IRREVERENT Magazine - Features

One of the things about travel is that it does broaden your mind; you come to understand how quickly every part of the world is becoming exactly like every other part of the world. The force driving the rapid homogenization is of course the rise of globalism and the multi-national corporation. Now in the past, I've resisted the siren song allure of individualism, preferring instead the idea that one should be a part of the world and stay engaged with events that lie outside one's personal interest. A recent trip to Ireland has shaken my faith in that simple creed and I find that maybe an interconnected globe isn't such a good idea after all. In fact, it seems to me that the rush to globalize may be the result of more greed, corruption, and underhanded dealing than Jacques Chirac's efforts to take a oui on the European constitution.

So how can a trip to a minor European country that is just barely out of the Third World^TM shake the faith of a hardcore capitalist like myself? Well it started on the trip from the airport. Along the side of the highway, the Irish equivalent of the DOT had seen fit to erect signs saying things like "52 people killed on County Kerry roads in the last four years." A little further down was some road construction and a sign announcing that part of the money for the project had come from an economic development fund established by other member countries of the European Union. It seems that of the 53 people killed on County Kerry roads (it went up overnight), not a few were Germans who found their vaunted Teutonic driving skills running smack into, or more likely off of, the tiny two lane cow paths that pass for the Irish national highway system. Since I've had the joy of riding in a bus driven by a mad Irishman trying to get to the pub for a pint of Murphy's after leaving the pub where he had a pint of Guinness, I can't blame the Germans for so wanting to be safe that they are willing to part with some of their own economic growth. I'm saddened that by doing so they are depriving the Irish of their heritage: certain death on the highway.

The point is that to be an elite, a true elite, you need to be sure that no one else can join you at the top.It appears however that the Irish aren't going quietly into that good night. In a face slap to the multinational pharmaceutical companies that traffic in such dangerous drugs as nicotine and alcohol, the Irish government outlawed smoking in all public places, including pubs. As you might expect, the corporate thugs that bitch and moan every time a long haired soapophobic hippie chucks a brick through a McDonald's aren't standing idly by and letting the Irish get away with such silliness. Although I wouldn't care to suggest that Phillip Morris has a black ops division, several commentators have noticed a rise in fatalities from house fire deaths since the public smoking ban was established in March 2004. I'm sure that nobody from Diageo, Guinness' corporate parent, owner of Smirnoff, Cuervo, Captain Morgan, and other wonderful, friendly bottles of cheer, is running around setting house fires. I'm sure it's simply the case that the Irish are expressing their national sovereignty by passing out from drink and setting themselves on fire with a lit cigarette. In a pub one of their drunken chums would've found a way to put them out before the whole building caught on fire. At home, all alone, well the phrase up in smoke seems a fairly accurate assessment.

Now it's not just the Irish that are feeling the negative effects of globalization. Even the Extremely Wealthy^TM, people you would think would be very comfortable with the idea, are beginning to see that it's pretty tough being an elite in a One World^TM sort of way. Take for example George Soros. Like your humble correspondent ol' George realizes that if everyone can have a good, inexpensive wine to drink, then what is the purpose of accumulating an obscene amount of money? If a World Economy means that some punk kid can park a $49,000 dollar Chrysler Crossfire in the driveway, what's the point of being able to afford its $60,000 clone the Mercedes SLK? No it's pretty clear that the democratic leanings of globalization are to be avoided. We should start by doing away with the Internet®. What good is it for you to be wasting your time reading this perfectly instructive case study of free expression run amok when you could be out planting trees, cleaning up litter, and, in your spare time, helping your company grow to be a major player in the...international.......widget...........er, um..., yeah, well forget about that. The point is that to be an elite, a true elite, you need to be sure that no one else can join you at the top. Globalization may pull up the poor, like Ireland, but it also drags down the rich like France. Well like France thinks of herself. How a country with no major industry of its own other than labor strikes can be considered rich is beyond me, but hey, that's the French thing and it would be a shame to see that Gaulling trait mowed down by too much Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité. Plus, we never, ever, ever want French women to get fat because somebody's got to wear all the Chanel.

So, what's a body to do, other than heave a brick through the window of McDonald's?There's another danger to globalization and that's the loss of national sovereignty in the case of legal matters. Take intellectual property, please. The United States used to have a copyright scheme that protected the authors rights in, say, this drivel, for the life of the author plus 50 years before it became public domain. That meant that I could protect my right to be associated with this fine essay on international relations for only a period of about 50 years after my death. In an effort to bring U.S. law into conformity with Europe, the timeline has been expanding. With more authors forming corporations and assigning copyright to them, nothing is entering the public domain. As if that weren't bad enough, now the world community wants to be able to hold U.S. citizens accountable for wartime atrocities in much the same way that other thugs and despots are held accountable. Rightfully so, the Bush administration is digging in its heels and trying to have the international war crimes tribunal disbanded. (Scott you should probably kill that sentence, I just got a note from the thought commandanté of the local progressivist organization reminding me that we are in favor of globalization as long as its manifested in a way that neo-cons hate. Christ I can't keep all the hypocrisy straight anymore.) [Scott, leave the parenthetical note in, take out this square bracketed note telling you to leave the parenthetical note in, please]. Two cheers for rugged individualism. [Tell me what to do. -Ed]

So, what's a body to do, other than heave a brick through the window of McDonald's? Well I suggest going on vacation immediately while there are still unique and charming places left in the world. If you need help booking and planning your trip, R.A. Enterprises is pleased to announce our new travel planning and tour division. We can put all kinds of packages together to get you the vacation of a lifetime, and, if you wish to see the British Isles, we can arrange for an expert tour guide to show you the sites of London, Edinburgh, or County Kerry in Ireland. Our nominal fees ensure that you have plenty of dosh left over for souvenirs for all the suckers of your acquaintance who haven't figured out how to order stuff from the Internet. Special discounts may apply for customers who agree to purchase and wear IRREVERENT merchandise on their voyage. For more information contact me. An exciting world of travel awaits you, and if you act now it won't be just like staying home.