IRREVERENT Magazine - Features

I've been passing off the lack of a column last month as a simple case of writer's block. I can now tell you the truth in all of its sordid details. You see I was busy in Ukraine bringing my own particular expertise to the election process there and I'm here to tell you that as bad as I and my fellow 527's got this last election cycle, you ain't seen nothin'. Even Suntori's vaunted squad of legal ninja wouldn't set foot in Kiev for fear of never getting back out. Which is not to say that, as bizarre as the experience was, I regret going. Not only did I make a quick spot of cash from both sides, but I also learned that when elections can be influenced by Russian tanks just over the border, a few thousand errant voting machines actually seems a treat.

So now that I'm back, after a fashion, I've decided that rather than lecture and rant and spout anymore about the current cabal in the White House, I would provide you with some tips and tricks for surviving the next four years with -- if not your fortune -- at least your dignity intact. I realize that for some of you there is very little dignity left. I'm thinking here of the people who've been caught at work reading this excuse for thicker firewall protection. Here's a reminder: when we tell you to pull your pants down and get your cubicle buddy to push you down the hallways while you do your best Beavis "I am Cornholio" impression, we are, in fact, just kidding.¹ It is, after all, a humor magazine.

Let's start with a survey of the current landscape. Geo became The One^TM when The Matrix re-elected him by a fairly significant majority. Surprisingly, he did very well among neo-conservatives who usually favor regime change. Bush also managed to cobble together a constituency out of a rising political force: electronic balloting machines. Exit polling -- and if you've ever had your exit polled you know how painful it can be -- indicates that, despite feeling disenfranchised in the past, computerized voters turned out in record numbers in support of the president. Bush pulled most of this demographic's votes from a powerful subset known as Soccer Diebolds. Coupled with the less activist -- mostly because they kept turning left on the way to the polling centers -- NASCAR Sequoia, these machines very well may have tipped the election in the president's favor. Forget all that nonsense about this contest hinging on the Religious Right^TM. Bush knows that he was elected by the rise of the machines. Is it a coincidence that Arnie was a featured speaker at the Republican Convention, or that there was Serious Talk^© about amending the Constitution in order to allow The Terminator to become POTUS? I don't think so.

If the Bush leaguers have their way with tort reform, you'll be able to save big money on medical care, but you'll no longer be able to sue your doctor for malpractice when he dumps a few liters of chicken soup into your lungs while trying to intubate your ass.So you've got a president with a serious debt to Skynet, the prospect that his judicial appointments could believe more in loyalty to a lame duck president than in judicial autonomy, and a congress run by Republicans who, strangely, haven't seen a piece of pork they didn't like. The trade deficit is ballooning again, and Communist nations, (that's China to you, Sluggo) are giving us economic advice. Iran, by pursuing the acquisition of newclur weapons, is a few short steps from destabilizing what (until now) has been a relatively peaceful and well-balanced region, and energy companies manipulate the price of fuel daily. What can you do to keep yourself just above water with such extraordinarily heavy weights attached to your leg? Don't worry, Skippy, let your ol' Uncle Ty help you out with this one.

First thing you need to do is move to a foreign country. Not because things are better there, quite frankly they're not, especially since you're an easily identifiable American and the rest of the world is way pissed at us. No, you need to move to a foreign country because, as quickly as the dollar is falling, your vacations back to the U.S. will be way cheap. Think about it. That trip to DisneyWorld^TM that you've been putting off you can easily afford in Euros. Plus, if you move to Amsterdam, you'll be obligated to smoke pot. What could be better?

If you choose not to go abroad, then you'll have to begin preparing your retirement. This will be bonus fun because you'll not only get to ignore your 401(k) portfolio, but you'll also get to ignore the performance of your "taxed" dollars. The most amusing bit of this is that the federales are going to force you to save money, and then force you to watch it get eaten up by inflation because you won't be able to put it in anything risky, like, say US government bonds. If the current (no fun) system stayed in place, you still wouldn't get jack, but with Bush's totally fun plan you'll get to feel bonus guilt for not monitoring your stake better.

Begin now to avoid being desperately ill over the next four years. If the Bush leaguers have their way with tort reform, you'll be able to save big money on medical care, but you'll no longer be able to sue your doctor for malpractice when he dumps a few liters of chicken soup into your lungs while trying to intubate your ass. Oh and that's not a joke. Even though he was trying to intubate your ass while you were choking on your tongue you'll be out of luck when it comes to collecting damages. As a side note, buy all kinds of stock in pharmaceutical companies. Although the administration is dragging its feet on drug repatriation -- that's pundit speak for importing drugs from outside the US -- everyone in the White House from the Oval Office to the Janitor's Closet² knows that this is just a clever ploy to raise the price of drugs in Canada, and who could be against that? Only people that don't have shares of Pfizer, pally.

This would also be a good time to begin learning about frugal living. There's very little indication that as an owner of America you'll see a large return on your investment. Tuition hikes in higher education will continue to outpace inflation, especially as foreign students begin to discover that they can now get a quality education at home. With fewer "off the turnip truck" rubes to pay full tuition, it will be left to particularly gullible Americans to foot the bill. Higher interest rates will force non relevant costs even higher and an entire generation will go to school and fail to get the kind of jobs that will support the loan payments. Now is the time to prepare yourself and your children to live up to your full potential, so begin looking for a rental mobile home. On the plus side, the number of people adopting a frugal lifestyle will precipitate a crisis in the cable TV industry and Republican congressmen will move heaven and earth to ensure that you have unfettered access to FOX news. Free cable for everyone! Hooray!

Finally, ensure that you have several examples of IRREVERENT merchandise about the house. This will come in handy because it will remind you who is, in fact, your daddy. It will also help keep your warm when your utility company goes belly up after being investigated by Eliot Spitzer for financial "irregularities" including not contributing positively to the Attorney General's portfolio. After all, he does pay attention to his stock mix and can ensure that CEOs understand their fiduciary responsibilities. If we're very lucky he'll team up with Michael Moore for a film about Playboy's exploitative Women of Enron.

Well that should get you started. Despite my wicked hot record at prognosticating, I'm not sure any of the above will come true. After all the aliens may finally arrive and teach us the secret to unlimited energy and universal brotherhood. Either way, remember the immortal words of Will Rogers: "Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else." The problem, however, is that we're all in this together.