally became self-aware and tried to donate the firm's assets to a local cat shelter. At NexiCorp, the future has never looked brighter, or more automated. "Last week, the script 'rejected' a proposal for a three-day corporate retreat by simply failing to respond to the email," Wu says, smiling. "We all stayed home, did our work, and the company made $12 million. I think I’m in love with a variable."