IRREVERENT Magazine - Features

To some my little company, R.A. Enterprises, is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.  Of course I'm rarely concerned with what the SEC thinks.  Suffice it to say that we're an idea organization and some of our ideas are, frankly, brilliant.  Sometimes though we come up with something that is so profound, so frightening, so wrought with fundamental paradigm shift that we have to forego the fabulous wealth that would accrue and let the idea pass.


As I traveled around this summer, seeing America, talking to the fives of IRREVERENT readers, and just generally exploring my world, I found the country's rural telecommunications system in a bizarre state of flux.  On the one hand were the wi-fi hot spots at rest stops in the middle of Iowa, and absolutely no wi-fi in Cozad, Nebraska.  I could sign up for SBC FreedomLink service at a McDonalds in Casper, Wyoming, but nobody in Casper seemed to be able to sign up for SBC/Yahoo DSL.  Very curious.  I'm told by one of my traveling companions that, as I contemplated the vast amount of money to be made bringing high-speed Internet to the masses, that my pupils spun comically around and came up dollar signs.  Something clearly was wrong.

When I got back to the office, I sent out some interns, led by Jo-Jo the Research Monkey into the data mine to discover the problem.  They returned with a tale of extreme national danger narrowly averted, and heroic corporate behavior not seen since the outsourcing boom raised the living standards of the third world.  In an age in which so many companies are driven solely by the market, profitability, and plain straight up capitalism, it was refreshing to see that the nation's telecommunications industries, that's Big Telecom^TM to you, are giving all of that a miss and serving the common good. 

Here's the problem: There's a great digital divide in the country.  Several rural areas find themselves lacking the infrastructure that would allow the people who live there to take advantage of all the internet has to offer.  There's a downside to this:  several communities can't attract employers who need to connect at high speed to run far flung operations, students and faculty have to abandon hopes of accessing the latest in research, livestock have to live in a state of constant fear of farm folk without access to Internet porn.  For rural residents less Democratic than their sheep humping brethren, high-speed telecommunications may result in shame and guilt over the living conditions of their fellow man and ultimately to a huge backlash against the current cabal of yahoos pretending to be public servants.   Fortunately Big Telecom^TM knowing how damaging access to information can be, has been dragging its heels on providing fast, inexpensive, network connections to rural America.  Lucky us.

Some politicians see the rural digital divide as a problem.  Cities, and other government institutions are beginning to exercise their small "d" democratic rights and explore the mistaken notion that they can build infrastructure more efficiently than any private organization.  Flush with success at building relatively simple structures like roads, sewers, and water delivery systems, small cities and rural counties think that stringing fiber optic cable 20 feet up a pole ought to be a doddle.  They've actually had the nerve to go to their citizens and suggest they be allowed to form telecommunications utilities to study the issue and possibly begin installing the equipment.  Big Telecom^TM, as if it didn't have enough problems outsourcing all of it's tech support to Bangalore, now finds itself having to produce hundreds of ads in markets all across the country explaining what an expensive and terrible idea municipal utilities are.  They know the wisdom of monopolies, they've had years of experience.  They're not, as all the world thinks, cold, heartless capitalists.  If they were would they have a gentleman's agreement not to compete in certain markets despite an FCC regulation allowing them to do so?  Of course not!  They're protecting rural America from overloading it's tiny redneck mind trying to choose the fastest service at the lowest price, and keeping shysters like Corning from forcing us to close the last gap in the country's fiber optic network, the one between your home and the telephone pole.  It's truly a win for everybody.

Big Telecom's^TM argument here is really quite compelling.  "Municipal telecommunications utilities put taxpayer money at risk," they say.  "The market place will work just fine and you will all get the same kind of network access the rest of the world enjoys eventually.  Why give your tax money to politicians who'll waste it?"  It really tugs at the heartstrings in a way.  I mean think of all the uses to which that tax money might otherwise be put:  providing for the educational needs of Verizon CEO Ivan G. Seidenberg's children.  Or providing work for the guys building Comcast Chairman Brian L. Roberts' yacht.  Or, perhaps most useful of all, paying for SBC CFO Richard G. Lindner's vacation to Bali where, thanks to determined government action, he can check his email on the same high speed network that serves each Bali citizen.  All of these reasons aside, imagine the investments you could make with that money, like oh, say, investing in Big Telecom^TM or upgrading your Internet connection to broadband.  The possibilities are truly endless.

Of course, compelling as its argument is, Big Telecom^TM has a huge fight on its hands.  Some people are wandering astray and beginning to think that they need to make investments in their own communities first.  "The corporations won't help us," goes the argument, "We'll have to help ourselves."  Seems the Geneva Convention isn't the only quaint notion still running around America these days.  Fortunately the fight isn't just at the local level.  State legislators can't hardly move around their offices without running into a Big Telecom^TM lobbyist bravely pitching the case for less local democracy.  If all goes well, they can prevent future municipalities from making a terrible mistake.  As for me, well I'm happy to see Big Telecom^TM fight this fight.  I think there's already enough fear and ignorance on the net, take a look at the Alexa ratings for this rag, and anything that will restrict that is a fantastic idea.  Of course it means that the rest of you will need to buy more IRREVERENT merchandise, but with all the money you're saving on your tax bill that should be a doddle, shouldn't it?