At RA Enterprises, I very deliberately hire people who can spot a golden opportunity, the brass ring, the main chance. As a result, it came as no suprise to me that my accountant Jedediah "Pa Clampett" Warstein took off for Florida to assist Michael Schiavo with some newly acquired financial issues. Jed being highly trained and from a clan of Appalachian Jews should be able to fit right in in Florida. I wasn't even upset that several thousand of my dollars followed him.
I can hear you saying "So what, Mercer? What does that have to do with the price of child labor in Bangalore?" Well nothing, except for the fact that the first time in years I was forced to do my own taxes. In doing so I was exposed to a system of graft, corruption and abuse of public trust unrivalled since Tom Delay was elected to Congress. I'm talking, of course about the IRS e-file system.
As I type this, Suntory is already giving me a warning against calling the the
IRS and its Satanic cabal of e-file partners a foul pestilence upon the land. He points out that it's too religious for a non believer and could get me audited. Either way, my feeling is that he should begin working up my defense because I fully intend to put the fortunes of RA Enterprises at risk to expose this evil.
The story begins simply enough. Upon discovering that I was left to my own devices, I began exhaustive research into the matter. Quite frankly, I don't know how you people, and by you people I mean those of you with nothing better to do than wait for the next issue of this excuse for removing the feeding tube, do it. After wadding through reams of paper devoted to the IRS instructions, and then volumes and volumes of "explanations" for those instructions, and still getting no further than my name, I decided to chuck the whole thing and go electronic. The first glimmerings of evil began to intrude on my rosy tax paying world.
The first thing you notice is that there are a myriad of choices for e-filing but that none of them involve simply filling in an electronic edition of the 1040 and calling it done. That would be simple, elegant, and would prevent companies like H&R Block from making a fortune from e-filing fees, software sales, and more sinisterly, providing usurious loans for "instant refunds."
Curiously, The Revenuer's
TM website is choc-a-bloc with links for "free" e-file services. What these do is point you to a professional web-based tax preparation company like, say, G&Q Flock (Where sheep are for shearing). The idea is that if you have a certain level of income, you can indeed file for free. Heaven help those poor bastards whose income qualifies them for the alternative minimum tax. Not only are their incomes high enough that they can kiss all their deductions goodbye, but they also get to pay for the "free" filing that tells them so. To add insult to injury, all of these methods round your entries to the nearest dollar meaning that the extra 49 cents you lent interest free to Los Federales is now going to that shit next door who
still has your snowblower. Presumably anyone owed exactly 50 cents (or Fitty Cent for those of you reading this in street mode)simply donate that money to the "Culture of Life
TM fund.
Clearly a web based solution wasn't for me so, figuring that buying the software had to be better, I plumped for a box of warez form a well known firm that was not H&R Block. I was obviously being seduced by the pure evil at work here, misled by the Prince of Lies, decieved by ol' Nick, snookered by the fluffy white bunny of the scorched and blasted plane. (see note)
I suppose that ultimately my descent into hell was my own fault. All I saw was "free e-file." I missed the fine print that said "After Rebate." That's right chuckles. A company that is
not H&R Block will take your hard earned dosh for the warez and then, if you don't claim your rebate by October will take 15.95 for the privilege of keeping one more tree alive at the paper farm. Oh and keep your reciept my friend because, like all mail-in rebate anywhere, no tickee, no laundry. I Imagine there was some discussion regarding immortal souls but the legal department must have felt the law was too unenforcable with the current Liberal Anti-Business, Pro Justice Activist Judiciary
TM ruling the land. Of course the horror wouldn't be complete unless, once again, rounding reared it's abhorrent imprecise head.
If I know you good reader, and I think I do, then by now you are seeking a way out of this mess. There is one of course but it involves a little work. Starting now, begin to look for a CPA or tax preparer that you can do business with. The tax code is a little to complex to be managed on your own, after all you do read IRREVERENT, and, like John Edwards you should pay every cent you owe, but you should owe not very much at all.
If you decide to use preparers, ensure that they don't have a line of software, that just perpetuates the evil. Finally, although I'm a big fan of getting your money back out of the grubby mits of the IRS as possible, mail in your return. Make "those bastards" do the data entry. You have better things to do like deciding which IRREVERENT Merchandise you might buy this year.
Note: If you don't understand that reference then for shame.
Note 2: RA Enterprises and Tyrone Mercer although real entities, are real only for the purposes of
satire. The have no material existence that would in any way bear scrutinizing by federal tax officials. The opinions of mr Mercer are his entirely and should in now way be construed as the opinions of the publisher or owner of IRREVERENT MAGAZINE. Both the editor and publisher of IRREVERENT felt that the IRS is made up of foreshadowing genius and is not evil at all.
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