I really don't like shilling for sites looking to hawk sleazy product.  After all, if IRREVERENT was about making money I'd be the first one to be shocked and begin retooling.  As far as I'm concerned, we're here solely because of certain rude clauses in the United States Constitution that various non-fun people have been trying to get rid of ever since they were enacted.  I'm sure they'll get their wish one of these days.  But not before we take a double-stuffed banana creme to each and every somebody who votes against us and fun.

Until then, we're here to discuss odd media phenomena like the bogus "forget-me-not panties"¹ and all that that entails, including potentially sleazy merch: partly because it's going to irritate some people, and irritating some people is always worth doing, but mostly because we like looking (tax-deductibly) at websites that prominently feature female undergarments -- on female undergarment models -- as we conduct conspiciously questionable "article research."  This, not coincidentally, very closely resembles the research we regularly conduct at some of the nation's very finest gentlemen's clubs, where we have discovered -- also not coincidentally -- that today's exotic dancers don't have much input into the American political process, but sure know more than their fair share of politicians, especially the really fun ones and not no-tippers like Tom "Lookit-Me-Ma-I'm-Smilin'" DeLay.  Look, I don't care what your deal is, nobody should be smiling when being booked for a felony.  Okay, maybe Ken Lay.  Or Andy Fastow.  Or Michael Milken.  But nobody, you know, who doesn't have millions banked.

"Forget-me-not panties" was a totally bogus product rooted in the very real security paranoia sweeping the nation; a radically un-fun attitude that the creators (they call themselves "The Panty Raiders") just couldn't help making fun of.  The panties, see, look just like "regular" panties with one notable exception: a very small GPS system, powered from a very small watch battery, and a temperature and heart-rate sensor located directly over your lady's most extremely private bits, which jet said information back directly to your PC (free software download available) or your "hand-held devices" (ho ho ho) in real time.  And, faster than you can say eroding personal boundaries, you are able to "protect her privates" (to quote their tag line) safely from miles away, even while, for example, downloading a gabillion bytes of internet porn.

The "company" appears to be based in Japan, and, for the final gag, the panties are "sold out" but don't worry 'cause more are on their way.

The only thing that irritates me more than no-fun attacks on personal freedom -- of the kind parodied here -- is that the Panty Raiders came up with it before we did.  We funny guys may not be vicious attackers of civil liberties but we sure as hell are jealous of other funny people's funny bits.

The gag also works because you can just about see some company actually coming up with something like this to the overwhelming glee of hardcore weirdos everywhere.  No?  Think there's no market?  Too "extreme"?  Okay, school's in, sucka: Slide out to Google and take a surf on "tracking device cheaters."  71,500 hits later, you'll find the likes of detective agencies and "spy hardware" sellers all claiming to help you uncover your significant other's wanderlust while profiting handsomely from your suspicion.  If they make pen-sized GPS devices, micro CCTV cameras, bug sweepers, voice changers, vehicle trackers, portable lie detectors, and -- my personal favorite -- "5 minute infidelity test kits"² for testing your wife's panties for any manly traces, are peek-a-boo arousal sensing thongs really so far fetched?  Actually, I'm amazed they're not at Wal-Mart underneath some suspiciously smiling dot.

Statistics are on the dot's side.  Something like 22% of all men and like 14% of women are cheaters according to some studies I'm too lazy to cite properly, so that translates to a pretty lucrative market for post-cold-war spy gadget guys.  Had to do something with all those night vision goggles and tracking thingys didn't they, now that James Bond is less interested in the Russians than he is in Halle Berry?  Anyone else feel that invisible hand of surplus profiteering reaching into the heart of the American marriage?  Anyone?  Hmm?

See now I'm getting paranoid too.

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¹ The URL is: http://forgetmenotpanties.contagiousmedia.org/, and it was the Grand Prize winner in the Contagious Media Showdown put up by Eyebeam (http://www.eyebeam.org/).  They won because they got 20,284,816 hits during the contest run.

² They call this product "CheckMate," aren't they cute?  One of their pitches read: "With the CheckMate Infidelity Test, you can catch your cheating spouse without even leaving the house!"  Because apparently you really want to know if she's sleeping with your buddy Bob, but just can't tear yourself from the Cheetos long enough to hop in a car and follow her to "bowling night."  Instead you're gonna pull out her panties from the hamper and drip on this goop, waiting, presumably for something to change color. Ahh, ewwwwww!  Well, anyway, here it is for the curious or emphatically paranoid, and although my lead-in is all about women, it tests men's briefs just as well, green-eyed gals: http://www.infidelitytoday.com/.