INVERNESS, SCOTLAND — Today, six researchers who refer to themselves as "crypto-zoologists" declared their eighteen-month investigation to uncover the Loch Ness monster "officially and permanently over," and their results "nothing short of astonishing."
"Although we did not discover any sort of creature, we did fully utilize all of our funding, AND produce a great rendering of what the monster might look like," read a statement released by the team on Thursday morning. "We consider this a qualified success. Some might even say unqualified."
The researchers, led by self-proclaimed "rogue scholar" Ian Campbell, raised nearly £1.2 million through a combination of crowdfunding, a documentary pre-sale to a streaming service that has since gone bankrupt, and what Campbell described as "a small inheritance from my aunt, who believed in me, and also in the monster, in that order."
The expedition — the largest and most expensive Loch Ness investigation in recorded history — was designed to "render the definitive verdict" on the so-called monster using cutting-edge technology and, in Campbell's words, "an open mind unburdened by the weight of mainstream scientific consensus."
"We figured this time we had a good chance of success," Campbell told reporters at a press conference held at a pub in Inverness, where the team had been "debriefing" since approximately 11 a.m. "We wanted to use artificial intelligence to help pinpoint the monster's likely locations, but we couldn't figure out how to do that."
The team reportedly spent four months attempting to train a machine learning model on historical Nessie sightings. "The AI kept telling us the monster was 'statistically improbable,'" said Dr. Patricia Holloway, the team's data analyst, who holds a PhD in "Anomalous Pattern Recognition" from an institution she described only as "accredited, probably." "We felt this represented a fundamental misunderstanding of the mission, so we discontinued that line of inquiry and went back to basics."
The basics, in this case, involved the team's chartered vessel "Tubaist II" — named after Campbell's previous boat, "Tubaist," which sank during a 2019 investigation of the Ogopogo in British Columbia — patrolling the loch "semi-randomly" using sonar equipment on what Campbell characterized as a "near-directionless" search for any sort of "large aquatic organism."
"It turned out quite a bit more difficult to cover the area than we'd anticipated," Campbell admitted. "Loch Ness is, as it happens, quite large. Twenty-three miles long. Up to 230 meters deep in places. We did the maths about six months in and realized we'd only covered about 4% of the total volume. But we did have a lovely time out on the water. It's quite beautiful, really. The light in the mornings. The mist. If nothing else, we all feel very spiritually refreshed. The maths, we have agreed not to revisit."
Chester McMannis, the team's self-described "crypto-artist" and Campbell's brother-in-law, spent the eighteen months aboard the Tubaist II "sketching and doodling various interpretations of what the creature might look like" in the event that they were to encounter it.
"I wanted to be ready," McMannis explained. "If we'd seen the monster, I needed to be able to capture it immediately, from memory, with artistic fidelity. So I practiced. Every day. Different angles, different poses, different moods. Happy Nessie. Sad Nessie. Nessie in contemplative repose. Nessie doing a bit of light admin."
"About a month ago, it suddenly hit me," McMannis continued, gesturing at a large canvas print propped against the bar. "I thought: what if the monster isn't just a plesiosaur, but a plesiosaur with a certain... nobility? A dignity? So I created a series of final drawings from different angles, and when we got back home, I scanned them into the computer and ultimately produced the rendering that we published. I'm quite proud of the end result, and feedback has been incredibly positive and thoroughly supportive."
He has received three emails.
The rendering, which depicts a long-necked creature emerging from misty waters with what can only be described as a wistful expression, has been downloaded over 400,000 times and is currently available as a poster, a coffee mug, a mousepad, and a limited-edition wool throw blanket. Proceeds, McMannis noted, will fund "future investigations into the unknown."
"Some have called our expedition 'a great shambolic failure,'" Campbell acknowledged. "Others have used the word 'boondoggle.' One journalist called it 'the most expensive fishing trip in Scottish history,' which I thought was unfair, as we weren't fishing. We were investigating. There is a distinction, legally."
"But what do you call the quest of science attempting to examine the unknown?" Campbell continued, his voice taking on a philosophical tone. "We call it par for the course. Negative results are still results. The absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. Or rather — it is evidence. Evidence that we need more funding, better equipment, and another eighteen months."
The team has already announced plans for "Loch Ness Investigation II: The Deeper Search," scheduled to begin in spring 2027, pending the success of their new crowdfunding campaign, which launched this morning with a goal of £2 million.
Others have been considerably more critical of the project.
"They didn't find anything!" pointed out Professor Edmond Willersby, Chair of Evolutionary Biology at Oxford, when reached for comment. "Over a year and a half, I'd expect them to find a new mosquito, a breed of salmon, an unusual eel — something. Not only did they discover nothing new and effectively burn 1.2 million pounds, the only thing of value they did produce — the artist picture — could comfortably have been done at home for a fiver. Maybe a tenner, if he'd used the good pencils."
Professor Willersby added that he had, out of what he later described as "morbid professional obligation," examined the team's sonar data, which they published as an appendix to their final report. "It's mostly noise," he said. "Though there is one section that appears to be a recording of someone's Spotify playlist bleeding through the equipment. Thirty-seven minutes of Fleetwood Mac. 'The Chain,' repeatedly."
The team disputes this characterization. "That was a calibration test," Campbell said. "Also, it's a good song."
The City of London reacted to the news by ignoring it completely. The City ate some fish and chips around noon, scrolled through its phone for a bit, and took a quick power nap before the afternoon trading session. Upon waking, the City checked its hair in a reflective window, decided it looked "fine, probably, for a Thursday," and returned to work.
The afternoon session proved eventful. The City tore through pharma stocks with a focus that suggested unresolved personal issues, lifted up tech with an enthusiasm it immediately regretted, and beat banks to within an inch of their lives before finally quitting around 4:30 with a triple scotch and half a thought about whether any of this actually meant anything.
By 5:15, the City was in a taxi to Paddington, and by 6:45, it was on a train to its country home in the Cotswolds, where it planned to spend the long weekend "not thinking about Scotland, or monsters, or the million pounds that could have gone to literally anything else." It had a list.
The monster, presumably, remains in the loch. It has not issued a statement.
The IRREVERENT Newz Desk is committed to covering stories that matter, or at the very least, stories that have occurred. Chester McMannis's Loch Ness Monster print is available at [REDACTED].com. The Tubaist II is for sale.
A version of this article originallly appeared on IRREVERENT in October 2023.