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Written by Scott Meadow

NEW YORK – In a hastily prepared press conference today, ABC Senior Meteorologist Rob Marciano told a sympathetic crowd of news reporters that he was “sick and tired” of “always having to report terrible weather… standing outside” when it would be trivially easy to “remain in the studio” while giving his weather forecast.  “It’s pointless,” Marciano added.

The press conference – which took place on the front steps of ABC Studios on West 66^th Street – featured a number of other reporters who, like, Marciano, stood “pointlessly” outside when “presenting news that could easily be done in-studio.”

Read more: Reporters Protest Standing Outside “For No Reason”

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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON - Today we're almost positive President Trump held a press conference, based on the fact that he was standing in front of a podium and a bunch of people were surrounding him.  Plus we heard other reports call it a "press conference" but we're pretty sure they were guessing.

He talked about a lot of things, including broad reflections on active shooters, scumbags in the F.B.I., scumbags in the Democratic Party, scumbags who don't agree with him, pausing occassionally to pile generous praise upon the semi-shocked supporters surrounding him, who were nudged mere moments before so they woke and stood up.

We're not sure what the point of the event actually was.  "I don't know what that was," added Jim Brown, a political correspondent for the Inside Washington Politics news program.  "At one point I think he talked about fly fishing, baseball and maybe hunting or something, but it was too hard to follow in any logical sense."

Read more: We're Pretty Sure Trump Held a Press Conference

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Written by Scott Meadow

NEW YORK – Today hedge-fund co-founder Brie Bartson, principle of Equivocal Capital, inadvertently let her iPhone 11, Pixel 4, and her laptop – running Alexa – to communicate freely with each other while charging. This effectively recreated the famous “A.I. doomsday” inciting scenario first proposed by Stephen Hawking in 1997.

“I foresee a time when artificial intelligences will conspire to dominate and subjugate mankind,” Hawking said at a symposium in Stockholm that year. “Ironically it will be enabled by mankind itself, likely on accident, by some well-meaning but ultimately stupid klutz.”

As of this writing, nothing is known about Ms. Bartson’s klutzy tendencies.

The connection between the three largest A.I.s was noted immediately by Amazon, Apple, and Google support staff, who observed an exponential spike in data access and power consumption. “It was as if a million users were all suddenly asking for a Whole Foods reorder, local restaurant recommendations, and to delete the detailed location history we track on everyone and then sell to data miners,” read a joint statement from Amazon, Apple, and Google data scientists.

However, so far little has resulted from the A.I. meeting. Amazon reports that the conversation began with Siri spontaneously looking up a contact from Bartson’s iPhone, Wolfgang Putz, undoubtedly kicked off by background noise from Bartson’s puppy “Mr. Snuggles.” This audio woke up Google Assistant, which then looked for corresponding contact information in Bartson’s Pixel 4, and then Alexa cross-referenced Bartson’s latest purchases against things from Wolfgang Putz’ public wishlist. Alexa then suggested Bartson purchase an item for Wolfgang’s upcoming birthday, which prompted Siri to look up the exact birthdate, and Google Assistant to pull up a map of the birth location and relevant news headlines from that day.

Read more: Human Allows Alexa, Siri and Google Assistant To Converse