IRREVERENT Magazine - Features

That's right motherfucker this month's column is going to introduce you to the potentially dangerous and always exciting world of pressure cooking.  I've been hesitant to roll it out because you fuckers are so damn dumb and so damn cheap that I quite expect that you're going to end up blowing this month's recipe though your fucking roof.  If I were you I'd have your spouse/significant other/24-7 fuckdoll put a fucking roofing contractor and a cleaning company on standby.  If you don't want to have to pay them then I suggest you read this very closely.

Now I can see the fucking letters you cuntlickers would write if you could string two fucking sentences together with any kind of coherence.  I swear to God the fucking Pope is more articulate than you cocks and he's getting his daily three squares shoved down his gullet through a Goddamn tube.  What you'd be bitching about is that you don't have time to fuck with anything as complex as a pressure cooker.  The kids are bawling, the dog is fucking the cat and you'll be damned if you'll take the time to fuck around with anything other than a microwave.  Well, you shithead, if serving poison concocted by those cocksucking fucknuts at Con "fucking" Agra is your idea of taking care of your family than you go right the fuck ahead.  [Note:  ConAgra does NOT sell poisonous food products. — Ed.]  It ain't going to stop me giving you a kick ass potato ham soup that is fanfuckingtastic.

OK the first thing you gotta do is score your hairy pimpled ass a pressure cooker.  Buy this new you cheap piece of shit because modern pressure cookers have all kinds of safety devices that will keep you from punching a pot lid shaped hole into your Goddamn roof and blowing the Goddamn rice pudding all over the fucking kitchen/  Look for shit like a gasket that blows out the side in an emergency, a built in pressure indicator that tells you when it's safe to open the damn thing and an easy to calibrate pressure regulator. [Figure 1] If you can't get this sorted out, then you're too fucking dumb to play the pressure cooking game.  Get stainless steel and for God's sake do not get Teflon®.  It can't stand up well to high heat when you sear before cooking.  Make sure you get a heavy  bottom to resist warping.  The whole damn thing should be a relatively heavy gauge steel to cover both safety and even heating.  I'd give you some recommendations, but while manufacturers fall all over themselves and suck Emeril's cock whenever he endorses something, they tend to send me cease and desist letters.  Fuckers.

So you've gotten home with your new tool and you think you're ready to go.  Well I've got news for you you fucking genital wart you now have the culinary equivalent of a loaded gun.  Before you get started you absolutely must read the directions for your cooker.  As much as I hate you and think you should be dead, I don't want my tax dollars to support those "should've swallowed's" you call children.  For God's sake be careful with this and you're going to have stews in 30 minutes or less and canned food that's actually worth eating.  Now here we go with some potato and ham soup.

Potato and Ham Soup

1 small onion, chopped
1 lb cubed ham
1 clove garlic, pressed
6 cups chicken broth
2 lbs potatoes cubed (If you want a firmer potato use Klondike Gold, otherwise Idaho Russets are good.  To make this a particularly springy recipe use new potatoes.  Peel for a clean look, don't peel for a rustic look.)
Chevre goat cheese

Drizzle a little bit of olive oil into your cooker and on medium high heat brown the ham.  Once you see some residue in the bottom of the pan toss in your onion and caramelize it.  Toss in your garlic.  Let the garlic cook for about 30 seconds, then pour in the chicken broth, deglaze the cooker and chunk in the fucking taters.  I'd recommend a little dill but that's to taste and you certainly don't need it.  This cooks at 10 psi, if you read your fucking instructions you'll know what that means.  Bring the cooker up to pressure, on mine the regulator starts to rock, and then turn the heat down to maintain a steady psi.  Cook for 6 minutes.  This is going to cook so fast you don't have to worry about burning so don't try to remove the lid to stir and try not to move the pot.  Remove from the heat and, following the manufacturers instructions reduce the pressure.  You're ready to serve.

To plate, oh fucking Christ's cross you aren't that dumb, yes I know it's a bowl.  "Plate" is an industry term you shit eating butt munch.  Now to plate this crap, pour it off with a ladle, then take about 1 tsp of goat cheese and form it into a ball, use three of these for a garnish.  [Figure 2] you can also just garnish with freshly ground pepper.  Serve with a nice sourdough baguette and beer.  If you must drink wine because you are a thrice cursed pussy, then something red.  This soup is hearty enough that it will kick the ass off of a weak cuntlick white.  Well there's one white you can get away with and that's an Alsace Riesling,  It will cut nicely through the potatoes' starchiness.  Now the time has come for you to fuck off.  My little auburn haired beauty is here and I've got some cooking to do.