IRREVERENT Magazine - Features

All we hear about these days is how some group or other does something really obnoxious and stupid, and then how everyone has to act like it's okay because of "free speech."  Take those jerks who protest at military funerals.  Here's a group of people who just drive around looking for military funerals, I guess this pays pretty well, and then hold a demonstration on how the soldier was killed because "God is punishing America" for "permitting" gays to exist.  Somehow we're supposed to let this slide because of "free speech," but you know what?  Something so stupid that nobody likes it doesn't have to continue to exist just because we "need" to adhere to some abstract principle.  I say let's put it to a vote: let the people decide, let the people define the Bill of Rights.  Let's update this sucker and FINALLY make it relevant again.  It's ridiculous to stand for something nobody wants, and truth be told this type of "free speech" isn't something anybody wants, certainly not the families of the fallen soldiers, certainly not yours truly.

Sound radical?  What's wrong with letting the people decide for themselves? Only elitist jerks or megalomaniacs with fancy degrees fear the will of the people. I'm all about local choice and so are you, so why should this be any different?  This is what our forefathers had in mind when they created the Republic in the first place: this is just Democracy at its most basic, folks.

Immediately we'd see that nobody cares about many so-called "hotbed" issues brought to us, wrapped and approved by the liberal press.  "Wiretapping al-Quaida" without a warrant?  WHO CARES?!  Why does our president -- the most powerful political figure on the earth -- need to crawl to some sissy court in order to stop suitcase nukers from turning Manhattan into a mushroom cloud?  Wiretap away, I say, and put it to a vote and watch 90% of the people agree with me.  Throw all the whiny, hemp-stained ACLU lawyers at it that you want to, nobody wants to protect Osama bin Lardhead from calling his buddies stateside to plan the next 9-11.  The Congress gave the President the power, all he's doing is using it.  At least someone's acting like a man around here.

Put "search and seizure" to a common sense vote and watch not only the War on Terror, but the War on Drugs all of the sudden become fantastically successful too, mark my words.  None of you hippie bong-suckers are gonna be able to slip away from Johnny Law when they can kick down your door without a warrant any time they feel like it.  Take that, frat party date-rapers. Go ahead and try to hide your sick perversions now, pedophiliac lunatics.  Want a little sick phone sex?  Sorry, Jack Jerkoff, not on my watch.

Yes, sir, we'd finally see a sorely needed moral revolution in this country, and a return to traditional values with a little warrant-less search and seizure and phone taps.  Most people have nothing to hide, so who's really scared of a minor inconvenience that they'll probably never know about anyway?  I'll tell you who: druggies, liberals and all kinds of other sick terrorists plotting sedition and the downfall of the American way of life, that's who.  And who cares what they want?

And all you gun grabbers beware: put #2 to a vote, and watch concealed carry laws FINALLY become a law enforcement staple in this country.  No longer do you have to sit by powerless while your family is slaughtered by some crack addled maniac: now you can FINALLY defend yourself and your family.  Maybe FINALLY the country would wake up and realize that the cops aren't there to protect you, they're there to maintain basic civil order.  Oh they'll help you all right: they'll be happy to squeegee your blood off the psychopath's meat cleaver after he's done hacking you and your loved ones to pieces and send that right off to the lab to be dropped by some H1-B guest worker or be "lost" during processing.  Meanwhile the liberal courts have let the lunatic go thanks to a "speedy trial," and it's off to Menards for him to pick out a new hatchet and swing by the schoolyard to pick up another random victim.

Yeah, "speedy trial," that's #6.  Is it really so much to ask to keep criminals and maniacs behind bars, away from the general public, until you can irrefutably prove their guilt?  I think not, and I'll wager right here, right now that a vast majority of you agree with me.  Lock 'em and throw away the key, enough is enough.

Vote for your rights: let's use the power our forefathers died to protect to redefine our rights and make them relevant in the new century.  We're facing new challenges each and every day, and Allah bin Terrorist out there is getting smarter all the time, thanks to our own public library system. We need every power to fight them that we can: and NO we can't just blab to everyone what they are, that only helps the enemy.  We're in a time of war, it's about damn time people wake up and start acting like it.