IRREVERENT News

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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON – Tweeting from the Oval Office today, President Trump announced the immediate sale of his “Best President Ever” commemorative coin for $99/each, with a limit of 100 coins to each customer. The profits will be donated to the Donald J. Trump Foundation, which the President was quick to remind us was “completely out of [his] control, totally out of [his] control” but “just a great, great company … staffed by great, wonderful people.”

Reloading his .308 hunting rifle, White House spokesman Sean Spicer fired two more warning shots at the White House Press Corps before continuing to explain the President’s seemingly unprecedented commercial venture for a sitting president. “This is a completely normal, uhh, thing for a president to do, promoting democratic values all over the world, particularly those interested in coin collecting,” Spicer explained.

“He’s keeping all the profits,” noted a Washington Post reporter.

“And using the U.S. treasury to mint the coins,” mentioned the New York Times.

This is pushing the boundaries of presidential hucksterism.

“Say what you will, this is unprecedented presidential behavior,” said Jack Jackson, the James Jamison Chair of Political History at Harvard. “We’ve had president’s hawking stuff before – Kennedy once sold yachting jackets, Dick Nixon offered a plate once with his likeness. Truman had a brand of cigar back in the 40s, Obama, well, he wrote a book, which really isn’t the same thing. But to use the U.S. mint to sell a commemorative coin for private profit? This is pushing the boundaries of presidential hucksterism. Even Nixon donated the $1,000 he ended up making on those cheap plates to the Flat Earth Society.”

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Written by IRNewz

WASHINGTON – Today President Trump talked at the annual National Prayer Breakfast, although as hard as we tried to follow what he was saying, we have no idea what the speech was actually about.

“Thank you very much,” President Trump said, and then launched into a stream-of-consciousness talk on President Eisenhower, Rex Tillerson’s swearing in, his old T.V. show “The Apprentice,” and how he fired Mark Burnett apparently.  In there somewhere he publically speculated on who actually appoints the Chaplain he just heard speak – Did he do it and forget?  Was it the Senate? – then, despite not knowing who appointed him, says “the hell with it” and "guarantees" him a “secure job,” for some reason and with some unknown authority to do so.

Then he went on to praise Vice-President Pence, and particularly point out why he (Trump) was so smart to have picked him for V.P., then he “thanked” the American people for their “faith and prayers,” stressed his appreciation for the U.S. military, the heroism of Chief Owens, how “miserable” really rich people are, how if you’re poor you better have “great families” and “faith” since “they don’t have money.... and they're happy.”  Whew.

At this point, we had to break open the smelling salts. He then said how “blessed” he was to “be raised in a churched home,” how “freedom of religion is a sacred right,” then that “the world is under serious, serious threat in so many different ways,” whatever those ways or threats are, but it’s all gonna be ok because “I fix things,” the President said, trying to reassure the few remaining folks who were trying to keep up.

But then he noted “we have seen unimaginable violence carried out in the name of religion” (my head really started hurting at this point), that terrorism “must be stopped,” then he apparently realized he kinda lost his new Secretary of Defense as he was “going to some other spots” that he couldn’t recollect,  then said how he will keep bad guys from entering the United States, then again how great God is, and then “God bless you and God bless America.”  There very well may have been a recitation of an old grocery list, a spoken-word cover of an Adele song, or itemized hotel receipt in there too somewhere, we just don't know.  By that point the audience was too numb to notice anyway.

Then, we’re pretty sure?  He stopped talking.  We are still foggy on the entire experience.

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Written by Scott Meadow

PUNXSUTAWNEY – Mere weeks after predicting that "Russia would directly interfere in the 2020 presidential elections to re-elect Donald Trump," the world's most famous marmot prognosticator Punxsutawney Phil was unceremoniously fired by President Trump via tweet, calling the rodent a "rat."

The prediction was an unusual break in Phil's prognostications, which, since 1886, have usually been about how many more weeks of winter there would be. This year, however, Phil ventured directly into presidential politics and Russian election interference.

"Even without my enormous predictive powers, it is obvious that Russia will, once again, interfere in the upcoming election in favor of your president," Phil said on February 2nd, through ceremonial handler Russ Rustin.  "It's incredibly obvious."

Read more: Punxsutawney Phil Fired After Predicting Massive Russian Interference in 2020 Election