IRREVERENT Magazine - Features

In the ten or so years since this little excuse for keeping libel lawyers on speed dial first sluiced out of the pipes at the local wastewater treatment plant, our country has seen one presidential election, one presidential hijacking, and is currently facing the highly disturbing proposition of another national leadership referendum. More or less consistently, IRREVERENT has been there to cover it all in order to provide you, the reader, yes you, stand still laddie, an education whether you need it or not. We've sought to bring fun and excitement to everything you do from watching Paris Hilton videos to contemplating a horrifying future in which Michael Moore movies continue to be profitable and Republicans control FOX broadcasting. At considerable risk to ourselves we have stood as your filter for All Things Neato^TM. Now we ask you to give something back.

As information has become commoditized, available in bulk at wholesale prices, traded openly in a relatively free market, it has, perversely, become worthless. The result is the ability, or perhaps liability, to form instant opinions that have less thought behind them than a war against terrorism. Get enough of your information from mainline, i.e. no-fun, outlets and suddenly you find yourself lining up to buy increasingly strident polemics supporting the polarized attitudes of our major political camps. Well at IRREVERENT we reject the notion that the country is divided, we reject the notion that there is an America of the haves and the have-nots, we reject the notion that you can't have your beer and drink it too. We think you reject these notions too. We think that you believe all Americans, given proper leadership, can unite under one banner. We think that you are ready to support the Beer Lover's Party of America in November's election.

That's right, Skippy: much like Russia in the early days of her fledgling democracy we find our politicians too boring. OK we find Kerry too boring. Bush, although more exciting, is exciting in a way that could get you beheaded in an alley in Whereisitstan faster than you can set your Zippo to your draft card. Clearly what we need is a party and a big honking one at that. Complete with a party platform consisting of a wooden deck floating in the middle of a peaceful pond and a party philosophy revolving around being at the keg as long as possible. Our party will be organized around the back room deal rather than whoring out 12 year old girls as fund-raisers. Our party will squander every opportunity to lead by legislation preferring instead to "let things sort themselves out." Our party recognizes the fundamental human right for more beer and snacks. In short our party rocks!

Don't drink at all? Then you are responsible for snacks and taxi service.We recognize that not all of you swing, or rather swinging, voters will be in favor of joining what appears to be a limited movement, and we validate those concerns, then dismiss them. Don't like beer? OK, somebody's got to bring the Scotch and pick the wine. Don't drink at all? Then you are responsible for snacks and taxi service. The Beer Lover's Party is a big tent party, especially when the strippers show up. There is only one condition to membership in the Beer Lover's Party of America and that is, in the event we should ever manage to leave the pond long enough to run for office, you, our loyal members promise to vote for the Beer Lover's candidate. Unless you don't want to. After all not voting is a vote.

We recognize that with every vote counting, and with each election commission... hee ...counting ...heehee ...every ...ha ha ha ha ...vote wwwahhhahahahah oooo...hahah that voting for the Beer Lover's Party in the upcoming contest could be tantamount to giving the keys to our nuclear arsenal to a soulless giant psychopathic alien robot intent on sucking the fun out of every bit of life, but this isn't about GPAR or John Kerry. Nor is this about going alone in the world, reviled, feared, suspected, like Ralph Nader. No this election is about Union, hope, the ability once again to be the shining city on the hill, the inspiration to the world, the only country more fun than the Italians. That's right it's about not returning George Bush to the Presidency^TM. It's also about your right to change the Constitution and vote that ultimate Beer Party Candidate, Bill Clinton, back into the Oval Orifice. Or, failing that, to allow him to debate Ross Perot just one more time.

So congratulations America now you finally have a choice. A choice between fun and no-fun, between light and dark, between heaven and hell. You know where your heart lies and you know how your head thinks. Here you stand and you can do no other, on the platform, raising a frosty mug. Thank you and may God, and The Miller Brewing Company, bless America.

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The above speech was to have been given by Tyrone Mercer at the first annual...ish Beer Lover's Convention in Milwaukee. Mr. Mercer was bumped from the schedule to make room for a more highly entertaining culinary exhibit involving a California Chardonnay, IRREVERENT's Executive Chef, Chef Anton, and the explosion of a keg of Leinenkugel's. Several legal departments, across five continents, are still sorting out what happened.