It's almost that time of year again where people put on uncomfortable and scary looking costumes and wander around soulless track housing to knock on the doors of spooky neighbors.  Of course, most people are too terrified to open them - having watched the news and diligently tracked the escalating Terrorist Threat Level from the DHS - but an occasional sucker will still succumb to the pressure, climb out of his safe room and release the double dead bolts and restraining bar.  Then the inevitable happens: the stranger pushes a flyer into the sucker's hands and asks him to vote for their candidate in the upcoming mid-term elections.  Yes, the horror of another election cycle is upon us.

Personally, I'm keeping my vampire costume on while I vote.  I think imitating the blood sucking undead will help me relate to the candidates on the ballot.  Well, at least to the elephant worshippers, and they desperately need some understanding right about now.  And I think they should really get it.  The understanding, I mean.

Now before you click away, I'm not trying to imply that Republicans are supernatural creatures who exsanguinate the living to turn them into creatures like themselves.  In fact, they are not supernatural at all, and I'm sure most have absolutely no trouble working during the daylight hours, provided their curtains are sturdily lined.  But if you insist on turning your back when one of them is around, all I'm saying is bring along a neck brace just in case.  If you are suddenly overcome with an urge to go golfing in your new H2, it's already too late.

(Yeah, I couldn't help but do an "election cycle/Halloween" mashup.  When else would I have an excuse to use both "exsanguinate" and "Republician" in the same sentence?)

Now normally poking fun at uptight conservative types would be the staple diet around this rag come national election time.  However, so far these guys have been doing a fine job of that all by themselves without any prodding from yours truly.  Between Jack Abramoff lighting his Cubans with the Contract With America, Tom Delay's arrest portrait, Foley propositioning teenage pages, and the Iraqi civil war the current administration so helpfully ignited, I think the Republicans have done a damn dandy job disgracing themselves.  And here I thought November was just going to be another record breaking hot spell thanks to global warming.  Guys, I gotta thank you for making life a little more interesting.

I mean it's been a long time since we've had a good sex scandal.  Clinton was straight and not a pedophile, so compared to you guys his shame was a lot less interesting. You definitely have the Dems beat in the illegal sex category.

But to be fair you really need to consider that whenever one party's been in charge of everything for so long, corruption is almost natural, you know like natural, law-abiding sex with consenting adults.  I think the Republicans deserve - nay, are entitled to - a little leniency with regard to their recent troubles.  It's a function of power that the longer you have it, the more money you can illegally use to finance Scotland golf outings and all-expense-paid cruises to exotic islands.  Oops, I mean, uhh, that the longer you have power, the more you're willing to do to keep it.  Let's cut 'em some slack.  Some very deep cuts.

So from that perspective, as a voter I'm willing to ignore a little corruption, malfeasance, blatant cronyism, and a few screwed up wars on no clearly defined enemy that are costing thousands of lives and hundreds of billions of my tax dollars.  I mean, who am I to judge?  After all, if I was, you know, like 600 people elected to national office, could I really do any better?  Let's be fair.

Ethical boundaries are often murky at best when it comes to things like exploiting a child for sex, using your office to get your incompetent buddies cushy jobs, suspending habeas corpus, redrawing congressional districts to favor your party, torturing prisoners, bombing people who haven't done you any harm, or illegally moving millions of dollars to benefit your fellow ideologues.  There is gray area, and I for one am willing to cut them a hefty break, just like the one they generously gave the top 1% of wage earners at the expense of everyone else.  That type of heft.  Lee Raymond-like heft.

Just remember that when you head into your voting place in a few weeks and press that Diebold touchscreen, provided you haven't been purged from the voting rolls.  Chances are you're voting Republican at that point anyway no matter what you selected, so you should at least comfort yourself with the spirit of forgiveness and understanding.  Really buckling under your rulers no matter what they do or say is part of the great American tradition, dating all the way back to at least 2000.  I, for one, think this is a tradition worth hanging onto.

Who's with me??