IRREVERENT Magazine - Features

Greetings Mr. T.Bag,

Permit me a simple quandary- but first, let me tell you that I am something of a genius. Therefore, I am rather recalcitrant in partaking of other’s advice. However, I have been trying to capture a certain aviary vermin for some time now- and meeting with great hardships. Common attempts have included:

1. Bird seed used under a snare/rock/booby trap.
2. Painting realistic scenery on cliffs for said prey to run into.
3. Multiple contraptions from one ACME Corporation- all of which seem to fail at inappropriate times.

In some instances, the very laws of physics seem to be mercilessly inconsistent. Mr. T. Bag- how would you suggest I “acquire” said feathered quarry?

Loves Road Runner with fricassee – Genius Emeritus
(Desert S.W.)

Dear Loves Fricasseeing,

Just because you had a nerdgasm on a piece of paper doesn’t mean you have to send it to me. I don’t care if you are a genius from the Emirates , keep your 103 pt scrabble words to yourself. You know what I had to do to decipher your letter? I had to talk to an MIT grad . Now he wants to be a MySpace friend. Ridiculous - I’d rather shave my anus with a straight edge.

You want to catch this bird, right? That’s what you were trying to say with your supersized words? Bird is a word, buddy, just ask every surf-rock band from the 60s. I’m not even going to ask the obvious question of why you can’t just order a hoagie if you can order all this crap from ACME. Fine, you have a weird fetish for wanting to catch one road runner. Just promise me its cause you want to eat it and nothing else. Cause if you’re trying to get some posthumous pleasures out of this then you need to write to Savage Love, not me. Creepadelic!

Why the fricassee would you paint realistic pictures on a cliff wall?? That won’t make it real, chod smuggler. I had a roommate like you in college, but he didn’t paint stuff on walls…let’s just say he had a Carmen Electra poster with a hole cut out that he was especially fond of. Let’s also just say that there’s some places you don’t want to get paper cuts when the blood flow to that area is…elevated. And then let’s not say anything else about that issue- specifically in regard to helping said roommate with applying 25 band-aids.

I know what you’re thinking: T.Bag, you have a college degree? No, I said I had a ROOMMATE IN college. I just lived on the campus to pick up chics before they gained the freshmen fifteen. (Or the sophomore swell; also the junior jelly belly. Seriously, by the time I got to the senior chics, I was just there for the sport of it.)

Option 1:
You know, there’s a number of animals that are naturally gifted at catching birds- foxes, snakes, my neighbor’s cat, other birds, Taiwanese. Employ one of these to help you out. Some are hard to come by in the desert, but you could always try using a coyote (Canis latrans)- they’re in the desert and are supposed to be especially wily.

Option 2:
We can easily speculate that this bird will be ‘running’ on the ‘road’. You know what that means, right? Exactly- road kill. There’s a GREAT organization out there that reports thousands of birds are killed on roads every year! Jackpot!! They even have a great article on why it’s better to eat road kill than other forms of meat (http://www.peta.org/about/faq/Is-it-OK-to-eat-roadkill.aspx). I’m sure PETA has more articles about eating loads of animal flesh; it’s almost weird that that the organization is named after middle eastern bread.

Option 3:
ACME now has a new line of Road Runner catching devices. The catalog includes a device that is easily mounted on a bridge or a canyon wall, and sling shots you DIRECTLY to the prey. To make sure you’re on target, here’s how it works: it laser tracks the road runner, configures descent angles, adjusts for wind, compensates for rotation of earth, determines what day of the week it is, factors in the color of your ex-girlfriend’s car, calculates China’s GDP, counterbalances based on how much you hate your father, and finally recompenjumnifies according to which one of your nuts hangs lower. It’s perfect. Nothing could go wrong. (Make sure to carry a sign that reads “Yikes” in case you mess this up. It will convey your fear and ineptitude all in one.)

Hopefully this helps you out. But, if I find out you’re meep-meeping that thing after you catch it….I’ll expect you to send me pics.

Mostly Sincerely,

T.BAG